Boobs Are Great, But Our Relationship With Them Is Complicated

Everybody likes boobs. Boobs are sexy, they’re captivating, and they’re downright magic… most of the time. A woman’s relationship with her chest can be complicated and likely varies day-to-day. Despite generally looking and being awesome, there are certain things that happen to boob owners that cause a series of interesting thoughts.

  1. “They look good.” Today is a good boob day. The perfect outfit, plenty of sleep and a healthy dose of confidence work wonders. Nothing can ruin this magic for you. Nothing.
  2. “They look bad.” Is that sagging you detect already? You probably don’t want to know the answer. Quick, throw a bra on before your pride takes a dive into the Mariana Trench!
  3. “I hope my nipples aren’t showing through my shirt.” You’re wearing a new bra and you don’t trust its hard nipple concealing powers just yet. No one is staring at you, right? Now you’re obsessed and think everyone is staring at you.
  4. “Why are they sore?” Most of the time the soreness is explainable, but sometimes soreness smacks you in the tits out of nowhere. Did you sleep on them funny? Are your hormones ravaging your body like an angry mob? Who the hell knows?
  5. “Are they uneven?” You can stand in the mirror all day and drive yourself nuts trying to figure out if one boob hangs lower than the other by a millionth of an inch. It isn’t worth it. Slightly askew breasts are perfectly normal. Plus, their lopsided nature gives them character.
  6. “They look huge in this shirt.” A fitted shirt works wonders for boobs. When it hugs you in all the right places, your chest appears larger and quite frankly, that’s awesome. Nice shirts are the fairy godmothers of boobs.
  7. “My cleavage is rockin’ today.” This bra and shirt combination was an excellent choice. Now all you have to do is stop admiring your own reflection in every mirror you pass, you boob narcissist.
  8. “Did I seriously drop food down there again?” Mm, boob rice.
  9. “I wonder how noticeable the stretch marks are.” They’ve definitely faded since puberty, but you wonder how visible they are to your gentleman callers. You’re far from embarrassed about them, but still… they exist. And they might be mocking you.
  10. “My areolas look weird when it’s cold.” They shrink slightly and get all scrunchy and wrinkly. They could probably use some tiny hats for the winter months. Etsy, here we come!
  11. “I knock a lot of crap over with these things.” Boobs get in the way. It happens. Maybe if you got them insured you could stop worrying about breaking something expensive and important with them. That would be a fun call to the insurance company, wouldn’t it?
  12. “They look smaller today.” Even though you’re lugging some D-cups around, certain clothing, lighting, and postures somehow make them appear smaller than they were yesterday. You didn’t intend to do that. What is this boob sorcery?
  13. “These babies need some air.” After suffocating all day under several layers of clothing and a bra, boobs need to breathe. Changing at the end of the day and feeling fresh air on your bare skin is like crack for your chest. Unleash the titties!
  14. “Boob sweat can go to hell.” It may just kill you a little bit inside to even consider putting deodorant under your boobs. But, the awkward sweat stains on the front of your shirt are starting to develop minds of their own. This is the price you pay for owning a spectacular set of honkers.
Lauren Clark is a writer and news curator based in Denver, Colorado with bylines here on Bolde and at While she’s vehemently anti-social media, you can find her on LinkedIn.