Saying “I love you” doesn’t always mean those feelings are real. Sometimes, fear masquerades as love. Maybe you’re terrified of being single again or have become so dependent on your partner that you can’t imagine life without them. These unhealthy attachments often lead to staying in relationships far past their expiration date. Here’s how you know that your relationship is fueled by fear, not love – and why it’s time to break free.
1. You spend way too much time with your partner.
Spending a lot of time with your partner can be a way for you to bond, sure, but it can also help you soothe your deep fear of abandonment. Maybe you’re so scared that your partner will find someone else when you’re not around that you stick to them like Gorilla glue. As Verywell Mind points out, clinginess is a major sign of insecurity in a relationship, and it always backfires in the end.
2. You dread the single life.
The thought of being single again might make you break out in a cold sweat. You don’t want to be alone and feel the pressure to find someone new. Maybe you’re experiencing this because being single before you met your current partner was a horrible experience. Your M.O. is to hold on tight to your partner, no matter what.
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3. You fear no one else will ever like you.
Do you secretly worry that no one else will ever find you attractive? This belief, fueled by low self-confidence, can trap you in a relationship out of fear, not love. If you feel like your partner is the only person who’ll ever see your worth, it’s a red flag that you’re settling and holding yourself back from healthier, more fulfilling love.
4. You bend over backwards for your partner.
When your partner needs a favor, you’re always quick to help – even if you’re tired, frustrated, or busy. You feel like you have to jump through hoops to keep them happy and smitten with you. Although in your heart of hearts you know you should be loved for who you are, not for what you can do, you can’t help putting in the extra effort to keep your relationship going.
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5. You’ve become a clone of your partner.
Becoming too much like your partner, down to how they dress and what hobbies they like to do in their spare time, might make you feel like you’re connected to them. However, this could be a way for you to deal with your strong fear of rejection. For example, you might think that being just like them will ensure they stay loved up, HealthNews explains. Of course, this usually goes wrong in the end. No one wants to date their carbon copy!
6. You’re ignoring relationship red flags.
Imagine this: your partner snaps at your friend, or casually drops a bomb about hating commitment. Instead of a healthy dose of concern, a cold dread washes over you. You might convince yourself everything’s fine, burying those red flags under a mountain of denial. But this isn’t blind optimism, it’s pure terror. The truth? You’re clinging to the relationship for dear life, fueled by the paralyzing fear of it ending.
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7. You depend on your partner to make decisions.
You get a cool job offer or you want a new tattoo, but you run to your partner for advice before making a move — and take their word as law. Lately, it might feel like you can’t make any decision without first getting the go-ahead from them. You’re depending on them way too much, to the point where you’re losing yourself.
8. You apologize way too often.
Fear of being hurt or rejected can make you want to be the perfect, most peaceful partner. This could cause you to apologize to your partner all the time, even when you haven’t actually done anything wrong. This is a people-pleasing tactic that’s based in fear because you don’t want to rock the boat or be seen as negative.
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9. You try to avoid conflict.
Linked to the previous point, you might be trying your hardest to avoid any and every type of relationship conflict. You’re afraid of fighting with your partner in case the relationship ends. But at what cost? You’re brushing relationship issues under the carpet, but they’re not going to go away. In fact, they’ll likely just snowball until they become insurmountable.
10. You can’t be your true self.
If it sometimes feels like you can’t be authentically you around your partner, you might be settling for a relationship that doesn’t tick all your boxes. You’re too afraid to stand up for your needs and wants — or go find someone who’ll be your ideal match. So, you stick with your current partner because in your mind, it’s better than being alone.
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11. You and your partner never have date nights.
Investing in a relationship isn’t just about doing the hard yards. It’s also about having fun and enjoying quality time with your partner. If you don’t care about having date nights or spending a lot of time with them, you might not have such strong feelings for them, after all.
12. You don’t want to be seen as a quitter.
Sometimes, people cling to relationships because they don’t want to be seen as a failure. If this rings true for you, you could be holding on to your partner a little too much. You’re totally ignoring your happiness and defining yourself according to your relationship success.
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13. You depend on your partner financially.
If you’re with your partner because they’re the main breadwinner and leaving them would cripple you financially, this can make things complicated. It’s much more challenging to stand up for yourself and walk away when the relationship doesn’t meet your needs if you need them to be able to pay your rent. Yikes.
14. You feel lonely in your relationship.
When you’re with your partner, do you sometimes feel lonely or like they don’t understand you? These are huge red flags that you’re with someone you don’t truly love and who isn’t making you as happy as you could be. You need to boost your self-esteem and self-worth so you gain the courage to make yourself a priority.
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15. You feel empty when your partner’s not around.
Instead of feeling lonely in your relationship, perhaps you can’t handle the loneliness you feel when your partner’s not around. If you’re bored/sad/lost without them, it points to an unhealthy attachment. This can be toxic, especially if you feel like you can’t have a life or be happy without them.
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