13 Signs The Guy You’re “Talking” To Doesn’t Actually Want To Date You

The honeymoon phase means spending hours fantasizing about the possibilities of this new maybe-relationship, but something’s a little off. Over time, your guy doesn’t seem quite as enthusiastic. He’s kind of distant, it’s hard to make plans with him, and he blows you off to hang out with his boys all the time. Looks like he doesn’t want to date you after all — here’s how you know for sure.

  1. He’s not technically single yet. Oh, it’s okay, though. He’s in the middle of a breakup. He’s working on extricating himself from his ex. It’s not like he’s in a relationship, either, it’s just that he’s not really single. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal – and probably can’t understand why it bothers you.
  2. He describes anything about his previous relationship as “complicated.” Regardless of how he describes his current romantic status, be aware of this statement. Beware of this statement. Nothing is so complicated that he can’t at least try to explain it. If he’s hiding behind excuses like this, trust that there’s a reason.
  3. He seems on really good terms with his ex. It’s great that he’s not bad-mouthing his previous girlfriend or hasn’t resorted to calling her “crazy” (major red flag), but it’s also not exactly comforting to know that he’s on such good terms with her that it’s like they never broke up. Why aren’t they still together if they get along so well?
  4. He makes a point of telling you that he’s not ready for anything serious. In some cases, this is admirable. Seriously, good on every woman and man who says upfront that they just want something casual. However, if he acts like you’re dating but still uses this excuse, he’s just leading you on while he waffles.
  5. It takes him forever to answer your texts. On its own, this isn’t a crime, but bear with me. You can’t get mad at someone for being busy or distracted. Once it becomes a chronic issue, however, it starts to make you feel distinctly unimportant, even invisible.
  6. Yet, he’s always on his phone when you’re hanging out. Yeah, so, that whole texting thing is problematic when this is also true. He’s never not on his phone while he’s with you. He obviously doesn’t have a problem texting anyone else in a timely manner. Maybe he doesn’t answer you quickly because he’s not really into you.
  7. Every time the topic of dating comes up, he avoids it like the plague. He’s determined not to commit. He doesn’t want to talk about the subject. Even if you just want to tell him that you’d like to keep things casual, you never get the chance because he consistently shuts down the conversation before it starts.
  8. You are entirely separate from the rest of his life. You’re never around when he hangs out with his friends. He has no interest in meeting yours. Family is similarly off-limits. Do the two of you have any mutual friends? Pay attention to that because if he keeps your “relationship,” such as it is, from the friends you have in common, he’s not serious worth a damn.
  9. The two of you don’t go out on actual dates. You hang out a lot, mostly at your place. Instead of dinner and a movie, it’s always Netflix and delivery. On the rare occasion you do go out, you probably cross the city limits, don’t you?
  10. He doesn’t think twice about canceling. Sometimes he lets you know, but he stands you up fairly frequently, as well. It suggests that he’s definitely not dying to see you, and it implies that he’s got more important things to do at any given moment. Your time isn’t valuable to him – and neither is your company.
  11. You don’t know what he looks like in natural light. Because you only really see him at night – get it? Ba-dum ching. For real, though, while you can’t quite call him a booty call, you’ve probably noticed that you’re never out in public during the daytime, right? You see each other in the evening if you see each other at all.
  12. You’re nowhere near social media official. You are nowhere on his social media, period. He won’t tag you in pictures, on Instagram, or even in Twitter replies. He doesn’t reply to comments, he won’t like any of your statuses or shares, and you will never see yourself in a photo with him.
  13. He assures you that he’s just “bad at relationships.” So, obviously, whatever you’re doing is just pretend. This is a fall-back position, by the way. It’s an easy way out. This way, when he does a duck and fade, he has a ready-made excuse.
  14. He’s super happy with the way things are – aren’t you? Press him hard, and this is what he’ll tell you. Aren’t things just fine right now, with no boundaries or rules or definitions? Aren’t you happy constantly worrying about where you stand and what you are? No? Then maybe you ought to take a page out of his book. Why do you want to date such a goober anyway?

Why he keeps talking to you even though he doesn’t want a relationship with you

This is one of the most baffling aspects of dating and one of the most infuriating as well.

  1. He’s bored. This is probably the easiest and most likely explanation. He doesn’t have anything else going on in his life at the moment so kinda sorta “hanging out” with you occasionally is a way to pass the time. If something better comes up, he’ll drop you before you can blink, but while things are pretty quiet in his life, he’ll entertain a pseudo-relationship with you. How kind of him.
  2. He kinda likes you, just not enough. He could just say he doesn’t want to date you, but he’s probably aware that doing that means you’ll walk away and he doesn’t really want to lose you completely. He does like you, just not enough to put aside his desire to be an eternal bachelor and actually put some effort into a relationship with you. For now, it’s easier to keep you on the hook until the whole thing blows over, which he knows will happen eventually.
  3. He wants to get laid. If you’re sleeping with him while hoping for a relationship but getting nothing in return, you’re playing into his hand. You’ve already shown him he gets to sleep with you without having to do much and he’s pretty happy with that arrangement. If you’re having sex with him, stop. Cut off his supply and see what happens. Chances are, he’ll disappear from your life completely pretty quickly. There’s no better way to see a guy’s true color than this.

What to do when you realize the guy you like doesn’t want to date you

    1. Call him out on it. You shouldn’t try to change his mind or throw a pity party about the fact that he’s not interested in pursuing a real relationship with you, but you should absolutely call him out for wasting your time and not being honest and upfront about his intentions from the get-go. You have better things to do with your time than “hanging out” with a dude who has no intention of taking things further.
    2. Hold fast to your self-respect. It can be tempting to stick around even though you know this almost relationship will never develop further. That’s because a part of your brain is thinking, “Well, what if it does?” It won’t. By allowing yourself to cling to a tiny bit of hope — or be manipulated by a guy who magically reels you in the minute he feels you drifting away — you’re undermining your dignity and self-respect. Demand better and don’t accept less.
    3. Walk away. This really is the only way to handle a situation like this. If you’re looking for a serious long-term relationship (or at the very least the possibility of one) and he doesn’t want to date you on more than a casual basis, you really have no other choice than to end things immediately. While it sucks, especially if you really liked him and you already invested a fair amount of time and energy into things with him, it’s ultimately for the best.
    4. Vow to recognize the signs next time. It’s not your fault that you went into things with this guy with the best of intentions and the highest of hopes. You don’t want to be jaded about love or too much of a pessimist when it comes to dating. However, time-wasters tend to display tell-tale signs pretty early on that give away their true intentions. Now that you’ve experienced this kind of guy first-hand, commit those signs to memory so that you recognize them right away and can nip the situation in the bud.
    5. Make your intentions clear. Maybe you did tell this guy from the outset that you’re looking for a proper relationship and he pretended to go along with it even though he knew he wasn’t on the same page. That doesn’t make you a fool, it makes him a jerk. However, if you weren’t exactly clear about your relationship goals and tried to play it cool for fear of alienating him, know that this doesn’t always work out for the best. In the future, be unapologetic about what you’re looking for and spell it out so that if the guy you’re dating doesn’t feel the same, he can exit stage left before things go any further.
west virginia native, new hampshire transplant, parisian in the depths of my unimpressed soul. owner of an impressive resting bitch face. writer and reader. fluent in sarcasm and snark. lover of lower case and the oxford comma.