Within the past few years, guys having a “side chick” has reached an all time high. There are songs, movies, and even books about being the other woman, which is pretty messed up. You’d think men would “keep it 100” and tell you if they weren’t ready to be in a relationship with only one person (or that he’s actually already with someone when you meet). Instead, they’ve gotten a lot more clever and underhanded in their tactics and they know how to keep their girlfriends and their side pieces separate. Also, being a side chick is no longer an embarrassment to some women, which gives men more reason to have one. Here are a few signs that he’s actually in a relationship with someone else.
He buys you stuff to keep you happy. Hush gifts are things he buys for you when you start talking about serious stuff, like moving in together, committing, or spending time with his family, and an argument sparks. Because he wants to keep you as his side chick, he finds your material weakness and plays on that to stray you away from the serious topics and also to keep you around.
He seems completely disconnected when you get emotional with him. When women date, they anticipate the time in their relationships when they fall for the guy and can tell him how they feel. However, if you open up to your guy and tell him how you feel repeatedly and he doesn’t reciprocate and/or tries to downplay the entire topic, this could be a sign that his heart lies elsewhere.
You’re never invited to stay the night after sex. As couples get more comfortable with each other, they tend to stay over at one another’s place after sex. However, if he leaves your apartment in the middle of the night, or makes sure you never stay over at his place, this is a definite red flag. Also, keep in mind, if he has a family or even just a girlfriend, staying until dawn will never be an option.
He refuses to show affection in public. PDA should never be an issue in any relationship, so long as it’s within reason. But if you go to grab his hand and he pulls his away, or you never kiss or get too close when you’re out together, this could be a sign that you’re a side chick. This also gives him room to lie to his “main chick” about who you are if you two happen to be seen.
He dodges every photo opportunity. Everyone is on Facebook and Instagram posting their food, kids, and significant others. Snapchat and Oovoo also make every day a motion picture production. So, if you notice that your guy is dodging selfies like bullets whenever you tilt your phone to take a picture, you may be a side chick.
You have a “secret spot” that he tries to play off as romantic. Every couple has a favorite spot to eat or hang out. However, if he choses to always take you miles outside of the city or to venues with very little traffic, it’s a possibility he’s trying to be discreet about being out with you without letting you know.
He always wants to meet late at night. If you only meet after dark or after reasonable date hours, such as 11pm or later, chances are he has another life that he leads – the hours prior to those late night “booty call” hours.
He prefers to stay in when you’re together. If your guy always strays away from going out or always wants to just come to your place to hang out, this is a major side chick indicator. There’s a difference between a guy being a homebody and trying to be sneaky with your relationship. Every couple has dinner at restaurants or goes on movie dates from time to time.
You’re never invited to family gatherings. If you have never met a guy’s parents and children or haven’t been to any events that include his friends, this is another side chick indicator.
He has to go suddenly whenever you’re on the phone. When you speak to your guy on the phone, if he speaks to you in a very formal tone without even addressing you by name more often than not, that’s a definite sign you are a side chick. If he’s always gotta go suddenly or straight up hangs up on you out of nowhere from time to time, that’s probably because his actual girlfriend got home.
He won’t let you take his picture. He doesn’t want any proof floating around that the two of you have spent time together. If his girlfriend ever came across the snapshots, then it would ruin his entire arrangement. That’s why he pretends that he’s camera shy.
He won’t go out in public with you. If he spends hours at your house, but won’t run to the store with you for five minutes, then he’s worried about being seen with you in public. Even if he wasn’t in a relationship, refusing to be seen with you means that he’s embarrassed of you when a real man would be proud to show you off.
He won’t let you visit his house. If you stopped by his house, his parents or roommates would see you, and then they could mention your little visit to his girlfriend. His girl might even drive past his house and see your car in the driveway, which would cause a huge fight. That’s why he prefers to play it safe by inviting himself over to your place.
He won’t stay the night. If he actually stayed the night, then you would assume that he was serious about your relationship, and he doesn’t want that. Plus, if he’s living with his girlfriend, she’d have dozens of questions about why he didn’t come home, where he was, and whom he was seeing.
He only texts you when he wants sex. When he texts you, does he ask you about your day and tell you about his? Or does he only message you to ask for nudes or a booty call? If he only talks to you about sex, then that’s the only reason you’re in his life.
He won’t introduce you to his friends. If he won’t introduce you to any of his family members or friends, they might not even know that you exist. If he wants to keep his cheating on the down low, then he’s not going to tell anyone about you. Otherwise, his secret wouldn’t stay a secret for long.
He won’t add you on social media. If he let you see his Facebook or Instagram, then you’d see all of the photos of him and his girlfriend. Then you’d cut him out of your life, and he doesn’t want that. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
He won’t spend the holidays with you. When you’re in a serious relationship, you’ll stop by at your boyfriend’s house to say hello to his family. If you’re only his side chick, then he’s going to be spending the holidays with someone else, which means that he’ll want you to keep your distance.
He won’t tell you who he’s texting. If he has a lock screen on his cell, and won’t tell you who he’s texting after you ask him, then something’s fishy. He’s either cheating on you or cheating with you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t hesitate to show you his phone screen.
He won’t call you his girlfriend. There’s always a reason behind his actions, so don’t let him off the hook if he refuses to consider you his girlfriend after months of sleeping together. Maybe he has commitment issues. Maybe he wants to move slow. Or maybe you’re just his side chick.
The devastating stages of finding out he already has a girlfriend
A lot of people hate on the side chick or pass blame on to them. But sometimes, they’re just as clueless as the partner that got cheated on. These are the painful stages of finding out you’re the woman on the side.
The force of being blindsided The initial shock factor of finding out that the object of your affection is already taken sucks. It’s like having the wind knocked out of you violently. It destroys every daydream you ever had for a future that never existed.
Wondering what vibe you gave off that caused you to be chosen You start to wonder what it was about you that made you the perfect target to play stand-in to their relationship. Were you just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or, did he think you were weak or an easy target?
Feeling unworthy and full of self-doubt What does she have that I don’t? You wonder why you’ve finally found someone you loved spending time with… but he already had someone else before you. You wonder if you had just met him first, things might be different. They wouldn’t because he would likely have done the same thing to you eventually.
Realizing your trust was broken too You thought he was faithful to you. But, the reality is he was unfaithful to her. That’s a trust he broke between you two, as well. He screwed both of you over.
Contemplating whether should tell the main chick, if she doesn’t already know This is when anger starts to penetrate you. You feel guilt over being put in this situation. You feel like the way to be in control again is to come out with the truth. You’ll live in this place for a while, wrestling with if you should or shouldn’t say anything. This only increases your pain.
Feeling guilty for no reason You feel so guilty, like you’re the one in the wrong. You know you’ll be seen as the villain for being the one he played with. So, you hate yourself and blame yourself for a while. You need to remember that this isn’t your fault. You didn’t ask for this.
Realizing the signs you didn’t realize were signs Think of that time he stepped out of the room to make a phone call. Or, how you never met any of his friends. What about how all of your dates always had to be super low-key? Realizing that the signs were there all along can be devastating. You feel like an idiot. You weren’t. You were just hopeful.
Experiencing incredible amounts of sympathy You start to reflect on the horror of the situation in its entirety. You feel bad for yourself and for his girlfriend. You realize you’re both victims in this situation and the pain you’re feeling is shared. You wish there was something you could do to make things okay. There isn’t.
Reaching inevitable defeat and acceptance Once the damage sinks in, you reflect on everything you just went through. You realize you’ve been played. Even though you got hurt and you didn’t find the right guy, you weeded out a master loser before it was too late. Sure, it’s going to hurt for a while. But, at least you’re no longer wasting time with someone who doesn’t deserve you. You just know better for next time you gamble your heart.
Why you should never settle for being a side chick
You’re the girl that other girls hate. Being a woman means that you’re part of a sisterhood. There are some things we should never put each other through. Yes, you’re single. Yes, the guy is at fault, too. But karma’s a bitch. Plus, wouldn’t want another girl sneaking around with your boyfriend, would you?
If all you’re getting out of the deal is sex, you have better options. Seriously, this the golden age of easy hook-ups. There are so many more stress-free options to finding someone to screw your brains out. Or, even to hold you for the night, if that’s what you’re into.
You’re enabling bad behavior. Guys do this only because they can get away with it. As women, we need to keep our expectations high and make clear that this “fad” is not acceptable.
It’s highly unlikely that you’re ever going to be promoted to girlfriend. Sure, the fact that his relationship is in such poor shape that he’s cheating means that it probably won’t last very long. But even if he does break up with his girlfriend, don’t count on him running into your arms when he does. More likely than not, he’ll have had his fill of drama from the breakup and will want to start fresh with somebody totally new.
There are other, less dramatic ways to get a self-esteem boost. Seriously, if you’re looking for someone to tell you how hot you are, get an Instagram account or throw on your sexiest outfit and hit the club. Wouldn’t you rather stop the drama?.You deserve to be in a real relationship if you want to be. I don’t care who this guy is. He could be rich and famous or the guy you’ve been crushing on since middle school. If you want something he doesn’t, you’re automatically incompatible. You might seem happy to be in his rotation now, but you’ll never really be fulfilled.
This guy isn’t going to do any of the boyfriend duties. When you’re officially with someone, you immediately have a date to events like your cousin’s wedding and the movies over the weekend. Without the title, this guy doesn’t owe you anything. Even worse, you may feel weird asking someone else to go with you since you’ll feel like you’re cheating. (You’re not, by the way.)
Being a side chick will make you insecure. If this guy has actual girlfriends filtering in and out, you’ll keep wondering what they have that you don’t. It’s bound to make anyone jealous. Remember, unless these other girls do something openly to make you feel bad about yourself, they’re not the enemy. They’re just into this guy’s charm the same way you are. And if they’re actively in a relationship with him and he keeps saying they’ll break up soon, just know he’s lying to you. He’s sleeping with at least two girls right now, why would he change that?
You can’t flaunt your relationship on social media. Maybe you can post a group picture or two, but cute selfies are pretty much off-limits in a side chick arrangement. If he’s dating someone else, they’ll get very suspicious (as they should) if the two of you are posting somewhat intimate photos online of each other.
What you’re doing is pretty cruel. Sometimes a side chick is a girl who a guy seeks out when he’s in-between actual relationships. That’s one thing. But way more often, he’s married or in a committed relationship and is using you to cheat. That means that you’re in a position in which you’re actively hurting someone else. Regardless of the horrible things you’ve heard about their significant other, cheating is cheating.
If you’re found out, you’ll get a lot of the blame. Really, he should be the one people blame—he’s the one who agreed to be in a committed relationship with someone else—but you’ll also get a few bad words tossed your way. Yeah, you should have known better than to get into a relationship with a taken man. But, do you really need this extra pressure in your life? There are so many people out there who’d have no problem committing to you—and just you.
He doesn’t love you the way he says he does. If he has dropped the L-bomb, just know it was a method in order for you to agree to this arrangement. If the two of you were both madly in love with each other, he’d have no problem with properly ditching his other relationship and making it official. He’s not. Ever wonder why? It’s because he can see a “right now” with you. However, he can’t see a future with you.
Side chicks are set up to fail. Think about it. You don’t get the security of the relationship, you’re easy to blame, and you’re going to be left more alone than ever when things eventually fizzle—and trust me, they will. Either he’ll find a new side chick who’s more exciting or his girlfriend or wife will uncover the truth and try to ruin your life. Any pleasure you’re getting out of this situation will be short-lived.
You deserve a lot more respect than this. Stop selling yourself short. You shouldn’t have to go on secret dates. Nor should you spend your time out worrying whether or not a mutual acquaintance will spot you with someone else’s guy. These are things you shouldn’t even have to deal with. Break things off now before they get too messy. Instead, go find someone who’s looking for the same things you are, namely exclusivity.