We all have that one friend who will give us the truth without any frills or sugarcoating, no matter how direct or harsh. While it’s great to know you can depend on them for no BS, they might be using their so-called honesty as a cover so they can get away with being rude. Yikes. Here are 15 reasons why being brutally honest is actually a jerk move.
1. It lacks empathy.
Some people who claim to be brutally honest will dish out a negative comment that doesn’t acknowledge other people’s feelings. They might say, “You’re crazy” or “You’re totally overreacting.” While they think they’re being “honest,” they’re not considering the negative impact of their words and how they may affect other people.
2. It’s delivered in a rude way.
Being honest doesn’t have to be harsh. In fact, delivering the truth can be more powerful when it’s done in a gentle way. Someone who’s brutally honest, however, might be quite mean in what they say, like telling friends to “get a grip” on their issues. Woah. This isn’t straight-talking—it’s being a jerk!
3. It’s never used for positive comments.
No one ever says they’re about to dump brutal honesty on you before giving you a compliment or positive comment. For example, you’ll never hear someone say, “I’m gonna be brutally honest—I love your hair” or “I’m gonna be brutally honest—your relationship is awesome.” It’s always a negative comment, and it’s called “brutal” honesty for a reason. It usually ends with one person feeling upset.
4. It comes across as arrogant.
When a friend who’s confident and likes being honest with those around them says, “Listen, I’m going to tell you exactly what I think…” it can feel like they think they’re better than everyone else. They might use the “brutally honest” excuse to cover their real intention: They just want a chance to word vomit.
5. It’s not the only truth!
Someone who wants to be brutally honest with their friends might seem to want to focus on the truth, but here’s the real truth: What they’re saying is just their opinion. The problem is that they’re dressing it up as being the only point of view that matters, which can be frustrating to deal with.
6. It reveals someone’s personal frustrations.
Sometimes, brutal honesty is a way for someone to unleash their real feelings about a situation that has nothing to do with the other person. For example, if someone’s frustrated with their friend who keeps taking back their toxic partner, they might explode and say, “You’re pathetic if you don’t leave him!” This is clearly their way of airing out their anger and making the situation about their triggers.
7. It comes across as craving attention.
The thing about someone who claims to be brutally honest is that they can come across as wanting to hog the spotlight, like when they make shocking or controversial statements loudly in a packed restaurant. They might use the excuse “Hey, I’m just being honest,” when people get angry to deflect accountability. Regardless, it’s attention-seeking behavior.
8. It can be a defensive move.
Sometimes, people choose brutal honesty as a way to protect their egos. For example, if someone doesn’t like that their partner is making them focus on their flaws, they might react with a “brutally honest” comment to turn the tables. They do this to direct the focus on their partner and try to make them look like the bad guy.
9. It can be an excuse to start a fight.
Someone might make “brutally honest” comments to provoke an argument like they’re on The Real Housewives. Instead of trying to engage in constructive dialogue when they have beef with someone, they might choose to air out their opinions in toxic ways, like saying, “Look, I’m being brutally honest here…” followed by an insult. This escalates tension, makes the other person defensive, and can result in a big argument that wrecks their relationship. Claiming that they were “being honest!” is such a lie—clearly, they wanted a fight.
10. It doesn’t inspire anyone to change.
If you ask someone who claims they’re brutally honest for advice, chances are they’re going to dump negativity on you with their lack of compassion and harsh words. This can make you feel defensive, causing you to shut down or resist their feedback, even if there are pearls of wisdom in their words. Instead of feeling inspired to change, you’ll probably be disheartened.
11. It can become bullying behavior.
Someone who tells people (quite bluntly) about their mistakes and always has to shine a light on their flaws can come across as a bully. While they might claim to be helping them with feedback, they’re actually tearing them down and finding ways to dent their self-esteem. It’s so toxic.
12. It invalidates people’s responses.
People who claim to be “brutally honest” with others use this as a cover to say what they’re really thinking, and it’s usually mean. While that’s bad enough, what’s even worse is that when people on the receiving end of their comments get mad, they might say, “Well, I told you I was honest!” This invalidates the other person’s feelings.
13. It’s used to gaslight.
In relationships, someone who masks hurtful comments under the guise of being honest could be a gaslighter. They use statements that aren’t completely true to attack their partner’s character. For example, they might say, “I’m being brutally honest—you’re terrible at managing our finances because you shop so much.” By claiming they’re “honest,” they’re trying to justify their words, and might even make their partner feel like they deserve the harsh criticism.
14. It’s accompanied by negative body language.
How you express negative comments or criticisms is all about delivery. Usually, though, brutal honesty is combined with harsh or insulting body language cues, such as a disparaging tone of voice, eye-rolls, and smirking. These intensify the person’s words and make you feel like they’re being nasty for no good reason.
15. It includes “you never” or “you always” statements.
People who use brutal honesty as an excuse have no shame in using, “You never” or “You always” statements, such as during a fight with their partner. These statements are forceful and uncompromising, which can lead to defensiveness. They also create conflict, instead of resolution and peace.
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