Life has its ups and downs, and that includes the way we think about ourselves and the things we’re going through. Destructive thinking is the opposite of constructive–it holds us back, makes us feel worse than we did before, and warps our perspective to the point that we lose confidence in ourselves. Unfortunately, it can also become a pattern that is hard to break. But it is possible to stop your destructive thoughts and start being kinder to yourself. The first step is recognizing some of these common destructive thoughts.
1. “I Made A Mistake… Might As Well Give Up.”
Most things in life are a learning experience, and that means you’re going to make mistakes sometimes. While it’s natural for you to briefly think you’re not good enough or you should just give up, if you don’t pick yourself and try again, you’ll never get anywhere. Don’t let a moment of self-doubt grow into something that lingers and holds you back from trying in the future. As CNBC points out, it’s important to learn from your mistakes without self-punishment if you want to make progress.
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2. “This Always Happens to Me.”
Casting yourself as the victim of everything that can go wrong in life is like telling yourself that you have no control over what happens to you. If you genuinely believe this, then you’ll have no motivation to make any effort towards changes that could improve your circumstances. Eventually, this thinking becomes a vicious cycle because when you expect negativity, that’s what you’ll attract.
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3. “They Must Hate Me.”
Who hasn’t worried that people don’t like them? It’s a common thought pattern for people with social anxiety because they tend to read into every little comment, facial expression and prolonged silence and assign meaning to it that doesn’t exist. If you have this thought often, try to remember that most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to spend energy disliking you for no reason.
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4.” This One Negative Outweighs All The Positive.”
Have you ever gotten a bunch of feedback, some good, some not so good, and all you could think about was the bad stuff? That’s called mental filtering. Instead of seeing constructive criticism as an opportunity to improve, you dwell on how you’ve failed or done something wrong. Both negative and positive outcomes can be useful in their own way–it’s all about perspective.
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5. “I’ll Never Be Good Enough.”
Feeling worthy and capable is important, and sometimes things happen to shake your confidence. When you start to think you’ll never be able to live up to expectations, it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy where you give up and stop trying. It’s normal to have this thought once in a while, but remember that your opinion of yourself is more important than anyone else’s. Start by believing you ARE good enough.
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6. “I Can’t Do That.”
If you think you can’t do something before you even start, then you’ll probably talk yourself out of trying at all. There’s a big difference between not wanting to do something (completely valid) and immediately believing you can’t. Trying new things can be a huge confidence booster, and you never know for sure unless you try, right?
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7. “If I Think It, It Will Come True.”
Intrusive thoughts about bad things happening are common for people with anxiety. The “manifestation” trend, usually meant to help you attract the things you want (which might actually work, per Psychology Today), can also take a turn and make you think your mind is capable of causing bad things to happen, which can (understandably) cause premature guilt or fear. Try to combat this by keeping your thoughts about the future as positive as you can–there’s no point in worrying about something that may never happen.
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8. “I Should/Shouldn’t Have…”
Regret is inevitable sometimes, but it also isn’t the most productive. It’s totally normal to look back and feel like you should have done things differently, but instead of dwelling on the past, take that experience and keep it in mind for the future. Mistakes can be a good thing when they teach you something.
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9. “I’m An Idiot.”
Putting yourself down, calling yourself names, berating yourself for making a mistake–none of it will do you any good. All it does is erode your confidence and make you feel like you’re not good enough. Your opinion of yourself is arguably the most important one–so make a point to be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.
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10. “This is All My Fault.”
It may be true sometimes that your mistakes lead to consequences that could have been avoided. At the same time, dwelling on it won’t change anything. Instead, own your actions, make an effort to understand what went wrong, and have a plan for doing better next time. Approach every mistake with the mindset of finding a solution, and the destructive thought patterns will be cut off pretty quick.
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11. “They’re Out To Get Me.”
Have you ever gotten the impression that people are plotting against you in some way? It can be common to read too much into things that are probably just a coincidence or make assumptions about people’s intentions, but it can also lead to defensiveness and paranoia. Unless you get definitive proof, chances are no one is out to get you, and you’re only hurting yourself by thinking that way.
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12. “What If I Embarrass Myself?”
Sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned, and yes, sometimes it’s embarrassing. But worrying about that beforehand is only going to hold you back. If you’re putting yourself out there and trying new things, there’s nothing to be ashamed of–start believing that.
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13. “It Can Only Get Worse.”
Catastrophic thinking is when you exaggerate situations and make them seem worse than they actually are. That can snowball into “what ifs” that may or may not even happen, causing you to worry even more about hypothetical things unnecessarily. It’s just as possible things can get better than you ever imagined, so why not hope for the best?
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14. “I Always/Never…”
Overgeneralization turns one mistake into who you are. For example, if you tend to forget important things like your best friend’s birthday or work deadlines, saying you “always forget” is like telling yourself you aren’t capable of remembering. Instead of resigning yourself to life as a forgetful person, think of ways to help yourself, like setting up phone notifications as helpful reminders.
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15. “I’m Right About Everything.”
Not only is this simply not true, but thinking this makes it impossible to see other people’s perspectives and accept that sometimes your experience is not everyone’s experience. It can be a destructive thought pattern because it will make you appear to be a know-it-all, which tends to push people away. Remind yourself to stay humble and open to the fact that you don’t know everything.
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