For some reason, nobody bothered to mention some seriously important ways my body would change as I get older. I wish I’d been given some kind of warning so I could have at least prepared myself for the onslaught of mother nature.
- Forget everything you ever knew about your body—it no longer applies. As soon as I hit 25, everything I took for granted about my body seemed to do a 180. It started with little things like an itchy blister. I’m very prone to blisters and always have been thanks to my obsession with beautiful but impractical shoes. They’re sore and bubble up and sometimes burst, but not once in my life before I turned 25 were they ever itchy. All of a sudden, every blister I get is as mind-numbingly itchy as a mosquito bite, driving me nuts on a daily basis. It’s a small thing, but that’s how it all starts.
- Your lady ‘stashe gets darker and thicker. I’ve always had very light, soft facial hair. My slight lady ‘stache was always easily removed with a smear of hair removal cream every few months without a problem. Lo and behold, the next change I noticed as I approached my thirties was thick, dark hair that’s started to appear on my upper lip! This is so much harder to remove, never mind the fact that it’s super obvious when I’m due a hair removal session. Couple this with my regular need for beard removal and my life now revolves around keeping my ever-growing facial hair in check.
- The way you gain and lose weight totally reverses. I’ve always considered myself lucky that no matter whether I gained or lost weight, my waist always stayed trim and defined. Weight was always distributed to my butt and my boobs and I loved it that way. Non plus! Now when I gain weight, it goes straight to my arms and my face and I hate it. Please make it stop—I want my old body back!
- Your gums start receding. I remember seeing lots of ads on TV when I was younger for receding gums and thinking that was an old person’s thing. Well, now I am that old person—and it’s happening sooner than I imagined. My teeth just seem to get bigger and bigger but it’s actually my gum line receding back. It totally makes me feel really sexy and confident… yeah, right.
- You’re that adult with the smelly coffee breath. Do you love coffee? Do you drink it religiously on a daily basis? Unless you’re popping half a dozen mints and brushing your teeth between every cup, you probably have coffee breath. Remember those teachers at school that would lean over your desk and all you would smell is stale coffee? Yeah, that’s you now. It’s a sobering thought.
- How about the fact that noses never stop growing? Apparently, noses and ears never stop growing throughout your entire life, and I feel like I can actually see my nose getting bigger on a daily basis. Every selfie I take now is scrutinized to death, ensuring I get the right angle so I don’t end up looking terrible. I was never self-conscious about my nose ever before and now it’s one of my main concerns. If it’s this big now, what size will it be in five years?
- Random bruises, cuts, and scars will appear all over your body. Most days I look like I’ve been in a war zone. Bruises and cuts seem to appear overnight and I have zero explanation for their existence. I also have multiple scars (small ones) on my legs and one under my nose, and none of them are the result of any deep cut or accident that resides in my memory. How did they get there? How did I manage to cut myself deep enough to cause a scar and not remember? Life is just one long extension of the movie Memento these days.
- The smell of your sweat changes fragrance. Even my sweat has changed as I get older. Aside from sweating so much more than I did when I was younger, the smell has actually changed too. Not really for better or worse—I mean, it’s sweat, it’s never going to smell like roses—but I find it really weird. I feel like the interior make-up of my body has changed so much that even my pores have given up the fight for a youthful body.
- Apparently vaginas turn grey?! I have it on very good word from older friends of mine that at some point, I’ll notice my vagina has adopted a greyish tinge and is no longer a fleshy pink. Oh great! I really hope that doesn’t happen at least for a couple of decades yet, but now I know it’s a possibility, at least I’m prepared!
