You’re not actually getting old, but sometimes you feel like you are. There’s something about the big 3-0 that totally alters the way you think and can make you feel crazy. When you’re in your 20s, you really have no idea what to expect from the coming decade. Turning 30 usually means you get more introspective, but also more ridiculous. Here are some thoughts you start having as you near another decade done:
- Damn, why has nobody told Forbes about me? My time to be highlighted in the yearly “30 Under 30” special is totally running out! Quick, somebody alert the presses! It’s not too late! Damn it, TELL THEM, you fools!
- Why did I list my birth year on Facebook? That’s not required, right? Seriously, why would I ever list my birth year? It just doesn’t make any sense. Why would anyone need to know how old I am? How do I delete that?
- You want to stay in a hostel? Seriously? Because, honestly, anything less than four stars really doesn’t sound like vacation to me. I mean, come on. They don’t even have a spa.
- 4. I guess I better Google how to babyproof my apartment. The breeders are coming over, and I believe in peaceful co-existence.
- What the hell is a hoverboard? Oh, darn, there’s a recall on hoverboards and everybody has to return the — wait, what? What the hell is a hoverboard? Are we finally reaching the Jetsons era? Really, somebody tell me. I still have no idea.
- Cougars are totally still a Thing, right? Now that Ashton and Demi are no longer together, can you still be a cool cougar? Are gorgeous, virile twenty-something men going to line up to be with me so that they gain from my “wisdom”? Dammit, am I too late for the cougar fad? Please don’t let me be too late.
- Ooh! Pinterest! Crafting! Knitting! Crocheting! I’m sure my local craft store has all of the supplies I need! Wait a second. Am I turning 30 or 80? How did this happen to me?
- Ooh! Kale! Really? How did we twenty-somethings, as a collective, search for the very best food out there and decide that we were ready to settle on kale? Beats me, but there’s no stopping it now. Bring me more kale.
- But we just had sex, like, two days ago. He wants it again? Already? Oh, wait. Sex is awesome, not just something that takes time away from your precious pursuits of cooking organic food and training for a marathon before you get completely old and decrepit. Fine, fine.
- How soon can I leave this party without looking lame? I kind of have this thing where I need to be in bed by midnight or else I turn into a pumpkin. Sorry about that.
