You might be nice to everyone you meet and treat your loved ones with respect, but if you’re the person people always run to when they need something, you might be a people pleaser. The problem? Your niceness and generosity is likely causing you to neglect yourself. Here’s how to up your self-respect to make sure your own needs are being met too.
1. Think about the needs you’ve been neglecting.
If you’ve been so focused on what other people need from you, you could be blocking out what you need from your relationships. Take some time to think about your needs and what you’ve been missing. It’s possible that you’re not even aware of what you want or require because you’ve never given yourself time to think about it, let alone ask for it!
2. Ask yourself, “What’s my motive for trying to make everyone else happy?”
It’s good to figure out your motives for desperately trying to please everyone else all the time. Are you looking for their approval? Does helping others make you feel good? Are you trying to avoid conflict? You can’t start to address the issue until you know what the issue is.
3. Think about what resources you’re giving so much of.
Do you give so much of your time to others that you have no time for yourself? Or, do you give so much energy, by listening to people’s problems or trying to solve them, that you’re left feeling completely drained? Be more aware of what resources you’re handing to others instead of yourself.
4. Set some boundaries.
You need healthy boundaries to save your resources. Examples of boundaries include saying “no” to things that make you feel uncomfortable or stressed out because you’re giving too much of yourself. So, you could decide that you won’t give people money anymore or you won’t spend hours on the phone when you’re tired.
5. Challenge what others think of you.
You might be people-pleasing so much because you’re overly worried about what other people think of you. You want to please everyone around you so they see you as worthy of their approval, but you can’t dedicate your life to making other people happy at the expense of your own happiness. What you think about yourself matters more!
6. Remember your self-worth.
Your self-worth doesn’t depend on what other people think of you. You don’t have to do things for other people to keep them happy and in your life, either — you should be valued for who you are. If people are only with you for what you can do for them, they’re users.
7. Practice saying “no.”
To start putting your boundaries in place, say “no” to people’s requests. Start small if this is difficult, like turning down doing small favors that you wouldn’t normally think much of. It might feel weird at first, but with time and practice, it’ll get easier.
8. Stop apologizing.
When saying “no,” you can explain why you’re doing so, but don’t get into the habit of apologizing so much. Speak with confidence so you don’t give people the impression that if they push you a little, you’ll cave and do what they want.
9. Set aside time to do what you want.
During this process of getting rid of your people-pleasing tendencies, it’s good to set aside some time every week purely for yourself. Be alone with your thoughts, do things that make you happy, and reflect on what you want. No one’s allowed to interrupt this time, so put your phone away!
10. Boost your self-esteem.
Sometimes having low self-esteem can be what’s triggering your people-pleasing response. You don’t have a grasp on your self-worth so you go out of your way to find it by seeking external validation by doing everything for everyone all the time. Find ways to boost your self-esteem, such as by thinking about what makes you valuable and surrounding yourself with people who respect you.
11. Think about what you want out of your life.
It’s easier to respect your own boundaries when they’re part of a bigger plan for your life. Take some time to think about what you want, whether in terms of the types of relationships or goals you want to achieve.
12. Tune out the world and tune into your intuition.
Listen to your gut when you’re asked to do something for a friend or family member. Do you feel like doing it, or does the request make you anxious? Let your intuition guide you to saying “yes” or “no.” If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it!
13. Be firm about your boundaries.
People around you might take some time to get used to your boundaries, especially if you never had any before. But, by being consistent, you’ll make the transition easier. People who respect you will respect your boundaries. If they’re manipulators, they’ll try step over them. Show them the door.
14. Be kind to yourself.
It’s not easy to start setting boundaries so people don’t walk all over you anymore, so be kind to yourself! Treat yourself with compassion and respect. Most importantly, don’t cave to other people’s demands. Now that you know how to stop pleasing other people so much, you can do what’s right for you.
15. Stick to a mantra.
Having a mantra gives you greater emotional control. You can recite one to yourself when you’re choosing your needs over others’ as it’ll help you to stick to your goals and remember your priorities. Examples of mantras include “Not my circus, not my monkeys” or “No is a complete sentence.”
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