I wouldn’t say my ex was a commitment-phobe, but despite the fact that we’d been dating for years, he just wasn’t ready to get married. I get that saying “I do” is a major commitment so I couldn’t really be mad at him for taking it seriously, but when he married his next girlfriend within weeks of getting together with her, I realized I got it all wrong.
I was waiting for wedding bells.
I’m not marriage crazy or anything like that, but we’d been dating for three years and I was wondering why he never mentioned marriage. I felt like it should’ve come up at least once or twice by that time. He should have known what he wanted from me. I know marriage isn’t the main way to show love and commit to someone, but…
Something just didn’t feel right.
It didn’t feel right that he was never open to the idea of talking about marriage. It was like he was keeping an important part of himself out of my reach. It’s not like we’d just started dating—we were racking up the years! He knew how I felt about marriage so it felt weird that we were on different pages.
He was really against marriage.
One day, I asked him about it outright. I wondered if he would ever consider getting married and he said marriage just wasn’t for him “right now.” I was a bit hurt, but then I saw his behavior at weddings and it made sense. He hated weddings. The guy almost didn’t go to his best buddy’s wedding because he hated them so much. He used to make sarcastic comments about people who were getting married and he would rather make himself puke than watch any movie that was vaguely about weddings (his words). I started to feel like I just had to accept this about him if I wanted him in my life.
I tried not to take it personally.
Honestly, seeing how much he hated weddings made me feel a bit better. Clearly, the problem wasn’t our relationship—he just didn’t like weddings and the idea of marriage. He was a commitment-phobe. Of course, I still worried that our future goals weren’t aligned…
He never really talked about our future.
It wasn’t just marriage that put him off. He didn’t want to talk about our future in the way that he used to earlier on in our relationship. He could make plans for a vacation six months ahead of time, but when it came to things like moving in together, he wouldn’t have anything to say. This was a huge red flag that I ignored.
He eventually dumped me.
A few weeks after our big chat about the future (which didn’t give me many answers), he sent me a text when I was at work that said, “We need to talk.” Ugh. We met for dinner and he dropped the bomb: he wasn’t that happy anymore and we just weren’t right for each other. Great.
I was devastated, but it was about to get worse.
Only once we broke up did I see the red flags that we weren’t compatible but I felt like I wasted three years of my life with this guy! And the breakup was about to get much worse.
He started dating someone else.
I checked up on him a few times on social media to see what he was doing and it shocked me to discover that he had started dating someone new two weeks after our breakup! The thought that she was in his life when we were still together made me feel sick.
Then he proposed.
I kept checking his social media profiles for the next few weeks, eager to learn more about who his new girlfriend was and if she was a rebound fling or something more serious. I wish I didn’t bother because a few weeks later, he proposed and they shared the beach proposal snaps with all their followers.
So much for hating marriage.
Did he lie to me about being anti-marriage? Did he know in his heart of hearts that he would never marry me and he just didn’t want me to think there was any hope for us? I felt so betrayed!
They got hitched.
A really mean part of me had hoped they wouldn’t go through with their wedding. I pictured him like a runaway groom, realizing that he was a commitment-phobe as he had always thought he was (and coming back to apologize for being a jerk to me). But no, they went through with the marriage. While they were kissing in front of a marmalade sunset and sharing their first kiss as bride and groom—yes, I saw all 240 pictures in their wedding album on Facebook)—I was broken.
It sucked to be alone.
At first, I hated being alone. I hated that he moved on and found his soulmate while I’d been thrown aside because I wasn’t good enough in his eyes, but I know that’s not true. I know that I’m better off without a liar in my life. Basically, it doesn’t matter that he’s committed to someone else. He treated me badly and strung me along and that’s enough for me to say, “Adios, loser.” I wouldn’t want him if he were the last man on earth.
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