If you had a rough childhood, you did what you needed to do at the time to survive. While these coping mechanisms got you through your darkest days, as an adult, they’re no longer serving you or could be destructive. Here are some coping mechanisms you might have picked up when you were younger and should consider unlearning if you want to be happier and healthier.
1. Self-harm
Many people believe self-harm only refers to cutting. However, it actually refers to any behaviors that intentionally cause harm. This includes hitting yourself, burning yourself, binge eating, starving yourself, and more. You might have started to hit yourself or pull your hair as a child and gradually escalated your behavior as you got older. It might provide temporary relief, but it’s not a solution.
2. Procrastination
If you procrastinate, you probably feel like you have no self-discipline. It usually stems from perfectionism making the task too daunting or feeling like it will somehow get easier if you work on it later. Either way, if you feel anxious approaching something you need to do, while you might feel better in the moment by putting it off, you’ll feel worse later.
3. People-Pleasing
If you had a tough childhood, you might have felt like you needed to be agreeable at all times to keep the peace. As an adult, you still find yourself people-pleasing because you can’t stand the thought of being “difficult” or letting people down. People pleasers are more likely to be taken advantage of and are more prone to burnout. It’s time to learn how to say no.
4. Maladaptive Daydreaming
Most people, especially children, daydream. It only becomes a problem when that daydreaming becomes maladaptive. This means daydreaming to an excessive extent where it disrupts your daily life. Maybe you have a fully fleshed-out life in your own head that you spend as much time as possible in because it’s better than reality. This may have brought you comfort as a child, but as an adult, it prevents you from addressing the problem.
5. Co-dependence
Co-dependent relationships are unbalanced dynamics where one person might need a person more or enable another person. Maybe you find yourself too reliant on partners or overlook their bad habits because you can’t stand the thought of being alone. This kind of relationship will never be healthy.
6. Rumination
Rumination is a harmful coping mechanism where you go over the same thing again and again in your mind. Perhaps you come from social interaction and can’t stop examining your behavior for mistakes or are awake at night thinking about awkward moments that happened years ago. It never solves anything, it just makes you feel worse.
7. Numbing Your Emotions
Emotional numbing is usually in response to stress and trauma and entails not being able to feel a full range of emotions. It’s usually not something you can consciously do, as it’s your brain’s way of protecting you. While it might serve you in the moment, you need to process things eventually.
8. Looking For An Escape
Escapism is another coping mechanism that might have made you feel better in the moment by distracting yourself. It can include playing video games, watching TV, or scrolling on social media for hours. In some cases, escapism can be beneficial, within reason. It becomes a problem when you allow resolvable issues to pile up in your life without addressing them.
9. Overworking
If you felt like you had to earn love as a child, you probably overworked yourself in school trying to get the best grades. As an adult, you still find yourself overworking in the hopes of getting praise from your manager. You might also overwork yourself because you want to be too busy to think about your problems. We should always try our best, but doing our best doesn’t mean sacrificing our well-being. This is a one-way street to burnout.
10. Perfectionism
If you were made to feel like you weren’t good enough as a child, you might have tried to compensate by being a perfectionist. You still feel like you need to be the smartest or most talented person in the room or you’re worthless. Being driven is great, but beating yourself up and feeling like nothing you do is good enough isn’t.
11. Denial
A lot of people who had traumatic childhoods will maintain to themselves and others that it wasn’t that bad. While you might not have been able to cope with your trauma at the time, you never will if you continue to downplay it.
12. Addiction
Addiction is one of the most talked about coping mechanisms, whether the vice of choice is alcohol, drugs, or something else. You might not have been taking illicit substances as a child, you could have tried to fill a void with food or sugar. While you might feel better in the moment, addiction can lead to even more issues in the long run.
13. Self-Deprecating Humor
If you were belittled as a child you might have begun using self-deprecating humor in an attempt to take some power back. So, if someone regularly insulted your intelligence, you might joke to new people that you meet that you’re stupid as a way to beat them to it (even though they likely don’t think that). While you might convince yourself you’re only joking, it’s very easy to start believing these narratives. You might have already noticed that you get a pit in your stomach whenever you make a remark like that. There’s nothing wrong with having a sense of humor and being able to laugh at yourself, but you shouldn’t regularly make yourself the butt of the joke. It’s time to start thinking and speaking more positively about yourself.
14. Isolation
There’s nothing wrong with needing some time alone, but people who self-isolate completely shut themselves off from everyone when they’re struggling. You might not want to burden others with your problems or don’t know how to ask for help. While isolation can be beneficial in some cases, the loneliness that comes with overdoing it will make you feel worse.
15. Aggression
You might have coped with poor treatment as a child by lashing out at other people to prevent them from hurting you too. Now as an adult, you’re quick to anger and don’t know how to manage your emotions. Not only is this bad for your own well-being, but hurts other people too.
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