Flawless Skin, And 14 Other Things I Want From Life More Than A Boyfriend

When I was younger, there were days that I would pray to God, Jesus, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Oprah Winfrey to grant me one singular boon: a boyfriend. And then one day, against all odds, my prayers were answered. The funny thing is, once I got a guy, I realized there were plenty of other things in life that I wanted even more:

Beyonce-level self-confidence. Keeping a man around to tell you that you’re pretty on the regular has its upsides, but a genuine, bona fide personal sense of slay? I’m so over feeling like the ugly one in my friend group. Imagine a world where you own every room you walk into because you don’t need casual compliments to prop up your self-esteem and I think we’ll be on the same page here.

A bathtub long enough to lay down flat in. Sometimes, I still dream about those days when I was still short enough that I could lay down in the bathtub and lurk beneath the water like a half-mermaid, half-sea monster. Boyfriends are okay, but fully immersive bubble baths? That’s not even really fair to the male gender, if we’re being totally honest here.

Infinite girls’ nights. I’m talking homemade facials, cute pajamas, off-key karaoke and so much pizza that a medical doctor would be professionally compelled to advise against it. Growing up and getting older means that sometimes, you and your best gals end up living so far away from each other that even scheduling a Skype sesh can be a headache. Give me full access to my ladies on demand and a VHS of Pretty Woman on repeat and I’ll give you a girl who could compose full operas on why dating is, like, not even that fun anyway.

Skin so clear I never have to wear foundation again. I’m pretty much over casually leaving make-up on literally every surface that my face touches, and frankly? Long-term, the cost of foundation and the price of all those fancy dinner dates probably evens out.

A resume that makes other people say, “Damn, girl.” There are a lot of stories about career women who tragically sacrifice romantic love for their love of the hustle. But sometimes, when it feels like our careers are ruining our love lives… maybe we should let them. So sorry I couldn’t make it to your 5-year engagement anniversary, Rhonda, but between my day job as a celebrity butt critic and my night gig as Chris Evans’ hand bra, where would I find the time?

Literally every dog I’ve ever seen. I don’t know where I would keep them all or where to get that much dog food, but if you don’t think I would be skipping date night because I have to walk my actual army of Great Danes, Golden Retrievers, Shih-Tzus and Welsh Corgies, you’re dead wrong.

A pair of 6-inch party heels that don’t give me blisters. Let me come home from a cocktail party at 2 AM without having to choose between changing into comfy shoes or bandaging my bleeding feet and you will never hear me speak about my love life ever again.

Eyebrows so sharp, they could kill a man. I’m not asking for an award for the World’s Most Lethal Eyebrows or anything here (although, that would be cool too). I just want my brows to be so on-point and symmetrical that they technically count as a lethal weapon. Is that so much to ask?

Unrestricted access to Rhianna’s closet. Maybe throw in a couple of discreet bags and a getaway car. Sorry, boys, I’m in a long-term relationship with seventy-three questionably acquired outfits now. Take a number, maybe?

The ability to turn my outstanding student loans into Chicken McNuggets. Normally, corporations balk at the concept of “eating the debt”, but I think in this case I could knock it all out in about a month or so… and I’m not sure that anyone would even want to date me after that.

New episodes of Friends, only Ross isn’t in any of them. This is a sacrifice I’m willing to make not only for myself but for all of humankind: in exchange for my love life, we get six seasons of a Friends reunion show in which Ross makes zero appearances and his absence goes entirely unmentioned. Joey and Phoebe are in a healthy long-term relationship and Rachel’s hair is so soft and silky that it moves her Tinder dates to tears. You’re welcome, world.

A really solid wi-fi connection. Full disclosure: there have been days where I’ve wondered if I actually need to date someone, or if I just want someone on hand to turn the router off and back on again for me. Sorry guys — the truth hurts.

Miraculously free first-class airline tickets. Actually, I would settle for free airline tickets, period. If you’re traveling alone, you don’t have to feel bad for hogging both armrests.

Two words: summer vacation. Chasing a man gets boring after a while, but I’ll never stop chasing the sweet, sweet liberation of that last-day-of-school feel for the rest of my life. Watch me trade in my boyfriend for three months (yearly) of popsicles, water slides and beach reads… and I’ll never look back.

A fulfilling sense of purpose independent of my relationships. When old friends and acquaintances ask me what I’m doing with my life, I want to be able to answer them with something other than some dude’s name. In our lives, boyfriends can come and go — so when they’re gone, there’s nothing overrated about having something else to throw our energies into. I’m a firm believer that when you aren’t dating a significant other, you should be dating yourself. There are horizons out there that don’t come with plus-ones — and single or not, there’s no shame in trying to catch them.

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