Some women can’t seem to avoid cheaters, other women attract mama’s boys that refuse to move from their parents’ basements. I tend to date guys of a totally different variety. Three of my past boyfriends have come out as gay now, and it’s starting to become an unwelcome trend.
I know how it sounds. When my first ex came out as gay, I wasn’t totally surprised. We only dated for a month before I called it quits because he was so clearly not into me. I’m not a total idiot, despite my inability to recognize the sexual orientation of my boyfriends. I never thought a gay guy would bother asking me out, but here I am! It sounds ridiculous but I keep finding myself in the same situation.
They come out after the relationship is over. All of the relationships I’ve had with these men tend to fizzle out and die in the same way. At first, things feel totally normal. I’m showered with constant text messages, they take me out on super fun dates, the conversation is amazing… and then something changes. They hide their lack of attraction behind a masculine veil of commitment-phobia and then after I break things off, I get the shocking news.
I feel like I’m getting broken up with twice. Breakups are hard enough. Finding out your guy was never sexually attracted to you in the first place is like a second blow to the heart. I’m always thrilled when a man or woman makes the choice to live authentically, but do I need to be humiliated in the process?
I’m attracted to effeminate men. I’ve always preferred men that aren’t hyper-masculine. I’ve never been able to connect with jock types and meat heads. All effeminate men aren’t gay just as all football players aren’t straight, so I never make assumptions when a man starts chatting me up. Clearly that’s a bit of a mistake.
I look for guys that share my interests. I grew up participating in the theater and I love classical music and jazz. I frequently hang out with people that spend their time going to shows and local concerts. I don’t mean to stereotype gay men in any way, but several of my boyfriends that have come out met me while we were hanging out in these types of crowds. I know all kinds of people enjoy the same things I do, but my interests tend to attract the same kind of guy.
I ask for honesty when I’m feeling suspicious. I mentioned before that all of these relationships start off the same. I’ve dated plenty of straight men that treated me the same way, so I know when something starts to feel off. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve directly confronted a boyfriend about his sexuality and he’s denied it angrily and vehemently. Of course I’d never want to out a guy before he’s ready, but why would he waste both of our time if he wasn’t interested?
My friends and family have warned me about the guys I date. The first time I dated a gay guy, my mom called me on it right away. I brought him over to meet my parents and the minute he left, my mom cornered me and the accusations began. I was so embarrassed and shocked that I didn’t talk to her for a week. Why would she say something like that about a guy that was clearly interested in me? The truth is, she was older and wise and only looking out for my best interests. She ended up being right!
Believe it or not, sex is involved. My first gay ex was obviously not into me sexually. We rarely touched, and it was a weird transition considering most of the guys I dated in high school couldn’t keep their hormones under control. Several others, however, did sleep with me, which made it all the more difficult to accept when they did come out of the closet.
My empathy is a contributing factor. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I’ve always been a very empathetic person. I pride myself on my ability to relate to other people’s struggles and be there for them when they need a friend. I’ve asked the guys I’ve dated why they bothered with me in the first place and they’ve all said the same thing. They really did love me, just not like that. I made them feel safe and loved while they were going through a difficult, confusing transition in their lives.
Things are a little different now. I’m in my late 20s now and the men and women I surround myself with are more sure of themselves than ever. It’s been a while since I’ve found myself in a situation where I was questioning someone’s interest in me, which is quite a relief. I don’t resent the men I’ve dated in the past, I know they were just trying to pass off as “normal” in society’s eyes. Looking at younger generations now, I’m hopeful. There seems to be so much more acceptance of the gay community, and that’s the way it should be. No one should have to put a mask on their true feelings.
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