18 Things That Feel Better Than Sex

Some would say that bad sex is still better than no sex, but I disagree — having a less than satisfying experience between the sheets is a waste of time and energy I’d rather not bother with. Plus, there are plenty of things that are more enjoyable than a mediocre roll in the hay.

  1. Getting a raise and/or promotionVery few things feel as good as achieving the goals you’ve set out for yourself. Being recognized by the boss for all of your hard work (especially in a still male-dominated workforce) is pretty amazing.
  2. The first electrifying kiss with someone new. Those butterflies you get when you really like someone and are about to get physical in a PG kind of way cannot be duplicated. Anticipating all of the things that kiss could lead to later is often better than the real thing.
  3. Falling in love. That feeling you get when you realize you’ve met someone who totally gets you and you aren’t going to spend the rest of your life alone? Yeah, that’s pretty amazing — not to mention the act of falling in love is usually accompanied by lots and lots of sex.
  4. A good massage. Sometimes you just want to lay there and let someone else do all of the work. You don’t have to touch them or even make eye contact. Bonus points if the masseuse is hot (and in my experience, they usually are). Double bonus if he has an accent.
  5. The rush you get after a kick ass workout. Sex isn’t the only activity that can make your legs wobbly. Sure, it might be hard to walk, but you feel accomplished and confident when you stay focused on your fitness.
  6. Fitting into your skinny jeans. Because all of those great feelings you had after every intense workout has all lead up to this point. This is your climax!
  7. A nice, warm bubble bath. Because when you never get any time to yourself, a relaxing bath for one can sound much more appealing than a steamy shower for two. Bonus points if your tub has jets.
  8. Champagne. The other kind of bubbles you want to submerge yourself in, because like sex, alcohol releases a bunch of feel good chemicals in your body.
  9. High quality sheets. The feel of freshly shaved legs against newly washed Egyptian cotton sheets right out of the dryer is orgasmic all by itself. No men, hands, or vibrators needed.
  10. Sleeping in. When you’ve worked hard all week ,nothing is more satisfying than waking up to an alarm not blaring in your ears. Sometimes when you say you want to spend the whole weekend in bed, it really is just about the bed.
  11. Receiving a text you’ve been waiting for. When you have (not so patiently) been waiting for that hotline bling and it finally comes through, it’s blissful. You’re going to get the goods later but the moment you realize that can be just fulfilling.
  12. Greasy food when you’re hungover. If you’re hungover, the last thing you’re probably thinking about is sex… unless it’s making love to a supersized order of fries.
  13. When your favorite song comes on the radio. You start belting out the lyrics and dancing with your steering wheel like none of the other cars are watching you. You give zero f*cks — you’re jamming!
  14. Getting some bargains during a big sale. You know you get a major lady hard-on when you open up your email to find out that stuff that’s been on your wishlist for ages is now on sale. You really getting your rocks off if it also happens to be payday!
  15. Running into your ex who’s prematurely balding. But only if you’re fitting into your skinny jeans —otherwise, you have a blue balls situation on your hands.
  16. Pictures of Adam LevineUnless your name is Behati Prinsloo and you get to have sex with Adam Levine, then that is most definitely better.
  17. Puppies. Sure, they might have stinky breath and be hairier than your boyfriend, but they’re definitely cuter and their cuddle game is strong.
  18. Masturbating. Duh, you always get you off. Random drunk guys from Tinder, not so much.
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.