Being emotionally invested in people is what makes us human, but if we’re doing it all the time and not getting the same in return, it starts to become unhealthy. Unfortunately, this is a pattern of behavior for me that I tend to get caught up in again and again…
I get way too attached way too quickly. I’m unable to live in the moment. I believe people are in my life for a reason and I want to keep them in it. Even if I try to be nonchalant, I immediately imagine the future with someone and the pros and cons. I have an unhealthy neediness and get attached too soon. One-night stand? Sure, but I’ll be analyzing all of their hopes and dreams by the morning.
I tend to seek the people I think I deserve. I’ve always seen myself as a little broken, so I’m seeking confident personalities. Unfortunately, just because they may exude a certain level of ego, that doesn’t mean they’re confident in their emotions—usually quite the opposite. I tend to look at partners through rose-colored glasses, ignoring their faults and always attempting to convince myself that maybe someday they’ll change.
I believe everyone is capable of being the person for me. I’ve always said I didn’t have a type, and that’s because I fall utterly in love with every and any guy that shows me attention for an extended period of time. I like to think this is not because I need the attention but because I’m fascinated with other people and want to help them showcase their best qualities. It’s hard to not fall in love when you’re always busy uncovering someone’s best self.
My emotions aren’t always logical. Attraction is a mysterious recipe for most of us and falling for unavailable guys is an easy thing to do. I’ve noticed that I tend to pick the most difficult people and consider it my challenge to make them open up to me. The truth is, emotionally unavailable people are just that—emotionally unavailable. The sooner I internalize and start living by that, the better.
Spending a day with them starts to suck up all of my energy. Seriously, they’re like vampires. As the relationship progresses, I suddenly realize that being in their presence for any extended period of time leaves me drained and exhausted. I care so much about their thoughts, desires, and feelings and put my heart and soul into getting to know them. I leave little room for self-care and deal with it day-to-day instead of asking, “What’s a matter with you?”
I start viewing the world from their perspective. The types of men I go for are usually pessimistic or possess a “screw it” attitude towards the world. They’re reckless, which leads to me becoming self-destructive. My needs and desires go out the window. I’ve always considered myself to be a strong woman, but I’ve noticed that these relationships cause my ideals to fall by the wayside. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I start to conform to what they believe. That’s not the woman I want to be.
It’s an easy way for me to avoid reality. Especially when the reality is less than ideal. I once read somewhere that it’s easy to believe that someone is right for you rather than accepting the reality that you’re not happy with your life. I think this might be true for me. If I’m busy fixing someone else—even if they don’t want to be fixed—I don’t have to worry about what’s going on in my own life. What a relief.
Still, I just can’t let it go. Even after establishing that I’m in a toxic relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, I can’t stop trying to fix it. Maybe I’m stubborn, or maybe I’m just that broken.
Eventually I begin to lose my mind and realize that I can’t make it work. It’s really hard for me to admit that there’s something wrong and call it quits, so usually that means they end it for me. I sulk about it for a little while and I tend to blame myself when things go wrong, even when I know the person I was with wasn’t right for me in the first place. I cry a lot. I listen to some sad music and cry some more. I ask myself over and over again why I continue to do this to myself.
Then it’s on to the next one. It never fails. But don’t worry, there’s an emotionally wounded, somewhat-of-an-a-hole-but-hot guy waiting just around the corner.
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