10 Signs He’s Not Putting Enough Effort Into The Relationship

From planning date night to being emotionally supportive to contributing to decisions that will affect you as a couple, maintaining a healthy relationship takes effort and if one person isn’t pulling their weight, it’s going to take a toll. It’s easy to get into a routine and stop expecting much from someone who doesn’t put in much effort but once you open your eyes to these signs that he’s not doing his part, you won’t be able to un-see them.

  1. You usually text him first. In the beginning of a relationship, it can be hard not to keep track of who is the one initiating all your conversations. Over time, it all tends to even out (or frankly, you just stop paying attention to things like that), but if you’re noticing that he never seems to be the one to reach out, it could mean he’s not that interested. Or it could be a sign that he knows you’ll come to him so he’s comfortable sitting back and letting you do the chasing. AKA being lazy.
  2. You plan most of your dates. Coming up with date night ideas is a lot easier in the beginning when you’re just getting to know each other and you haven’t already done every obvious date activity you can think of. As time goes on, a lot of couples stop planning actual dates and that can lead to feeling like your relationship is in a bit of a rut. If you’re always the one making the extra effort to think of something fun to do together, you’re letting him off easy. Just because you’re comfortably together now doesn’t mean he should stop trying to keep you interested.
  3. You have to remind him of significant dates. Not everyone is into elaborate romantic gestures and expensive gifts for every occasion, but that doesn’t mean anniversaries and birthdays should be completely ignored. Milestones like another year together should be acknowledged and celebrated in whatever way makes sense for you as a couple, but if he consistently forgets your anniversary even when you’ve let him know it’s important to you, he’s just not trying. If he’s not good with dates, that’s literally why calendar reminders exist on most phones, so there’s really no excuse.
  4. He never brings up the future. Save for mutually agreed upon casual relationships, the point of dating is to find someone you want to be around long term. If you’ve tried to bring up where your relationship is going and he shuts down the conversation completely, not only is he not serious about you, but he doesn’t want you to know it. He’d rather keep stringing you along than be honest about his intentions and risk you ending things yourself which is just unfair to you. Communication is important and if he can’t be honest about what he wants–whatever that happens to be–he’s not trying hard enough.
  5. He never asks you questions. Do you find yourself telling him all about your day, your promotion at work, a fight with your sister and your plans for the weekend before realizing he didn’t actually ask? In fact, if you didn’t volunteer the information, he would have no idea what was going on with you at all. If he doesn’t care enough to ask questions and listen to your answers, he doesn’t care about you in general.
  6. He doesn’t care what he looks like. Obviously, looks aren’t everything and if you’re with him, you find him attractive on some level. But if he’ll spend the whole weekend with you without showering, shaving or generally giving a shit at all but meticulously fix his hair and choose the right outfit to go out with his friends, it’s pretty clear that he’s capable of proper grooming but doesn’t think you’re important enough to put in the effort to look (or smell) his best. You should definitely take this as an insult because it is one.
  7. He doesn’t try to get to know your friends and/or family. If he liked you, he’d want to make sure the important people in your life liked him. That’s just good boyfriend 101. If he isn’t trying to put his best foot forward when he’s around them (or he just avoids being around them completely), it’s a pretty big red flag that he doesn’t see this as a long-term thing. Or maybe he just has no concept of how to be in a relationship. In either case, girl, run.
  8. He only cares about himself in bed. Whether you’re in a casual relationship or it’s more serious, there’s no excuse for not doing your part to please your partner in the bedroom. No one is saying he has to be a pro at everything but genuine effort can go a long way. Does he ask what you like? Is he open to trying new things? Does he pay attention to how you’re responding to the things he’s doing? If the universal answer is no, it’s time to find someone who does.
  9. He makes excuses to avoid doing anything for you. The best partners are the ones that do things for you without you having to ask them. They do it because they genuinely want to help you out and make your life just the slightest bit easier. Think about it: when you like someone, will you go out of your way to do something nice for them? All the time, right? If he isn’t doing that, he either doesn’t like you that much or he’s too lazy and neither of those things are good.
  10. He never compromises. If there’s one thing that is absolutely essential in any kind of relationship, it’s compromise. There will always be times when you both have to give a little to get a little, but if he has to have his way 100% of the time, he’s not committed to the long-term success of the relationship–or your happiness for that matter. It isn’t always easy to compromise, but you do it for someone you care about. If he isn’t doing that, he’s not making the kind of effort you deserve from a partner.
By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.