When a guy comes on too strong at the start of a relationship, it’s a huge red flag. Immediately, I don’t trust that the guy has genuine intentions. Here are 12 reasons an overzealous guy falling in love too quickly is a sure sign that the relationship will die a quick death.
It’s too much too soon. You don’t actually know each other yet. As therapist and relationship coach Matthew Pfifer tells Bolde, it’s impossible to know what he’s really like and vice versa so early on. How can he be falling in love with someone he hardly knows? “When you’re in the honeymoon phase, you’re only seeing the best parts of the other person. You haven’t had any fights yet or seen each other when you’re tired or stressed,” Pfifer explained. “Something I tell my clients is that love does not exist where there is no respect. Often times, people lose the ability to respect each other during stressful times. As a result, it’s important to take things slow in the beginning and get to know the other person before getting too emotionally attached. Otherwise, you risk being blindsided later on down the road.”
Too much of a good thing turns rotten. It’s date three and he wants to call all the time and see you every day. Whoa, that’s just too much. You want a relationship to bloom, not burst into flower so quickly. If you’re having so much fun all the time, it’s like you’re using it all up. What’s going to happen in a month or two? Will you become those couples who have nothing to say to each other because we’ve been texting so much?
He’s probably a narcissist. Author and licensed marriage and family therapist Caroline Madden, tells Bolde that men who claim to be falling in love too quickly are often using this so-called passion to manipulate you. “In the beginning, a narcissist is studying you intensely and learning what your hopes and dreams are. They are also paying close attention to what you didn’t get out of your previous relationships. Then they show up meeting your needs perfectly. Instead of wanting things to unfold and take time to get to know each other, there is pressure to spend all your time together. They want to lock you in before you really get a chance to see the red flags,” she explains. “The average person has friends, work, hobbies, and family commitments. In short, they have a life. Anyone who is willing to drop everything to spend every minute with you is going to expect you to do the same. The average person honors previous commitments and relationships and doesn’t cancel them because they are dating someone new.”
He’s going to self-destruct. A guy who seems to be smitten with you from the first minute of meeting you usually ends up self-destructing. He’s way into you one minute and then next, he’s ghosting you. What happened in between? A lot of things — he’s got issues! He might be a commitment-phobe or a player who had feelings for you, but his jerk tendencies were stronger than his desire to be your boyfriend. Yup, they win every time.
He seems desperate. A guy who comes on too strongly gives off the scent of desperation, which has most women heading out the door really quickly. Thanks for playing!
Love has to be a slow burn. You should want the type of love that builds slowly. You want to enjoy every part of a relationship: when you start dating, the honeymoon phase, the first milestone. If you rush in, you’re basically just missing out on all the cool things that you should be experiencing. Why the rush, anyway?
He probably only wants sex. You’ve probably dated a guy who was so into you, but then when you wouldn’t sleep with him right away, he bolted. That explains his intense feelings for you. The guy wasn’t mad about you at all, he just was excited about scoring. As Donna Andersen, author of “Red Flags of Love Fraud: 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath,” tells Bolde: ” Falling in love too quickly may be an indication that you are being intentionally seduced. Is your new beau calling or texting you constantly? Is he showering you with attention and affection? Is he already talking about happily ever after when you’ve just met? If you feel like you’re being swept off your feet in a whirlwind romance, slow down.”
Things become boring. All those calls, gifts, and compliments start to feel insincere — and boring, quite frankly. Wouldn’t you rather a guy really gets to know you before he gives you so much attention and makes it count so it actually means something? It’s like eating chocolate. You love chocolate, but too much makes you feel sick and not want to look at it for a long time.
Those future plans fade — fast. You’ve probably been told that if a guy sees you in his future, he’ll make plans ahead of time with you. That’s great, but if it’s May and he’s making plans for next year when you’ve only been going out for a while, that’s a worry. He’s getting ahead of himself and unlikely to maintain such enthusiasm long-term.
These kinds of guys are likely to ghost you. Guys who rush into relationships overwhelm you and then disappear, leaving you with lots of emotional baggage. You don’t want to be ghosted, and interestingly, it mostly happens with guys who come on too strong. It’s like they can’t deal with the level of commitment they’ve given you, so they run off. Cowards.
Too much effort is scary, not sexy. If a guy’s so willing to make you his world after a 2-hour coffee date, you should be frightened instead of flattered. He clearly has some issues brewing. It might not be desperation, but it could be something else, like a love of the chase. Whatever it is, get out.
He could be needy. A guy who claims to love you from early on are sometimes clingy more than interested. It can become too much too quickly. He takes advantage of your golden ear. He dumps his problems on you and then his attraction fizzles. Basically, a guy who comes on too strongly really makes you fear that he just wants you to be a second mother. No thanks.
Those “nice” guys can be too nice. We all love nice guys, but honestly, when they’re too nice — too polite, too available, too accommodating — you start to feel like they’re jerks in disguise. No one can be that nice all the time, and especially not to someone they’ve just met. If you give it a bit of time, the nice guys who are too nice will show their true colors — and they ain’t pretty.
Why some people end up falling in love too fast
While it takes most of us a while before we can truly say we’re in love with someone, there are people who are always falling in love too fast. Here’s why that happens.
They have emophilia. That’s the name for the condition of falling in love quickly and frequently. Also known as “emotional promiscuity,” people who have this condition are extremely eager to fall in love and find themselves experiencing this emotion often, according to Psychology Today. As strange as it sounds, this condition is way too common. In fact, you probably know more than one person who has it!
They struggle with loneliness. Maybe it’s not so much that they’re falling in love too fast as that they think being in a romantic relationship is the only way to quell their loneliness. They crave an intimate partnership and feel like when they have one, suddenly their lives will be complete and they’ll never feel alone again. Of course, this isn’t the case at all, but that doesn’t make this habit any easier to break.
They’re way too idealistic. How many of us have grown up with Disney movies and rom-coms as our representation of what love is like? It’s so screwed up because it’s led many of us to think that we’re going to see someone and know right off the bat that they’re The One for us, sometimes often without even speaking a word. We’ll be swept off our feet and live happily ever after, right? Wrong, of course, but given those unrealistic ideals we’ve all grown up with, can anybody blame people for feeling that way?
They don’t know what real love looks like. Is it possible that people with emophilia aren’t actually falling in love too fast? Maybe it’s that they don’t actually know what love looks like? Love isn’t obsession, it’s not lust, it’s not panicked desire and need. Real love is a whole lot more relaxed. It’s a feeling of comfort, of finally coming home. It’s likely that people who are constantly basically planning their wedding to a near-stranger really don’t get how they’re feeling, anyway.
They have serious FOMO. If it feels like everyone around you is getting into relationships. They’re all moving in together, getting married, and having kids. So, what happens if you’re left behind? You start to feel like you’re missing out on something and you try to rush the process so you can “catch up” with some invisible timeline that doesn’t really exist. Many people end up falling in love too fast because they feel like it’s the only way they can keep up with what they feel like everyone else is doing. The problem is that these relationships never last and they only end up making those who get into them more miserable in the end.
Can a guy who claims to head over heels ever be trusted?
There’s no definitive answer to this, unfortunately. Your intuition will likely warn you of any red flags, of course. However, it’s also important to pay close attention to his behavior. That will tell you everything you need to know.
“It’s important to remember that trust is built over a period of time. There are a few key things to look for that can help you make a decision. One is whether they keep their promises. If they say they’re going to do something, do they follow through?” Pfifer advises. “Another is whether they’re honest with you. Do they tell you the truth, even when it’s not what you want to hear? Finally, do they respect your boundaries? If they’re always trying to push you to do things you’re not comfortable with, that’s a red flag. If you can’t answer yes to all of these questions, it’s probably best to steer clear of that person.”