Getting ghosted by a guy you’ve been dating completely blows, but it’s even worse if you’ve actually slept with him. Before you start throwing a pity party and wondering what you did wrong, remember these 10 things.
Ghosting is actually pretty common. A 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that one in four people have been ghosted and nearly as many people admit to ghosting someone else. That doesn’t make it okay, of course, but it should be some comfort to know that you’re not alone in getting ghosted.
It’s okay to be hurt. It doesn’t matter if you’d only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks or if you both always claimed it was going to stay super casual — getting ghosted hurts. “Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection. It’s painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn’t just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years,” says Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW. Here’s the catch: It’s not necessarily about the betrayal but about our not having processed and integrated that early memory, and what it meant to us.” In other words, feeling upset and hurt is totally normal. Cut yourself some slack.
You don’t want someone who clearly doesn’t value you. The brutal truth is he clearly has zero respect for you, and there’s no sense stressing over someone who is capable of being so crappy. You’re an amazing woman, and he clearly didn’t realize what he had right in front of him, which is BS.
He’s a spineless coward. After you’ve slept with a guy you’re dating, you’re owed a minimum of a text to say he’s just not feeling it if that’s the case, not complete silence. Ghosting is what a coward who doesn’t have the balls to be a grown man does. Again, you’re not losing a lot in this scenario, except for a dead weight that you’ve been spared from carrying any further. “We have direct access to so many more people today and no overlapping social ties with most of them,” explains Leah LeFebvre, Ph.D., professor of communication studies at the University of Alabama. “If we disappear on somebody, we may think it won’t have any negative ramifications. There isn’t the fear of a mutual friend saying, ‘Hey, why did you do that to him?'”
You didn’t do anything wrong. Making the choice to sleep with someone is completely yours to make, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. You don’t need to beat yourself up or wonder if you slept with him too early because you were just following your own instincts and urges. In other words, you were true to yourself — and you should be proud of that.
He did you a solid favor by ghosting. Ghosting is actually a huge blessing in disguise. It’s the new penis pic equivalent — it shows you who’s worth your time, and who isn’t. Learning this early on spares you the emotional drama you could be going through months down the road when your heart is more invested. You dodged a bullet.
More things to keep in mind when you’ve been ghosted
He’s not worth the memory. When you get ghosted, it’s completely normal to look back, analyze, replay and try to decipher where it could have gone wrong for him, but don’t waste your time. We spend a lot of time obsessing over these losers when we should be spending the time getting over them because they’re seriously not worth the energy.
Remember that you got yours too. There’s a small silver lining; you did get to satisfy your urges and even though he’s a douchebag for ghosting you afterward, at least you (hopefully) got an orgasm out of it.
Give yourself some credit. You deserve more credit than you give yourself. Yes, being ghosted after sex really does some damage on your self-esteem, but you need to remember that you’re still just as amazing as you’ve always been and having sex with someone who then ghosts you isn’t about you, it’s about him being a jerk.
You’re putting yourself out there, and that’s all that matters. You’re out there, you’re dating, you’re testing out the chemistry and you’re trying to form a lasting connection; that’s all you can really do. The fact that you’re feeling anything at all is a good sign that you’re on your way to feeling something amazing, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. Getting ghosted isn’t going to slow you down.
The right guy is still out there. So what if you got ghosted after having sex with someone? It hurts, and it’s OK to feel disappointed and let down, but don’t give up hope. No matter how many idiots ghost you, let you down, treat you unfairly, or just don’t see the amazing qualities inside you, the one who will see everything clearly is still out there and waiting for you to show up. Hang in there.
Screw him. Don’t let yourself forget the fact that he’s a moron and that’s why you got ghosted. Chuck your deuces to the sky and bid him the good riddance he couldn’t muster up himself.
How to deal with being ghosted without losing your mind
Whatever you do, don’t text him. You might think sending him a message to ask him what’s up or even to give him a piece of your mind is a good option, but try to resist the urge. “They have sent a message by not having the decency to let you know they were not interested. There is no need to text them,” advises licensed clinical social worker Patti Sabla. “What would you be texting them about, to confirm they are not interested in you? I think ghosting you in the first place sent that message.”
Focus on yourself for a while. Maybe you thought this relationship was going to go somewhere and the fact that it isn’t is something you’re struggling with. This is the perfect time to focus on improving your own mental and emotional health and well-being to bounce back better than ever. Get some fresh air and exercise, eat well, journal, and do other things that make you feel calm and content.
Try not to take it personally. While it’s easier said than done, it’s important to understand that getting ghosted says more about them than it does about you. Celebrity dating coach Laurel House says that in addition to realizing it’s not about you, you should also try to just let the whole thing go rather than harboring resentment. “It’s also unnecessary to hold onto anger toward them because that’s allowing them to be in control of your emotions. Don’t give them that,” she says.
Get back out there when you’re ready. Take the lessons you learned from this experience and use them to date smarter in the future. Don’t let being ghosted dampen your belief in love, but instead, put yourself back out there when the time is right and keep a positive perspective. Someone good is out there for you, just you just have to be patient enough to find them.