Ah, the biological clock. Such a bitch. But what if we weren’t the ones whose fertility declined over the years… What if, instead, men’s sperm started to run dry as they hit their late 30s while our eggs remained viable well into our 40s, 50s and even beyond?
Oh, what a world it would be. Instead of us obsessing over finding and keeping Mr. Right, they’d be the ones freaking out, doing everything they can to settle down. Here are some things that men would probably do differently:
1. They would call.
2. Foreplay would last forever.
3. Manscaping would be a billion dollar industry.
4. Modern Groom would be a real magazine.
5. They’d be the ones asking, “Where is this going?”
6. We wouldn’t have to change our last names.
7. Penis implants and hair transplants would be mad popular.
8. They’d ask questions like, “Does this hoodie make me look fat?”
9. They’d be more interested in us, not just hooking up with us.
10. They’d wonder “Where are all the good women?”
11. They’d have their wedding tux picked out even before they meet the girl.
12. They’d spend hours on the phone with their friends trying to figure out, “Is she into me?”
13. Viagra commercials would make them cry.
14. They’d be far more willing to settle.
15. Gerber would advertise on Monday Night Football.
16. Denial would be a thing men engage in.
17. They’d never take us for granted.
18. All the money spent on football and war would be spent on figuring out how to extend their fertility.
And women — here’s how things would be different for us:
1. We’d run the world.
2. Our tolerance for BS’ing guys would be zero.
3. Boob jobs and botox wouldn’t exist.
4. A good man wouldn’t be so hard to find.