It’s bad enough when someone hits you with a snide remark, but it’s even worse when they try to mask it under a layer of humor. They do this to distract you from their real intentions, which is to belittle you and tear down your self-confidence. Don’t fall for it! Here’s how you know that someone’s “jokes” are actually a veiled way of being mean.
1. They laugh about things that aren’t funny.
Someone who’s trying to mask their agenda of criticizing you might laugh at things that definitely aren’t funny, like your insecurities or painful experiences. They might seem like it’s all in good fun, but how is it ever “fun” to hit people where it hurts? Most decent people aren’t going to be laughing here.
2. They use their body language to belittle you.
While they’re laughing up a storm at your expense, a sign they’re using humor to mask nastiness is if their body language is negative or clashing with what they’re saying. It’s not just what they say, but their nonverbal communication, like if they roll their eyes or smirk at you.
3. Their compliments don’t seem sincere.
You can’t rely on how someone’s complimenting you when their praise just doesn’t seem to land. It might seem like they don’t really mean what they’re saying, or they’re using sarcasm to get a mean point across. For example, if they say, “No, you’re excellent at what you do, right?” they’re obviously not being genuine.
4. They have a patronizing tone.
They want to criticize you, but they don’t have the courage to do it openly. So, they try to patronize you to make you feel uncomfortable. For example, they might say something like, “Aww, that’s so cute!” when you mention that your boss gave you a raise. What’s wrong with them?
5. They tease you relentlessly, even though you don’t have that kind of relationship.
If you both tease each other regularly, that’s more acceptable than if they’re always the one poking fun at you, and you just have to suck it up and take it. Clearly, there’s one-sided bullying going on. They could be trying to mock you, but they’re using humor to make you think they’re your friend.
6. They rip apart your success and happiness.
They might be trying to use humor to make you doubt your achievements or happiness. For instance, when you tell them that your relationship’s going well, they might say something like, “Now you’re a relationship expert!” Ha ha ha. Not. If they can’t be genuinely happy for you, you don’t need someone like this in your life.
7. They use faux surprise.
Someone who belittles you with humor might use exaggerated reactions to make you feel self-conscious or as if you’ve said something wrong. A simple question might be met with widened eyes and a gasp of “Oh my gosh!” This is a tactic designed to undermine your confidence and make you doubt yourself. Don’t let it!
8. They say they’re just kidding when cornered.
When you confront the person who’s always making these so-called jokes, they’re quick to tell you that they’re just kidding around, and they don’t mean it. Yeah, right. It’s actually a sign they’re manipulating you.
9. They repeat what you say with exaggeration.
Someone who’s using humor to hide the fact that they’re trying to be mean to you might repeat what you say but exaggerate it in a cruel way. So, if you mention that you’re busy with work, they might say, “Oh, wow, you’re so busy! You don’t have a single second to chat!”
10. They give you backhanded compliments.
These compliments have positive and negative traits in them to derail you. So, the person might say, “That’s great you’re not drinking anymore, but now you’re no fun.” Or, “I love your shoes, I’d never have the courage to wear such an obnoxious color!”
11. They name-call and call it “teasing.”
It’s not on if your friend or partner tends to name-call you and then try to downplay it as a joke. It’s not light or fun teasing — it’s cruel and can even be bullying behavior.
12. They try to laugh about you with other people.
When you’re in a group setting, the person might attempt to make jokes at your expense. They get an extra ego boost by having other people join in with the laughter. If you’re the only one who doesn’t want to laugh, that’s a clear sign they’re using humor to hurt you.
13. They laugh when it’s inappropriate.
While they might not want to insult you directly, they might smile, smirk, or laugh when it’s inappropriate for them to do so. For example, they might do this when you’re sharing a heartfelt story.
14. They’re always criticizing you.
If the person has a pattern of criticizing you in a “funny” way, they might be using humor to hint what they really think of you. So, they might say something like, “You look so tired, you could be a vampire!” or “No wonder your relationships end — you’re so nice, it hurts!”
15. They use fake sympathy.
You mention that you have to cut out sugar for health reasons, and your “friend” says, “Oh, what a shame!” with a chuckle. It doesn’t sound like a nice or funny thing to say. Another example is if you mention how bad your breakup’s been, and they say, “Aww, poor baby.” Ugh.
16. Their comments just feel off.
If you’re not sure if someone is being benignly funny or targeting you, check your gut! If you feel like what someone’s saying to you feels “off” or there’s a negative vibe underneath the surface of their words, then that should alert you to how they’re trying to disguise mean comments with laughter.
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