The 17 Worst Times to Get Your Period

Okay, so the only really good time to get your period is after you had that unprotected sex with “that guy” from “that place”. Any other time blows, but some are worse than others – especially when you’re not prepared. After all, your period probably has a mind of its own from time to time and doesn’t always come when you’re expecting it. Here are the 17 worst times to get your period:

  1. Before or during sex. Nothing kills the mood faster than turning your bed into a crime scene. Oh, and cramps.
  2. At the pool. Going to the pool can be daunting even when you were already on your period (trying to keep those pesky strings from peeking out) but having an unexpected trail of blood follow you through the water is so much worse.
  3. At a festival. Massive crowds + long lines + porta-potties + heavy flow = worst nightmare. Porta potties are the worst thing ever, even when you just have to pee. You never want to be that girl who left the tampon floating.
  4. After a one night stand. So you basically just destroyed some guy’s sheets that you barely know…looks like you won’t be seeing him again any time soon.
  5. While exercising. It’s hard enough to keep up with the Zumba instructor without having to worry if you’re spotting everywhere, or god forbid, slipping in your own blood.
  6. While going commando. Things are so much more freeing when you go sans underwear… that is, until you become prisoner to your own monthly hell with Mother Nature.
  7. In a meeting. In your male dominated office no one seems to understand the need for bathroom breaks, or Midol breaks, and especially not heating pad breaks.
  8. On vacation. Guess all those things like paddle boarding, surfing, and zip-lining will have to stay on your bucket list until the next time you don’t feel like murdering someone.
  9. On your birthday. Especially if it’s the only gift you got. This is the one day of the year that is supposed to be all about you, now it’s all about bloating and crying over cheesy commercials.
  10. At a job interview. Because getting the third degree wasn’t stressful enough, now you need to worry about staining the furniture and waking up on time since all that blood loss makes you fatigued.
  11. On a plane. Sure, there’s a bathroom but it’s not exactly desirable…and either is squeezing past the two people next to you to get there.
  12. Stuck in traffic. Nothing like having to sit in your own puddle for an undetermined amount of time. Not to mention the PMS rage that seems to make you even more impatient.
  13. Your wedding day. You’ve successfully avoided wearing white clothes most of your life for this very reason, so of course this would happen to you.
  14. When you’re actually trying to get pregnant. You’ve spent your entire life trying not to get pregnant, but now that you actually want to be, you-know-who showed up.
  15. Whenever there’s a dog around. Unless, of course, you like having your crotch sniffed in public.
  16. Anytime you don’t have a tampon handy. Which is basically every time you actually need one. When you don’t need them, they’re stockpiled in your purse unwrapping themselves. Looks like you will be walking around with toilet paper wads in your underwear again.
  17. Anytime. Because let’s be honest, there’s never a good time to get your period.
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.