I do not envy the people who are dating today. It’s hard enough to meet and connect with new people in this busy digital world, but there’s also a lot of questionable behavior normalized in the dating scene. Suitors often play chess with potential matches, hiding their intentions or vetting them in unsavory ways before committing. It’s no wonder people are so jaded about relationships. If you’re one of the unfortunate few who has to dig through the mountain of unreliable potentials, it might be time for a refresher course on red flags. For your benefit, we’ve compiled a list of 17 red flags you might have been conditioned to ignore.
1. They don’t communicate.
We may see this as a normal situation; you can’t expect every stranger to open up to you about their feelings and make a huge effort to talk to you. Depending on how you look at it, though, this could be a sign they’re not a good communicator. Not only is it a red flag when they don’t make an effort to text you, but it’s a red flag if they don’t communicate effectively when they do. Not taking initiative, being ambivalent about plans, and not making their intentions clear are all signs that they might be dangerous.
2. They’re too quick to commit.
The other side of that coin is when someone is too quick to sign themselves away. It may feel like a fairytale; finally, a good guy who is serious about commitment! But it could be a trap. It’s good if they’re attentive and trying to get to know you, but it’s a red flag if they’re already picking out apartments on the second date. These people often have something to gain by shacking up with whoever will have them, so be aware. These types can be users or narcissists who will lovebomb you to try to get close to you faster than is healthy.
3. They’re controlling.
Many of us are in our soft feminine era and enjoy a man who will take charge so that we don’t have to deal with the mundane. Though this is an admirable goal, and it’s nice to have a partner who is willing to share the mental load with you, potential partners who take on too much control could be a red flag. They might do this by limiting your contacts and controlling when and what you eat or wear. These controlling types may seem reasonable on paper, but trust me, it can be a tricky situation to get out of should you want to.
4. They tell little white lies.
We can all agree being a liar is a huge red flag, but what about harmless lies? The little secrets, or even lying by omission? These might be normalized as being private or lying to protect someone, but they’re still lies. We need to wake up and realize dishonesty is dishonesty, no matter the severity. If they’re willing to lie about what they ate for lunch, they might be willing to lie about a myriad of other things, and that isn’t something anyone should tolerate.
5. They don’t respect boundaries
If you make a point of setting your intentions up front and someone doesn’t agree, the respectful thing to do is to walk away instead of insisting you change. However, in the dating world, it’s not uncommon to encounter people who agree to your terms only to violate them and pressure you into doing things you’re uncomfortable with. If you later confront them, they might even blame you for expecting too much. If someone seems hesitant to accept your boundaries or their actions don’t align with the boundaries you set, it’s a red flag, and they’ve got to go.
6. They don’t show respect or manners.
Especially nowadays, plenty of people lack common manners or are disrespectful in their speech. We may assume this is the standard for partners, but the reality is that no one should have to put up with that kind of insufferable and disrespectful behavior. There’s an old rule that I abide by—if he wouldn’t say it to his mother, he shouldn’t say it to you. Tolerating disrespect is below you, and frankly, any guy who acts like that should focus on improving themselves before looking for a partner.
7. They’re jealous.
I see this one getting romanticized way too often and everyone needs to get a grip. Here’s the thing: Jealousy does not mean they care more about you. It doesn’t mean they’re tortured in a mysterious and sexy way—they’re just insecure, either in themselves or in the relationship. Either way, it’s not a desirable trait for a partner to have. Romance novels and TV may have you fooled into thinking this is a green flag, but jealousy is a recipe for disaster, plain and simple.
8. Lack of accountability.
The boys-will-be-boys mentality may lead you to believe that men are simply thoughtless. You might buy into a story like he didn’t mean to be late; he simply lost track of time. But I’m here to tell you it’s BS. Taking accountability for your actions, and acting in a way that aligns with what you say is important. It’s a demonstration of character and maturity, and without it, you’re just dating someone who will never take the blame for anything. You don’t want to spend a lifetime making excuses for someone who doesn’t seem to know better, so get out while you can.
9. They want you all to themselves.
If they’re trying to isolate you from your friends, family, or other support systems, it’s a red flag. It can be charming if he values quality time and wants a one-on-one with you, especially during courtship. However, there is never a time when you should tolerate being separated from your family or discouraged from seeing friends. This behavior is jealousy and narcissism masquerading as a desire to spend more quality time with you. Don’t be fooled.
10. Their behavior is inconsistent.
Hot one day, cold the next—is there anything worse? We may tolerate a lot of inconsistency in behavior or mood just because we like someone. We want to believe we didn’t waste our time on this person, but it won’t work. Someone whose motives and actions are all over the place will not suddenly choose to settle down once you start dating them. They probably have some personal issues they need to iron out before they’re ready to be the partner you need. Inconsistency can be hard to deal with and trigger many negative emotions, so be careful if you find yourself attracted to someone like this.
11. They have unresolved drama with an ex.
Some people believe you should leave the past in the past, but what if your new fling insists on bringing the past with him? He might bring up his ex often or, even more complicated, there are children involved. It’s not always so dramatic, but even still, it should be considered a red flag. This type of residual drama means they’re probably not good at breaking ties and might still be emotionally dependent on the ex. Just remember that all their baggage is yours to carry, too, so choose wisely what you’re willing to tolerate.
12. They neglect your needs.
Here’s the truth: no partner (especially not a new one) will meet all of your needs. No one is perfect—instead, we should look for a willing collaborator who’s ready to go the distance for us. We should avoid lovebombers, and ESPECIALLY avoid the ones who don’t seem to care if we’re happy. If they won’t meet us halfway or won’t work on finding ways to meet our needs, then it’s a red flag.
13. They have a bad temper.
Everyone is guilty of expressing emotions in a nonproductive way from time to time. We may write it off as not that serious if our Tinder date is a little snappy with the waitress, but I urge you to reconsider. Recognizing a severe temper in a potential partner is critical to ensuring your safety. If they get frustrated easily, raise their voice often, display impatience, or are violent in any way, run for the hills. Remember, if he snaps at the waitress for messing up a drink, he can snap far worse at you in the future.
14. They have substance abuse issues.
Social drinking, smoking, and even party drugs have become incredibly common among young people today. You might have been conditioned to ignore the fact that someone who drinks every weekend or smokes pot regularly is a red flag. If you want a sober lifestyle, then don’t shack up with someone who casually uses drugs. The line can be difficult to draw at times, as we may have distorted ideas about what is normal. However, one good indication someone has a problem is if they are resistant to quitting or hesitant to change their ways. This points to a deeper issue you probably don’t want to become your problem.
15. They joke around too much.
Having a good sense of humor is a desirable trait that many of us look for. Then, there are people who take this idea too far. They will make hurtful jokes or refuse to take things seriously. If someone makes everything into a joke, it’s a red flag. And if someone makes verbally abusive jokes or picks on your insecurities, it can also be a red flag. It’s good to have a laugh with your partner but don’t let them laugh at your expense. Avoid these clowns at all costs.
16. They’re financially irresponsible.
Most of us want a partner who is well off and not afraid to spoil us. You may think it’s all green flags to have someone who gives you gifts and takes you on trips. Keep in mind, however, that there’s a limit to what is responsible. There may be a chance that their frivolousness could spell disaster down the line. If someone has bad habits with money or is constantly spending it all, they probably have poor impulse control. More importantly, if, for some reason, their supply ever runs out, you could be stuck footing the bill for their expensive habits. Red flag all the way.
17. They don’t support you.
We all have our dreams and goals. Even when they’re flighty we still want our partner to stand by us and encourage us on our quest. You may come across ‘pragmatists’ on dating websites. Folks who tell you they mean the best for you, but in reality, they’re just jerks. We may not accept that we deserve that support, and we may not be used to being supported, but that doesn’t mean you should tolerate any stranger on the street telling you your dream is impossible. Ignore naysayers and those who don’t support you because, trust me, you’re better off without them.
