Being a stepparent is an extremely challenging role. While falling in love with someone who has children can be a beautiful and rewarding journey, there’s always a stigma tied to the role of a stepparent. The fact remains that every family has a different story and no two situations are the same. Here are some things to avoid saying to anyone in a stepparent role.
1. “Do you really want to take on all of that responsibility?”
Being a stepparent means that you are not only building a relationship with a partner, but you’re also taking on the responsibility of building one with their children. It is a huge responsibility, as you can have an impact on these children’s lives and the way they view their parents. While it is something that can weigh heavy on a stepparent, we don’t need to be constantly reminded of how big of a role this can be.
2. “You shouldn’t try so hard.”
Stepparents want to earn the love and respect of their partner’s children, and that means trying. Sometimes, trying hard. When people tell us we shouldn’t “try so hard,” it paints the picture that we just shouldn’t care about our partner’s kids at all. That’s never the case. Keep trying!
3. “You knew what you signed up for.”
Life can get hard when you’re a stepparent and sometimes we just need to vent about all of the struggles we undergo. That doesn’t mean that we want out—it just means we’re human and need a good shoulder to lean on. The last thing we need is a guilt trip about how it was “our choice” to date someone with kids and we knew how hard it would be.
4. “They’re not your kids, though.”
Sure, we didn’t give birth to our partner’s kids, but that doesn’t mean we have to love them or cherish them any less than we do. Some stepparents actually step up and end up parenting full-time—even though they weren’t there from day one. Not everyone has the same story so refrain from the judgment and the labeling.
5. “Just let your partner handle everything.”
Many people have the misconception that just because it’s our partner’s children, they should be the only ones who can parent them. However, when their children are in our care, we’re responsible for them—keeping them safe, making sure they’re okay, and teaching them right from wrong. We don’t take that responsibility lightly.
6. “Don’t you want your own kids?”
Some stepparents want to have more children, while some don’t. Every person has a different need or want. Having stepchildren in our lives doesn’t make them any less “ours” or special, and it doesn’t diminish that we’re a responsible parent.
7. “Competing with their ex must suck.”
Ex-wives and ex-husbands are exes for a reason. While your partner may co-parent with them, the love between them is no longer alive and well. There is probably no competition at all, and just a mere mutual respect in raising their kids to be good people.
8. “Don’t you have a lot of drama?”
So many people assume that biological parents and stepparents have nothing but drama. In reality, many biological parents actually love that their children have more individuals out there who love and care for them. Having a stepparent opens up a child’s world to a whole other source of affection that they didn’t have before.
9. “At least you get a break from parenting.”
Many stepparents don’t have the kids full-time if their partner is co-parenting with an ex-spouse. The assumption is then that you get a break from parenting every week or so. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Just because the kids are with their mom or dad, doesn’t mean your partner turns off their parenting role. Parents are on all the time, no matter what.
10. “You’re not really a parent.”
Nothing hurts more than hearing that stepparents aren’t “real” parents. If anything, we’re just as real as a biological parent. We chose to step up and love these children, care for them, and support them. While we may not have been there from the start, it doesn’t diminish how much we do now.
11. “It probably won’t last.”
Assuming that because kids are in the picture things won’t work out is cruel and cold. Kids may be a huge responsibility, but that doesn’t take away from the love that two people share. Stepparents and their partners make time to prioritize their relationship, and just because their kids are also a priority, doesn’t mean the two cannot co-exist.
12. “Do the kids hate you?”
So many narratives are out there, through books, TV shows, and movies, that showcase kids who hate their stepparents and try to break up the relationship. Not every stepchild hates their stepparent. In fact, there are tons who have loving, budding relationships.
13. “What if they go back to their ex?”
Divorces and breakups happen in everyone’s lives. Many people move on and find someone new. You wouldn’t accuse someone without children of going back to their ex once they found someone new, why are parents the exception?
14. “You must be evil.”
The evil stepmom trope is so viral across media that everyone assumes women who step into a family must hate the children and want to tear the family apart. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It takes a real woman, a strong woman, to step into a family and navigate that path to find her place.
15. “You can’t really love kids you didn’t birth.”
The worst thing you could ever say to a stepparent is that their love for their stepchildren is not genuine just because they didn’t give birth to them. Stepparents love with a strong heart and go above and beyond just to let those kids know that they really care. You don’t have to be blood to genuinely love someone with your whole heart.
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