If You’re Still Pining Over The Guy You Can’t Have, Remember This

He seems like such a catch, so why can’t he be yours? Damn it! Maybe he’s got a girlfriend or he’s just out of a relationship so he’s not looking to get into a new one; maybe he casually dated you and then bolted. Whatever the situation, pining over someone is taking over your life. Before you buy shares in Kleenex because you’re crying a river, remember these things.

  1. He’s just attractive because he’s unavailable. Yes, he’s gorgeous and appealing, but would he be those things if he was suddenly single and knocking on your door? Maybe, but sometimes we just want what we can’t have. At the end of the day, he’s emotionally unavailable for a reason, and being with him would mean working extra hard to keep things going and dealing with relationship obstacles. That doesn’t sound so appealing, does it?
  2. Are you just competitive? You’ve searched for his girlfriend on Facebook and can’t help comparing yourself to her. Maybe you want to know that you’re better than her, which would be the ego boost you’d get if he ditched her and came running to you. Ask yourself: are you just after him because you want the ego boost of being the woman he’s chosen or because you’re really in love with him?
  3. Maybe it’s not him you actually want. Yes, you want the guy in your life, in your bed, and his name on your Facebook relationship status, but are you sure you’re not just pining over him because you want a relationship and love, just not necessarily with this guy? If so, then what are you waiting for? Get out there and find a guy who’s emotionally available for you!
  4. Your BFF knows what she’s talking about. It’s easy to get stuck in the world of pining over a guy you can’t have, totally losing touch with reality. In such cases, there’s nothing like a bit of a reality check courtesy of your best friend. She’ll remind you of important things, like how you’re too much of a catch to waste your time on someone who’s not in your life loving you right now.
  5. He might not actually be Mr. Perfect. It’s easy to think he’ll be an amazing boyfriend because he’s such a great friend. This is sadly not always the case! Since you’ve never been this guy’s girlfriend, there’s no telling what he’d be like in a relationship. He might actually be a total jerk, so he could be saving you a whole lot of time by not dating you.
  6. Don’t take it personally. Rejection always hurts, especially if you really feel for the guy. However, it’s not personal, even though it sure feels like it is. Rejection is just the universe’s way of saying that someone isn’t right for you. It’s actually doing you a favor so that you don’t waste your love and time on the wrong guy.
  7. Breaking all contact is the only way forward. You can’t wait for the guy to snap out of it and be yours. Why give him such power over your life? He doesn’t deserve it. The best way to deal with a guy you can’t have is to cut all contact with him. Don’t be friends, don’t even be texting buddies because it will just keep you stuck in your feelings. The bonus of breaking contact? With some distance, you’ll start to see the situation clearer and you’ll see that he wasn’t meant to be yours.
  8. Don’t let your imagination take over. It’s easy to trick yourself into thinking that he’ll change, but hope can be a killer. You shouldn’t wait for him to become the kind of guy you need or the kind of guy who loves you. That’s not going to happen, and if it does by some miracle, he’ll cross paths with you again. No need to put your life on hold — that’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. He’s definitely not pressing pause on his life for you, so why should you do it for him?
  9. He’s not right for you. If you’re not with the guy, then he’s not the right guy for you. Period. Hoping that this will change is just going to waste a whole lot of energy and time that’s better spent on a guy who’s actually keen to be in a relationship with you. Hey, as the saying goes, if you can love the wrong guy so much, imagine how much more you’ll love the right guy. Go on and love him instead.
  10. Maybe your feelings are about you, not him. It’s easy to think that you’re pining over a guy because you want him. Sure, that might be the case, but maybe the feelings are happening to you for other reasons. For example, maybe you’re holding onto someone you can’t have because you’re actually the one who’s got commitment issues. By fixating on your feelings for him, you don’t have to risk heartbreak with some other guy who is into you. The price of this is that you miss out on real, genuine love.
  11. No, he’s not the one who “got away.” No matter why he’s unavailable, he always had a choice to be with you. Yes, even if he’s in a relationship. He could have chosen to leave that relationship and be with you. Even if he has commitment issues that hold him back, he could have decided to follow his feelings instead of being afraid. The fact that he’s not with you now is because he made the decision not to be. Why would you want to waste your time pining after a guy who had the chance to date you and didn’t take it?
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.