Being super, ultra, mega single has a way of transforming you. You’re still the same person you’ve always been, but at some point, things start to get a little strange. The same thoughts start running through your head every day, and before long, you start developing some weird habits that probably wouldn’t have cropped up if you’d been dating someone. These things aren’t necessarily unique to single AF women, but they definitely start happening more when we’ve gone a bit too long without being in a relationship:
Sit with a hand down our pants
It’s not even a sexual thing. It’s just… comfortable. It might not be the most ladylike thing to do, but you can bet that when we’re bumming around at home in our sweats and powering through a Netflix marathon, at least one hand is between our legs just chillin’ with our lady bits.
Do extensive internet research on attractive celebrities
Is it even possible to watch a movie without looking up that ridiculously hot side character and turning into a couch-based private investigator? Even if our intentions are just to look up all the other movies he’s been in, it always ends in lengthy Google Image browsing sessions, impressive knowledge of the band he was in fifteen years ago, and an unnerving amount of jealousy towards his spouse.
Watch embarrassing movies
I don’t mean “bad chick flick” embarrassing. I mean movies that eight-year-old you might have enjoyed, but 22-year-old you should be way too old for. Or maybe the movies that should have never seen the light of day at all, never mind your Netflix queue. Nobody in their right mind would watch these flicks with us no matter how much they loved us, but when you’re single, you don’t have to care as to what someone else wants to watch.
Masturbating in itself isn’t weird at all — it’s just the sheer frequency that we do it when we have free time, but no chance of getting laid. Guys have the reputation for being the ones who jack off all the time, but give a single girl some boredom and the potential for multiple orgasms, and you’ll be shocked at just how much she can accomplish.
Search for weird-ass videos to watch on YouTube
When you’re single, you don’t have to worry about your new boyfriend jumping on your computer to look up a song and stumbling on the dozens of blackhead popping videos you’ve watched. Plus, all that nightly free time that taken girls spend doing lovey-dovey stuff is perfect for going down a dark rabbit hole of “suggested videos.” The journey isn’t always pretty, but luckily, no one’s around to judge you for taking it.
Fill up our wedding boards on Pinterest
Even if you know zero people who might become your husband in the next five years, even if you don’t want a fancy wedding, even if you detest the very idea of marriage, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a Pinterest wedding board. It might seem ridiculous that a single woman would spend so much time picking out favorite dresses and decorations for an event that’s guaranteed not to happen for her in the near future, but that doesn’t stop us from doing it anyway.
Revert back to our cavewoman ways
If it’s long pants season and we’re not getting naked for anyone, you can bet that our leg hair is going to be long enough to braid if we can manage it. When you’re perpetually single, your style tends to gravitate to “homeless man” as time goes on. We stay hygienic, but we’re also not going to fret if we go a solid week without changing our bra or rely on dry shampoo way more than we should.
Download, then delete, then re-download dating apps
It starts because we’re lonely, ends because we remember how much dating sucks, then restarts because we’re lonely. You’d think we’d be able to make up our minds about this stuff already, but we always end up going back to it the same way we go back to the men who are no good for us.
Look for (and possibly buy) a lot of stuff we don’t need on Amazon
Not having a boyfriend to spend money on means we get to spoil ourselves. It seems awesome at first, but then we find ourselves shopping for things we definitely don’t need. Do you REALLY need a special device for taking the tops off strawberries? Nope, but since you’re not spending money on anyone else, that thing’s getting shipped right to your door.
Have imaginary arguments with our exes
That guy is probably never going to run into you at the supermarket and bring up that time he got way too drunk at your office party, but that doesn’t make it any less fun to imagine. It might seem a little crazy (especially if someone saw us muttering angrily to our shower walls), but fantasizing about delivering that perfectly sassy comeback to the jerk who left us single in the first place makes it all worth it.
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