There are many reasons we might look back at our time with an ex and look at it with rose-tinted eyes. However, there can be a lot of value in looking back at those relationships. They’re not all just examples of backsliding, and if you really want to give things another go, then you deserve to really go into it with a clear head. Here’s how to convince your ex to get back together with you in a healthy way.
- Take a minute to reflect. First of all, don’t rush into things or promise something you can’t deliver. Make sure that you know what you’re getting into. Be sure to look at where you are in life, in your career, and emotionally. You might think that you’re ready for a new relationship in one respect, but when you look at it from a holistic perspective, it’s less clear. You don’t need to convince yourself to stay single forever, but make sure you know what your expectations are going in. If you don’t know what you want, why are you pursuing a relationship with your ex at all? In your head, does it represent a safe way of getting attention? Surely this person can’t hurt you in a new way, you might think to yourself. Think again. Give them space and let them come to you.
- Demonstrate growth. When you prepare what you want to say and how you want to say it, think about ways that you can show that you’re in a better place. Not only that, demonstrate that you’ll be more compatible and suitable for each other this time around. Yes, extroverts often complement introverts, but people who need space shouldn’t be making a habit of falling in with people who hate feeling ignored. It will only end in heartbreak. Are they the same person they were when you broke up? Are you?
- Look into the past. The past and your memories will be useful resources in this instance. Look into ways that you screwed up in the past. How have you addressed them, and how will you prevent them from happening again. Have you got material ways to reassure them – and yourself that this time will be different. Also, make sure that you’re over whatever happened before. If they cheated, know that they never change their spots. If you can’t get over each other’s hurt, then you might be better off stopping before you start. You will never escape that resentment if you get back with your ex.
- Consider your future. Ask yourself some important questions. What will your future look like? How will your relationship be different and serve you in better ways this time? Why are you more focused on the past, failed relationships over the possibility of meeting someone new? Is that dormant insecurity and wanting to hang onto the past or a fear of the future? Tap into your true feelings.
- Talk to your ex. It might be that they’re thinking similar things. Or, maybe they’ve moved on entirely and you’re not even on their radar. That is a hard conversation to have, but you have to be willing to have it nonetheless. To convince your ex to reunite, you shouldn’t be convincing them at all. You should just fundamentally believe that you’re the best thing for them. If not, don’t bother.
- Talk to your friends. See if they have any useful intel or perspectives from the outside about your relationships present and past. If they think it’s a good idea, roll with it. But if they have big reservations, hear them out. They might just be being over-protective, but they will have your best interests at heart.
- Be honest. This isn’t the time to bullshit or beat around the bush. Tell them clearly and in no uncertain terms why you still love them. Tell them about all the ways you will work. Make sure you think about your shared dreams and goals and be honest and vulnerable. That’s the way you will generate a healthy relationship where you can grow together. Avoid the relationship anxiety of the past.
- Commit to better communication. If you were both bad communicators in your previous relationships, think about ways that you can start afresh. That’s how you can convince them to get back together – by precisely the opposite action. So, act as if you’re meeting for the first time, and commit to letting go of your attachment to the past. That will ensure that you’re doing this for the person, not the nostalgic memories.
Why you should think twice before you try to convince your ex to get back with you
As tempting as it is to retread old territory or as much as you’ve convinced yourself that this time, things will work, you might want to think again.
- Things ended for a reason. Why did your relationship end? Whether it was for a major transgression like cheating or something less nefarious such as a general lack of compatibility, you broke up because things just weren’t working. What makes you think that things will be different this time?
- Neither of you could have changed that much. You might think that because you’ve changed a bit or simply lived a bit more since your relationship ended that this time around, it will work. However, unless both of you have had a complete and total lifestyle and personality transplants — and if you have, neither of you will be the person the other fell for to begin with — then the same issues will continue to crop up. Don’t fool yourself.
- One of you will have to compromise something major. In order to have a successful relationship this time around, one or both of you will have to compromise something important to your life or who you are to eliminate the issue that caused you to break up last time. For instance, say that your ex hated that you worked so much because you were working to climb the ladder in your career. You might feel that if you convince your ex to get back with you, you’ll have to give up on your professional dreams to make them happy. This will never work and will only lead to resentment.
- You’re selling yourself short. While you’re busy going back to your ex, you could be missing out on someone who’s way more compatible with you and with whom you haven’t already given things a go. You’re wasting time retreading old territory when you should be exploring something new.
- You might end up even more heartbroken this time. It really hurt when you broke up the first time, but how much worse do you think it will be the second time around? You’ll have gotten your hopes so high up that when it all comes crashing down, you’ll be left feeling devastated and alone. Don’t do it to yourself.
