Insecurity is a dangerous thing, especially when it interferes in an otherwise healthy relationship. A year ago, I undervalued myself so horribly that I convinced myself my boyfriend didn’t want me and made every effort to make him feel the same. Unfortunately, it worked.
I didn’t trust him when he said he loved me. No matter how many times my boyfriend told me he loved me, it just wasn’t enough. I was so insecure that no amount of affirmation could have convinced me that he truly wanted me. In hindsight, it’s clear that his feelings for me were very real, but I was so terrified of having my heart broken that I ignored the signs.
I ignored his actions because I was too busy convincing myself it wasn’t going to work out. Words mean nothing if they’re not backed up with actions, of course, but my boyfriend was just as attentive and loving in his actions as he was verbally. None of this got through to me either; I was so worried he was going to walk away from the relationship that I missed his actions entirely.
My relationship before him ended badly and I let it affect our relationship. I’d been in a relationship with a guy who took me for granted and tried to convince me that he was the best I could ever get, and when I finally started dating someone who was actually worthy of me, I couldn’t understand why such an amazing person would want me. I let the dysfunction of my former relationship dictate my approach to my next relationship and it drove us apart.
He didn’t understand why I was never satisfied. Over time, my boyfriend got confused and upset by the fact that he couldn’t seem to make me happy no matter how hard he tried. This drove a wedge between us, especially when I misinterpreted his feelings of inadequacy as a lack of interest.
I never let him in fully because I was afraid of getting hurt. After the damage of my previous relationship, I had a hard time opening up to anyone. I was worried that if I let someone know me completely, they’d be able to hurt me even worse when the relationship ended. But by holding him at arms’ length, I ensured that he would never be able to love me fully and that the relationship was doomed to be unfulfilling from the start.
He got frustrated for having to put in twice as much work as he should have. It wasn’t much of a surprise when he started to get impatient with the way the relationship was going. I’d deliberately pushed him away to see how committed he was and eventually pushed a little too hard to the point where he felt like I never noticed how much he loved me.
In the end, I’d rather lose him on my terms than get hurt when I wasn’t expecting it. I was so paranoid about being broken up with that I decided I’d rather be the one to dictate when the heartbreak would happen. I pushed him to the brink so that I could predict when our breakup would happen and be prepared for it.
I was so jealous of the girls he’d dated before me that I never stopped to consider that he’d chosen me. There are a million reasons you could come up with for why your partner might decide you’re not the perfect match for them, but if you simply acknowledge the fact that they’ve chosen to be with you, at this moment, indefinitely, your doubts should be so far in the background you can barely hear them. Jealousy makes you believe all kinds of lies and is almost guaranteed to ruin your relationship.
I decided that we were incompatible and that the relationship couldn’t go anywhere. I never gave the relationship a chance. I was too busy searching for the inconsistencies and potential divisions to pay attention to the things we had going for us. I focused all my attention on the negatives and in the end made them the only aspects of our relationship that mattered.
I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him, so I pushed him into breaking up with me. In the end, I didn’t have the guts to just tell him I wasn’t in a good place for a relationship. I was terrified of being dumped and wanted out of it before it could happen, so I did everything I could to convince him that we weren’t right together. The minute he ended things, I knew I’d made a mistake and now, a year later, I still wish I’d had the confidence to just be myself and let him love me like he wanted to.
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