Can You Have A Relationship Without A Spark?

Not every relationship starts with a bang or spark, nor does it have to. If you’re not feeling crazy fireworks with the person you’ve just had a first date with, that doesn’t mean there isn’t potential there. Before you make a decision about seeing them again, here are some things to bear in mind.

  1. Some relationships are slow burners. It’s a total myth that you need to feel a crazy spark right away in order for there to be something worth pursuing with your date. What if your relationship is meant to grow slowly and cautiously instead of bursting out of the gate with a bang?
  2. There are more important things than a spark. Things like a strong emotional and mental connection can speak to something much deeper than a fleeting spark. If you’re looking for something long-lasting, the spark is the least of your concerns.
  3. Not having one doesn’t mean something’s off. If you had a great date with someone only to realize that there was no real spark, that doesn’t immediately write them off. Maybe there wasn’t room for the spark to take place, like if your date was holding back out of shyness. Basically, there are many reasons why chemistry can take a bit to show itself, but sometimes that’s actually a good thing!
  4. Without a spark, you can focus on what’s there. Sometimes a spark can totally overwhelm a date. You’re so focused on the sparks that are flying that you don’t even really pay attention to what’s underneath them. If you remove all that, you can free yourself up to noticing all those other things as well as spotting crucial red flags, like someone who’s only interested in having a fling.
  5. You should give them a chance. If you don’t have much of a spark right away, that should be something you put at the back of your mind (for now). Give the person a chance by going out with them at least once more to see how you feel around them, provided that you had a good date with them. If your lack of a spark means that there’s simply no physical attraction and that’s important to you, then that will be something to think about. For now, don’t get ahead of yourself.
  6. You might have a spark or nothing at all. Bear in mind sometimes it can happen that you feel a magical spark with someone only to realize that you’ve got nothing else. It’s just a physical connection, that’s it. Boring!
  7. Friendship can be an amazing relationship foundation. If you’ve ever experienced a friendship blossoming into romance, you’ll know that a spark isn’t always necessary to get a relationship going. In fact, having a friendship as a solid foundation for something greater could make that bond even stronger.
  8. Those massive sparks don’t tend to last. You know when you have major fireworks with someone so you’re ripping each other’s clothes off by the end of the date or you suddenly find yourself in a whirlwind romance? Yeah, they call it a whirlwind for a reason: it doesn’t last.
  9. Maybe no spark will help you mix it up. If you’re not feeling a spark with someone but you’ve always felt it with the types of guys or women you used to date, then maybe it’s really showing you that you’ve changed your type. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, especially if those hot and heavy relationship starters in the past never amounted to anything.
  10. There are many different ways to start a relationship. A spark is hyped up to be the best one, but that’s not necessarily the case and it’s certainly not the only way to get a romance going. It’s certainly not the only way to start building a foundation for a happy LTR, so stop giving it so much weight.
  11. So how long should you wait? If you’re holding out for the spark to come find you, make sure you don’t waste too much time on it. Maybe it just was never going to come along. What you need to do is figure out if not having a spark really is such a deal-breaker for you or if there’s such an amazing love story at play that you can do without it.
  12. You could also do the kiss test. If you’ve given the person another chance so that you can see, in hopefully a more relaxed setting, if there’s something between you or not but you still don’t feel the urge to kiss them or hold their hand, that’s a red flag. You not only don’t have a spark, you’re not attracted to them. They might be perfect on paper but not so much in person. Hey, at least you tried.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.