As much as I enjoy dating straight guys, going out with queer people comes with a unique set of perks that I seriously miss when I’m with hetero dudes. Here’s what I love about dating queer people.
I can talk about my period. Straight men just don’t want to hear about your period, especially while on a date. I mean, talking endlessly about your period when out with anyone isn’t really attractive, but when I’m dating a queer person I always tell them when I’m on my period and expect them to let me know when they’ve got theirs. I almost never do this with guys I date unless I’m visibly in pain and even then, I try to skirt around the issue.
I don’t feel weird about asking them to text me when they get home. After a date, I can’t help but want to know the person I’ve been out with has arrived home safely and in one piece. Women share a bond about this that seems to escape many men. Telling my date to text me when they get home is a way of showing I actually care about them and their well-being. It’s a way of coming together in the world and it just so happens to be a way to keep our conversation going even after the date is over.
I don’t have to explain queer culture to queer people. As a queer person, queer culture, art, literature, etc. are on my mind a lot. I have shared these ideas and feelings with my straight dates, but more often than not I find myself needing to explain everything I’m talking about rather than actually have an interesting conversation about it with someone who already knows. While I don’t mind doing this every so often, it really puts a damper on things when I start feeling like my date has become a one student classroom and I’m giving a lecture.
Paying for a round of drinks isn’t awkward or weird. Honestly, I haven’t even tried this with a straight guy for fear that the date would immediately go downhill or that I’d wind up friend-zoning him. Many men are programmed to think they need to dominate, especially when they’re on a date. But in queer relationships, I usually feel much more comfortable offering to pick up the tab, even when I’m on a date with a trans guy or a person whos more masculine. Rules about money in relation to gender tend to fly away in queer relationships.
I can tell them they look cute/attractive without it being a Thing. I love being told I look good and also love to gush about how great my date or partner looks. Yet, I find that many straight men aren’t always comfortable with a woman telling them they’re hot or cute. These have somehow become feminized compliments, and when I use them, most straight guys feel the need to shrink away or repay the compliment.
Getting to top them in bed is always enjoyable. There’s really only one way to have sex in a heterosexual relationship, so telling a straight guy that I want to “top” him doesn’t really work. If I’m dating a guy and want to be more dominant in bed one night, I’ll still wind up being on the receiving end of penetrative sex. If that’s not happening, most straight guys aren’t interested in going any further.
I don’t always have to have penetrative sex if I don’t want it. Speaking of penetrative sex, sometimes I just don’t want someone inside of me. There are many ways to have sex, but heterosexual men tend to have a much narrower scope of vision in that sense. It’s difficult to vocalize not wanting it to a guy because in the queer world, the lines of what’s defined as sex are a bit looser and blurrier.
We can always agree that Ellen DeGeneres is NOT butch. It’s annoying to have to explain this to my dates. Although I understand that my straight dates aren’t going to be completely in the know about queer culture, the least they could do is educate themselves on this simple fact: Ellen is NOT butch. She’s a baby butch, a tomboy. I use this as an example of a bigger point, which is that it won’t hurt if they educate themselves at least a little.
Sharing that I don’t always identify as femme or even female is NBD. Sometimes I struggle with my identity and feel like putting on a pair of docs and a denim shirt and looking like a boy. Most of the time I consider myself to be female, but there are days when I feel somewhere in the middle and it’s nearly impossible to share this with a heterosexual male. The men I’ve dated have expected me to identify as female 100% of the time, which is just not who I am. Queer dates are a little more accepting of fluidity.
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