Dirty Talk 101: How To Get Him Off With Words

According to a 2012 study, talking about sex is good for you. It’s not just good for you when you talk about it amongst your friends because it helps to break down sexual stigmas and taboos, but talking about sex while you’re having sex with your partner is beneficial, too. It’s when you communicate to your partner what you like, don’t like, or how things are feeling that sexual satisfaction increases. Basically, dirty talk does wonders for your sex life.

But outside of “Don’t stop,” or “I’m coming,” talking sexy talk can be daunting. It’s hard to know what to say and how to say it without laughing, so a lot of people would just rather skip it. However, you shouldn’t not do something out of fear; you should embrace that fear and conquer it by facing what made you nervous in the first place. Yes, you should talk dirty to your partner and this is how you’re going to do it.

  1. Get over the initial nervousness. The trick here is to get comfortable with being (briefly) uncomfortable. It’s like the first time you insert a tampon or try on Spanx: Your immediate reaction is “Ugh!”, followed by the realization that it’s not all bad. Once you know that it’ll be tricky at first and there might be lots of blushing going on, you can make peace with it and push on.
  2. Do what makes you feel sexy. Whatever makes you feel sexy, besides your partner, is what you want on, in, and around you when you’re talking dirty. If you feel sexiest when you’re rocking your Sponge Bob pajamas with a butt plug in your ass and some CNN on the television, then do that. It’s hard to act or talk sexy when you’re not feeling sexy.
  3. Ease into it. As is the case with most things in life, if you go from zero to 60 in seconds, you’re likely to hit a tree and ruin everything. You need to feel out the waters and not push yourself too fast. Use language and suggest scenarios within your comfort zone before you launch into the heavy-duty, hardcore stuff.
  4. Embrace your fantasies. A lot of dirty talk is about opening your mind to all those dirty things you have going on in your brain. Because this is the case, you need to understand two things: 1. Sexual fantasies are totally normal and healthy, and 2. Everyone has sexual fantasies; yes, everyone. Once you have that ingrained in your brain, you’ll feel better about spilling the beans to your partner about what you’ve been wanting to try. In communicating your fantasies, you’re not only making for some fun dirty talk, but you’re also getting yourself one step closer to making your fantasies a reality.
  5. Give your partner the floor. Talking dirty isn’t unlike a regular conversation that involves a normal back and forth, so it’s important to give your partner a chance to talk, too. What this also means is being open to what they say, not being judgmental, and giving your partner the safe space they’ve given you when you were doing the talking.
  6. Don’t be scared to laugh. I know this is something that I’ve probably written 234 times, but I’ll write it again: Sex is funny. When you think about it, it’s weird and gross and smelly and strange and awesome. If you’ve never laughed during sex, you’re missing out, and the same goes for talking dirty. It’s more than OK to giggle a bit, so don’t fight it.
  7. Think about what you’re saying. Once you get into the flow of dirty talk, really pay attention to the words coming out of your mouth. What are you saying you want to do to him? What are you asking him to do to you? The more you think about the reality of what you’re saying, the sexier it gets. This can increase your own pleasure as you get more turned on and make him hotter because there will be more conviction to your words. It’s a win-win.
Amanda Chatel is a sexual health, mental health, and wellness journalist with more than a decade of experience. Her work has been featured in Shape, Glamour, SELF, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Mic, Men's Health and Bustle, where she was a lifestyle writer for seven years. In 2019, The League included Amanda in their "15 Inspirational Feminists Every Single Person Should Follow on Twitter" list.

Amanda has a bachelor's degree in English and master's degree in Creative Writing from the University of New Hampshire. She divides her time between NYC, Paris, and Barcelona.

You can follow her on Instagram @la_chatel or on Twitter @angrychatel.