My Boyfriend Confessed to Being A Sex Addict & I Can’t Move Past It

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and we’ve always had an amazing sex life. However, recently things have changed and I didn’t understand what was going on until he dropped a major bombshell on me: he’s a sex addict. Now I don’t know what to make of our relationship.

  1. It made me question our entire relationship. The second he told me about his little “issue,” my mind went into a tailspin. We’ve been together for about three years so what does this mean now? Was our whole relationship a lie? Am I just here to satisfy his chemical urges? I had so many questions and no answers.
  2. Is he only dating me so he can have regular sex? That was literally the first thought that came to mind. If sex is the most important thing to him, that means I could have been anyone really. If I wasn’t as sexual as I am, would he have dumped me a long time ago and just gone for a woman who’d put out? Addicts would do anything to satisfy their addiction, maybe even including tricking someone into a long-term relationship. I hope that’s not true, but you never know.
  3. Is he telling me this because he wants to break up soon? I wondered if his confession was the start of a long, elaborate plan to dump me. He could always use the excuse of being a sex addict to cheat on me or just to insist I’m better off with someone else so he’s free to move on to the next woman. He could have told me about his sex addiction at any time in our relationship, so why now, after three years? Not knowing sends me into a panic.
  4. Addiction can lead to other mental disorders. Hearing that my BF has a sex and love addiction is kind of a hard pill to swallow, especially since addiction is tightly linked to depression and borderline personality disorder. Should I be expecting crazy behavior down the road? Is this addiction going to get worse? Do I even want to be with someone where there’s a risk that he may not treat me very well depending on how his issue is being managed?
  5. Admittedly, I feel kind of used. It’s a very natural reaction to have, I think. I could tell he was really ashamed and upset about revealing his condition and I understand that it’s a disorder that’s out of his control, but I can’t help but feel used considering I’m the one who’s feeding his addiction. People who are addicted to love and sex always need to have their fix and that’s what I am to him. If it wasn’t me, it could easily be someone else.
  6. By saying yes to sex, am I making his addiction worse? I feel bad now because I’m technically making his addiction worse, right? If I say yes, I’m feeding into his addiction cycle, but if I say no, he might get annoyed or mad at me or even worse, go find someone else who’ll give it to him. Do you see why I’m not really OK with this?
  7. I’m hyper-aware that he might cheat on me. Ever since he dropped the sex addiction bomb on me, I’m constantly paranoid that he’s hiding a secret lover in the background. I mean, I can only assume he’ll do just about anything to get laid 24/7. I find myself questioning him more when he tells me where he was or who he was with. If he hasn’t cheated on me in the past three years, I’d be super surprised.
  8. If he does eventually cheat on me, he’ll blame it on his addiction. I can picture it now: he’ll sleep with someone else, I’ll find out about it, but then he’ll insist he can’t be blamed because he has a sex addiction. However, I feel like if you know you have a problem, you should be doing everything you can to fix it. The fact that he’s not just might end up tearing us apart.
  9. I wonder what else he’s hiding. If he’s only telling me about this now, what other big things hasn’t he shared? This is usually something you tell someone at least in the first six months of a relationship; the fact that he waited three years makes me think that he doesn’t want to get rid of this disorder and that he doesn’t trust me. Everything is different now and it sucks.
  10. I’m not attracted to him in the same way anymore. When he initiates sex, it doesn’t feel good. I feel guilty about it and I’m also kinda judging him for it. I get this feeling that it’s not coming from the right place, which is technically true. It’s NOT coming from the right place. Lovemaking isn’t enjoyable anymore and I just can’t shake it. How much longer can we really last?
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.