Reasons To Go Slow With A New Guy No Matter How Much You Like Him

Ever been so totally smitten with the new guy in your life that all you want to do is make out 24/7 and ignore all your other commitments? Soon you’re texting him all the time, which is probably the 2015 equivalent of writing your name with his last name in your math class notebook. While there’s nothing exciting than starting a new romance, there’s a lot to be said for pumping the breaks. Here’s why you should go slow with a guy even when you don’t want to.

  1. Getting carried away might blind you to some glaring red flags. Let’s face it: our hormones often make the decision for us about who we should be with. But what if, besides physical attraction, you don’t actually have anything in common with your new guy? Can you actually have a conversation? Is he motivated or at least employed? If you’re in the market for a real relationship, these things matter. This is one of the biggest and most important reasons to go slow with a guy.
  2. Going too fast could mean you’re headed for a crash-and-burn situation. We can all relate to all those Taylor Swift songs about super intense short relationships. You’ve most likely had the experience of dating a guy for a month or two, being really into him, and then one day your feelings have just evaporated and it’s like kissing your brother. Go slow this time and avoid the dreaded almost-relationship.
  3. You can spare your feelings. Unfortunately, in today’s hook-up culture, just because we’re dating someone it doesn’t mean we’re headed for a serious commitment. You might be waiting to call someone your boyfriend without knowing they have zero interest in that label. If you take things slow, you can take care of yourself and not get your hopes up.
  4. If it’s real, there’s no rush. This goes for sleeping together, putting a label on it – any aspect of a new romance. The right guy will wait for you and go at your pace. After all, you know that sex is not the most significant aspect of any partnership. Chances are if you spend several months with someone and you’re already acting like you’re in a relationship, then the “What Are We?” talk will just be stating what’s obvious to both of you.
  5. It’s nice to really know someone before calling him your boyfriend. It’s tempting to want to change your status on Facebook before you even know your new guy’s parents’ names, but that status will be so much more meaningful if we wait until we have a true sense of who this person is.

More reasons to go slow with a new guy

  1. You can wait before introducing him to your people. Of course your family and BFFs will be dying to meet the new guy that has made you so happy. And they should. But there’s something to be said for waiting until you truly know how you feel before adding other people into the mix. There will be time to meet the parents and to bring him to the social functions you’re invited to. Right now, it’s still early, so feel free to stay in your love bubble.
  2. You might find out he’s not The One sooner rather than later. What sucks more – learning that this guy is definitely not right for you when you’re two months in, or after six months of coupled-up bliss? Well, they both suck, of course, but the latter might hurt just a little bit more because there’s all this expectation and more time spent.
  3. Every milestone won’t feel overwhelming. All the firsts of a new relationship – the first kiss, the first “I love you”, the first meeting of each set of parents – can seem scary even when you’re super sure about the person. But if you go slowly and let everything unfold naturally, you won’t find it scary at all. Each step will feel like it’s simply happening as it’s supposed to.
  4. You might change your mind. Sometimes we’re more excited about the idea of someone than of who that person actually is. Without a super intense hook-up, you might realize you want to spend more time being single or that you don’t see this going anywhere. Doing it earlier will make the break-up less awkward. If you ensure that you go slow with a new guy, this is much easier to navigate.
  5. You don’t want to change your routine. That weekly coffee date with your college roomie, the once-a-month drinks with your BFFs – don’t give it all up too quickly. If your new guy turns out not to be the one, you’ll regret having given up on the good things in your life that keep you connected to the people that matter to you. And if it does work out, then you didn’t ditch your friends for a guy, either. It’s a win-win.

How to go slow with a new guy so you don’t mess things up

  1. Don’t text every single day. You probably want to text not just every day, but every second of every day, and that makes a lot of sense. You’re nuts about someone after not having met someone you truly like for a long time and that feels amazing so it makes you go kinda nuts inside. I get it. However, you don’t want to burn the candle at both ends, so to speak, by overdoing it right away. A little bit of distance is a good thing. Text every other day, sure, but until you know it’s going to be a serious relationship, try to pace yourself.
  2. Limit your time together, at least at the beginning. In addition to not texting all the time, you shouldn’t spend all your time together either. Obviously you have to date and be in the same physical space in order to get to know each other, assess your chemistry, and actually develop a real connection. However, you can do that without clearing your schedule to spend every waking hour by his side.
  3. Don’t rearrange your life for him. This is probably the most important way to ensure you take things slow with a new guy. A partner should fit into your life. At no point should you have to change your life to fit around him. Don’t cancel plans with friends and family, don’t dip out on previously-arranged obligations, don’t give up your hobbies and passions for him. If it’s meant to be, you’ll be able to maintain your life just as it is.
  4. Don’t sleep with him right away. If you already have, disregard this (though maybe don’t make sleeping with him a habit just yet). This isn’t about being prudish or being a tease, it’s about acknowledging the fact that having sex with him increases those feel-good attachment hormones and makes things a lot more complicated. It clouds your judgment and makes it way harder to take things slow.
  5. Check in with yourself regularly. It’s easy to get ahead of yourself when you’re falling head over heels, and that’s part of the fun of dating. However, the best way to ensure you’re on the right course is to check in with yourself regularly to make sure you’re feeling good about everything and you’re actually happy. As long as that’s the case, you’ll be just fine.

When can you speed things up with the guy?

You don’t need to move your relationship along at a glacial pace forever (or ever, really), you just need to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into before diving in head-first. Once you’ve spent enough time getting to know him and feel confident that there are no major red flags and that he’s in it just as much as you are, you can let yourself go a little more. Ultimately, you’ll thank yourself for having your own back as much as you did.

Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.