There’s no shortage of cliché love advice out there, but no matter how often I hear it, I never seem to actually listen to it. Because of that, I’ve made some terrible decisions in love and have had to learn some pretty harsh lessons the hard way. Here are 8 of them — maybe you can learn from my mistakes:
- Expecting good and regular communication doesn’t mean I’m needy. Literally the most important tenet of a strong and healthy relationship is good communication. That means not only being upfront and honest about your feelings and hashing out your issues but also actually being in touch regularly about the little stuff. I need a guy who doesn’t think it’s totally cool to go days without as much as a text — what kind of a relationship is that? Having my needs met is not the same as being needy, and wanting to speak to the boy that I call my boyfriend is not a shocking expectation.
- Independence is non-negotiable. There’s a difference between choosing to prioritize a person and being at their beck and call. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, mostly because you only learn it after the relationship is over and you realize that your life was entirely dependent on the other person. If you lose yourself and the life you had before a guy, once he’s gone, you’re more lost than ever. Now, I only prioritize guys who are worth it — and I make sure to keep my independence and sense of self outside of our relationship.
- Being angry or hurt doesn’t mean I’m mad. “Mad” is one of those belittling words used by narcissists and sociopaths to gaslight their partners and make sure you keep questioning your emotions and whether you actually have a reason to feel the way you do. In a healthy relationship, emotions can be expressed in a loving and kind way — even the not-so-good ones, and even if your partner doesn’t necessarily understand or agree with those feelings. Any guy who’s worth your while should want to know how your feeling and do whatever he can to help. I won’t waste any more time on guys who don’t.
- “I Don’t Want A Relationship” Means “I Don’t Want To Be In A Relationship With You.” This might not always be the case, but generally speaking, it’s true. Every time I’ve been in this situation, the guy who just wanted to “keep it casual” was totally fine settling down with a girl he met after me, and that’s BS. It’s not that he didn’t want a relationship, it’s that I wasn’t enough for him to sacrifice the perks of being single. That might be a hard truth to swallow, but it’s often a necessary one.
- Closure isn’t always possible — nor is it necessary. Closure is a pretty big concept when it comes to breakups, but it’s not always a real possibility. Real life isn’t like the movies and moving on sometimes comes without closure. The bottom line is that while you might think you’re owed an explanation for what went wrong, you won’t always get one so you’ll have to move on without it. Sometimes moving on simply means deleting messages, numbers and blocking exes on every possible social media in existence — even LinkedIn.
- When They Tell You Who They Are, Listen To Them. I’ve had exes say that they’re totally aware that they’re selfish, pessimistic douchebags… and yet somehow when they completely ignore me, crap all over my dreams and are completely awful in every possible way, I’m still surprised. People often tell you who they are very early on in a relationship, not just in their actions but what they say. Now, I listen to them rather than waste any more of my time.
- Words Mean Nothing — it’s actions that count. It’s become too easy these days to spew out empty words and promises when you have zero intention of actually backing those words up with real action. Words are nice and all, but until their behaviour follows suit, I’ve stopped believing what guys say about how they feel about me and what they want out of the relationship. In doing this, I’ve realized that the guys who make effort are the ones that won’t leave you with broken promises and broken hearts — at least not purposely.
- Boundaries are necessary and important. Boundaries are different to walls. Putting walls up will lead to mistrust in a relationship, but boundaries lead to healthier communication. Put simply, boundaries are telling your partner what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, I insist on having my boundaries respected now. If I’d communicated and enforced them when they were broken, I would’ve saved myself a world of pain.
