While you might find it easier to set boundaries with friends, it’s different with family members. Sometimes, it can feel tougher to draw a line between what’s acceptable and what’s not because they’ve known you for your whole life and they know exactly how to try and exert control over you. However, enough’s enough when it comes to letting your family get away with violating your wishes. Here are 15 no-fuss ways to set boundaries with your family.
1. Take time to figure out what you feel.
What is it about your family members that makes you feel violated or upset? Is it when they ask you personal questions or when they belittle you? Write it down and think about what changes you’d like in your relationships with them. You can’t ask for (or demand!) what you want until you know what that is.
2. Make a list of boundaries.
Once you’ve sussed out your thoughts and feelings, you can start thinking about what boundaries you’d like to set. It’s essential to do this before you express your feelings to them so that you keep things clear. Maybe an important boundary is that you have privacy or you say “no” to doing things you don’t want to do. That’s not really asking a lot!
3. Talk to them in a clear, direct way.
It’s important to communicate with your family members about what boundaries you want instead of feeling frustrated all the time. A clever way to do this is by saying, “If you say or do X, I will need to do Y.” For example, “If you criticize me at the dinner table, I will need to stop coming to family dinners.” This helps your family learn what you will and won’t tolerate.
4. Be clear about the consequences.
As seen in the previous point, once you’ve mentioned your boundaries, it’s good to make your family members aware that you’re going to respect yourself enough to not allow them to slide. This is something they need to take seriously. While you don’t have to mention that there are consequences to them violating your boundaries, it’s good to bear them in mind — and hold yourself to them!
5. Allow for a boundary discussion.
It’s not easy to set boundaries and expect everyone else to fall in line right away, especially if this is something new. Engage in a two-sided conversation with your family members so you can talk about why your boundaries are important and let them set any boundaries they’d like.
6. Focus on how the boundaries will strengthen your bond.
Some family members might not understand your new boundaries, or they might feel disrespected by them because of a lack of understanding. Make sure you point out that boundaries are healthy — they’re not limitations, they’re guidelines. For example, you could say, “If we don’t talk about sensitive topics, we can have a happier time together.”
7. Make sure you value your time.
When setting boundaries, focus on what will help you to bring more value to your life. How much time is spent feeling hurt or upset because of what your family members have said or done? It’s not worth it. What can you do with all that time you have at your disposal? When you draw a line, you can do better things with your time and look after your mental health.
8. Deal with your guilt.
If you’re not used to expressing yourself to your family, you might feel guilty when setting boundaries. Try to deal with these feelings by reminding yourself that you’re trying to protect yourself from pain. Imagine your best friend telling you she feels guilty about saying “no” and setting boundaries. What would you tell her?
9. Have conversations with your family in person.
While you might feel braver to have difficult conversations with your family members via text, avoid the temptation. It’s better to speak to them in person so you can gauge their reactions in real-time and avoid misunderstandings. They can also see that you’re being calm and measured rather than emotional, which will help them take you more seriously.
10. Be kind, but firm.
You don’t have to be aggressive when setting boundaries. You’re asserting yourself, so you want to be firm, but you should also add kindness to the message. Explain how much they mean to you and how much you want to improve your relationships so they don’t assume that you’re cutting them out.
11. Keep reminding them of your boundaries.
Setting boundaries with family members might not be a one-off thing. You might have to keep reminding them of the boundaries. Again, be firm but be gentle so that you can nip boundary testing in the bud. The more they realize you’re not going to go back on what you said, the more likely they’ll be to start making some meaningful changes.
12. Explain why the boundaries are important to you.
It can help your family members to better understand why you’re setting the boundaries by explaining why they’re important. For example, if you’re saying “no” to sending your sibling money, you could explain that you have to prioritize your financial independence to feel more confident about the future.
13. Avoid venting on social media.
It might be helpful to mute your family members on social media if you’re worried to see their passive-aggressive vents about you or if you’re worried that you’ll get caught up in arguments online. Sometimes, people find it easier to express themselves from behind a computer screen, but it can cause chaos.
14. Avoid triggers.
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There are some things that could trigger boundary violations, so try to avoid them whenever possible. Examples of triggers could be uncomfortable topics of conversation around the dinner table or discussing your relationship with your partner if your family aren’t fans of the person. By avoiding these triggers, you can keep your boundaries intact.
15. Have get-out plans in place.
Before spending time with your family, have some strategies in place so that you can protect yourself if your boundaries are disrespected. Maybe you’ll remind them of your boundaries or you’ll take yourself out of the situation for the time being. You can’t control what they do, but you can protect yourself!
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