Fraysexuality: What It Is & How To Know If You’re Fraysexual

If you’ve had more casual hookups than relationships and that’s the way you like it, you may be experiencing fraysexuality. While not often talked about, it’s something many people can relate to when it comes to sex and love. But what does it mean to be fraysexual and is it a problem? Read on to find out what you need to know.

What is fraysexuality?

At its core, fraysexuality is about experiencing sexual attraction with strangers or people you don’t know well. A fraysexual will be completely turned on by people with whom they have no real emotional connection. However, once such a bond begins to form, they lose interest sexually. While this doesn’t necessarily mean they will no longer care about their partner, the level of sexual attraction will decrease or even disappear.

People of any gender or sexual orientation can experience fraysexuality. Men, women, and nonbinary people as well as those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or any other identity on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum can all be fraysexual.

Signs you may be fraysexual

  1. You’re turned on by the idea of sex with strangers. Does the idea of sleeping with a random person you meet at the bar or that you encounter at the bookstore turn you on beyond belief? Do you seek anonymous hookups or one-night stands as they’re more pleasurable? If so, you may be fraysexual.
  2. You seek casual sex rather than relationships. Fraysexuality is about the heightened sexual attraction you experience with people you don’t know well at all. If you understand this about yourself and identify with this term, you likely act accordingly. In many cases, this leads to avoiding long-term relationships and instead focusing solely on no strings attached arrangements. You don’t want to hurt someone by getting into a relationship that you know will end.
  3. Your libido is higher at the beginning of a relationship than later on. If you do begin dating someone seriously, you want to go at it like rabbits at first. Like all couples, you enjoy the intense sexual tension at the beginning of the relationship. But while it’s normal for that to calm down the longer you’re together, you begin to lose all sexual interest. Not only are you not having as much sex, you don’t even want it with your partner.
  4. You struggle to maintain sexual interest in partners the longer you know them. Even if you’re not in an official relationship, that freedom from labels doesn’t preserve your attraction. The longer you’re sleeping with someone, the more your desire to do so wanes. You wish it wasn’t like this because you still really care about them as a person, you just find yourself getting the ick when you think about having sex.
  5. As you become more emotionally bonded with a partner, you’re less sexually attracted to them. For many people, an emotional connection only increases the sexual one between them. With fraysexuality, it’s the total opposite. The more you begin to care deeply about a partner, the less they turn you on. It creates a strange disconnect between your brain and your nether regions that you find hard to balance.

Can fraysexuals have successful relationships?

You may assume that fraysexuality automatically excludes a person from happy, healthy long-term relationships, but that’s not always the case. While sexual interest may decline over time for fraysexuals, that doesn’t mean the romantic or emotional interest does. Fraysexuals can and do still love deeply regardless of this fact. The loss of sexual attraction doesn’t correspond with falling out of love in most cases.

That being said, maintaining a relationship as or with a fraysexual does require even more direct and honest communication so that both partners are on the same page. It may also be possible to reignite the sexual attraction or for it to still become aroused under specific circumstances. Both partners would need to be on the same page and committed to working together to keep the relationship going.

Is this sexuality just an excuse to push people away?

For those who are fraysexual or are involved with someone who is, you may wonder if it’s a problem. After all, a sexual attraction that fades as emotional connection increases could be a way of pushing people away. Whether from a fear of commitment, a desire to remain unattached, or other issues, there are many reasons partners pull away as relationships progress. However, it’s unfair to tar fraysexuals with this brush, and it’s not always the case.

While fraysexuality can be the result of deeper-rooted issues, it’s impossible to know whether or not that’s the case without working with a professional therapist. They can delve more deeply into the feelings and behaviors behind this experience and determine whether or not there is unresolved trauma or fear that needs to be worked through.

Of course, sexuality exists on a spectrum and asserts itself in many different ways. It could very well be that a person’s fraysexuality is totally normal and healthy, even if it is different from the ways many people experience attraction. Only the person themself can know for sure.

Jennifer has been the managing editor of Bolde since its launch in 2014. Before that, she was the founding editor of HelloGiggles and also worked as an entertainment writer for Bustle and Digital Spy. Her work has been published in Bon Appetit, Decider, Vanity Fair, The New York TImes, and many more.