Once in a while, you look back on your last breakup and realize it really was you, not him. You can’t be the good guy every time. Sometimes when you figure this out, it really screws you up. This is what you go through:
You feel like a loser.
Maybe you blamed him for everything, either overtly or in your head. Now that you see the truth, you see that you’ve been a loser twice over – once for screwing up in the first place and then again for putting it all on him.
You’re full of regret.
Not only do you feel horrible about letting him take the fall for your crappy behavior, you now have to accept responsibility for everything you did to ruin the relationship. It’s awful having regrets. You’ll wish that you never screwed up in the first place so that you wouldn’t have to deal with this now.
You’re desperate to fix it.
Now that you know what you’ve done, you feel the need to make amends. Of course, it’s probably too late at this point. He’s well aware that you hurt him and most likely not in the mood to forgive. You’d do anything to fix it, but you can’t.
You hate yourself for being so self-righteous.
Ouch. You have to take back all the mean crap you said – or at least some of it. Why why why did you behave like such an ass? Now it’s coming back to haunt you. If only you’d been more reasonable – but everyone makes mistakes. Too late now.
You try to prove to him that you’ve changed.
Ah, here we go. Now that you’ve realized the error of your ways and atoned appropriately, you set out to show your lost love just how different you are. Proving yourself becomes an obsession. He needs to know that you aren’t that crappy person, not really. Why, exactly, does he need to know this?
You try to get him back.
But of course. He needs to know how much you’ve improved because otherwise he’ll never give you another chance. You desperately want one now that you know this breakup was partially, or mostly, your doing. You’re missing him and your life together horribly. Maybe if you’re a model human being and he misses you too, he’ll forgive your errors.
You become very, very sad and disappointed in yourself.
He won’t take you back. Without that last hope, you’re left alone with your guilt, sadness, and memories. You need to take time to heal, change, get over it and forgive yourself. You don’t want to do it. You’d rather wallow in misery and self-hatred. It’s easier to blame yourself.
You replay the past over and over again.
You can’t change it, but you torture yourself thinking about what you could’ve done differently. Why the hell did you do that? Say that instead of something else? Take this, that, and the other thing for granted? You lie awake at night worrying about past events. It’s no longer in your control, but you can’t let it go.
You obsess over whether it might’ve worked if you’d changed sooner.
Again, the what-ifs take over your life even though they aren’t relevant. You blame yourself for everything now, even if it wasn’t all your fault. You think that if you’d turned over your new leaf before the breakup, everything would be different. You beat yourself up over and over again.
You hate yourself for hurting the person you love the most.
This is the hardest pill of all to swallow. You loved him, and you broke his heart. We’re all human, and everyone makes mistakes. You just wish it hadn’t been you, and you wish you hadn’t done it to him. It would make your life now much better if you didn’t go through your days remembering, regretting, and wishing for a second chance.
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