Are You Getting What You Deserve? 11 Ways You Might Be Settling Without Even Realizing It

If you find yourself in a less than happy relationship, it can be tough to figure out the source of your restlessness. After all — he’s a really nice guy who treats you well and genuinely loves you, so why aren’t you ecstatic? Maybe it’s because you’re settling without even realize. If you relate to any of these things, chances are you’re accepting less than you want and deserve:

  1. You have nothing in common. You need at least a few things in common with your boyfriend — you just do. Eventually, everything is going to disappear except your bond, and if you never had much of a connection besides the physical stuff, that’s going to get old and boring soon enough. Obviously you don’t need to be identical, but a bit of common ground is a necessity.
  2. You have no reason not to date him. You know when you go on an okay first date and you can’t make up your mind? It’s super tough because while you didn’t hate this guy, you didn’t feel major sparks flying either. Still, you figure you’ll see him a second time because there’s no reason not to, and that second date turned into a third and now you’re in a relationship without even really knowing why. Yup, you settled by accident.
  3. There are no glaring red flags. Sometimes you spend so much time thinking about red flags and neon signs that a guy is not worth dating that you think that’s the only indicator of whether someone is worth it. But even if you this guy doesn’t have a sketchy past or an ex that he’s still into, you still don’t have to date him. He could still not be the right person for you.
  4. You’re not getting what you want. It doesn’t matter how sweet this guy is or how well you get along. If you’re not getting what you want from the relationship — whether that’s spending more time together, traveling, or having new experiences — then you’re absolutely settling.
  5. You feel obligated. Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to stay with them. Sometimes you feel that way because you’ve been together long enough and it almost seems super cruel to break up with them. But if you’re not truly happy, you’re just hurting the both of you, and that’s no way to live.
  6. Your people love him. It can be tough to admit to your friends and fam that your BF just isn’t right for you. You want the people in your life to adore the guy that you’re seeing, so when they do, that makes you want to stay with him. It’s pretty easy to think that if they like him so much, then you should too.
  7. You’re embarrassed. If you ever feel embarrassed by your boyfriend’s behavior or actions, then you’re settling. You may not think that you are because you like everything else about him, but if he shows up late to every date or just doesn’t show up at all when you’re hosting a party, that’s a problem.
  8. You act like you’re single. Do you show up to everything you’re invited to totally alone even though you have a boyfriend? Do you spend more time alone than with him? If you act like you’re still on your own, then maybe you should be. There’s definitely a reason that this is happening. If you were in the right relationship, being together wouldn’t be a chore, it’d be a pleasure.
  9. You’re too nice. Sure, it’s pretty much the relationship dream to think that you would always get along with your BF and never, ever fight. And yet that’s just what it is — a dream. If you’re too nice and always agree with him no matter what, you’re settling and you’re not thinking about yourself, which is what you should always be doing.
  10. You compromise more often than not. Compromises should happen sometimes, not all the time. This means that you and your partner really aren’t on the same page and that your wants and needs are pretty much totally opposite. That’s not a recipe for long-term happiness.
  11. You ignore your gut. You know when you should be with someone and when you shouldn’t. You can definitely settle by ignoring your instincts about your relationship. Don’t make yourself more unhappy. Learn to trust yourself and you’ll end up where you need to be.
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.