Don’t Worry, Ladies — He Suffers More After A Breakup

After a breakup, women tend to cry our eyes out, vent to some friends, and then eventually get over it. Guys don’t do that — in fact, one recent study has even proven that men suffer more after a breakup than we do. So why does it seem like they move on the next day? Instead of taking a moment to deal with what happened, guys try to mask their feelings with rebounds and new relationships. In other words, it’s all a ruse. Trust me — he’s suffering way more than you are.

1. Guys don’t quite get over it.

Most men aren’t wired to handle breakups like we are. They don’t have a grieving period. Instead, they usually either feel anger or confusion. It’s kind of their default for dealing with a situation they’re uncomfortable with. So while you’re getting over him, he’s just trying to ignore the situation completely.

2. There’s never any resolution.

You cry things out, analyze what went wrong, and talk to your friends. By keeping everything locked down tight, he doesn’t ever find closure. His version of resolution is jumping right into another relationship. It’s not all in your head that he seems to move on more quickly.

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4. He keeps his emotions in check.

Guys are taught from a young age that emotions are bad. If you feel anything, you keep it quiet. While I don’t think a man that cries when the weather changes is sexy, I like the idea of a man who isn’t afraid to let his emotions be a little more obvious. After all, bottling it all up isn’t good for anyone.

5. He’s supposed to get under someone immediately.

Yes, we do rebounds too, but it almost feels like a requirement for guys. His friends pressure him to forget you by getting under someone as soon as possible. What better way to get over a breakup than sleeping with a stranger? Yeah,  it doesn’t work that well.

6. Every loss just piles up.

Ignoring the pain of a breakup doesn’t make it magically go away. Every breakup just adds more pain, so when the two of you break up, it’s just more weight on his shoulders. No, you shouldn’t feel guilty, but it might make you feel better that you’re not the only one who’s changed irrevocably.

7. Guys are often the ones getting dumped.

Women are great at dumping men. Guys do it sometimes, but women tend to do it more often. Think about how you feel when you get dumped — it hurts like hell and stings your pride. Usually, the one getting dumped has a harder time dealing with the breakup. Of course, it’s even worse if you don’t break it off the right way.

8. He believes it’s all his fault.

Men have this “fix-it” attitude. If the relationship fell apart, he thinks it’s all his fault. Even if he’s blaming it on you, on the inside, he’s wondering what the hell he did to cause the breakup. The constant mental what-if gymnastics make him feel like crap.

9. There’s little post-breakup support.

How many guys do you hear sitting around talking about how they feel, how upset they are and how they wish they could’ve made things work? Yeah, it doesn’t happen often. Guys don’t have the same kind of welcoming support system as women. It’s sad, but it’s true.

10. He’ll just keep making the same mistakes.

Since he’s not dealing with the breakup, he’s not learning anything, either. This means he’s going to keep making the same mistakes. He’s not going to learn until some woman takes pity on him and tells him what to do differently. It’s like the suffering never ends.

11. Guys sometimes lose more friends post-breakup.

What can I say? Women are great at building strong friendships. This kind of blows for guys though. In trying to pull away from anything to do with the relationship, guys might even try to work to keep mutual friends. Not only do they lose you, but they also lose their friends.

12. Millennial-aged guys feel more strongly.

While male emotions still aren’t super accepted, millennial-aged guys tend to allow themselves to feel more strongly and openly than past generations. It only serves to reason this makes them hurt more.

It’s definitely not a competition for who can be more miserable and who hurts more after a breakup. However, it is a small comfort to know that a guy is suffering after things end just like you are. It makes you feel a little less alone, for sure. It also confirms to you that what you had with him was real and your feelings weren’t all one-sided.

How a guy behaves after a breakup

It goes without saying that men’s behavior after a breakup doesn’t tend to resemble women’s in any way. Instead, they go about things in an entirely different way, though it’s hard to say how effective this is. A guy’s behavior following a breakup can be downright baffling, and figuring out what he’s thinking is nearly impossible. Here are some things that tend to happen when it’s over.

1. He turns into a party animal.

Instead of taking time to reflect and process his emotions, he pretends everything is fine and instead fills up his social calendar to the brim so that he never has to sit with his own thoughts for longer than five minutes. You can pretty much count on seeing him out drinking and partying most nights of the week, eager to stay busy and have fun rather than dealing with the fact that his heart is broken.

2. He tries to get back together.

In the early stages of a breakup, before he’s really come to terms with what’s happened, he may try to get back together. This is especially true if you’re the one who ended the relationship and he was against the split. Because he hasn’t confronted the fact that things are truly over, it’s likely he’ll think that what happened between you is repairable and it’s worth another shot. Of course, when you tell him your decision was final and you want to go your separate ways, that’s when things can sometimes get ugly.

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4. He realizes things aren’t fine and he’s actually pretty angry/upset.

Eventually, every guy is unable to ignore the fact that his relationship has gone up in flames and he’s not okay with it. He might get angry or sad and feel like he’s spiraling after the breakup. That’s true even if he’s the one to initiate it. At this point, he’s going to be a loose cannon. It’ll be hard to tell how he’ll behave, which can be scary for you…

5. He might get angry and try to get revenge.

If he doesn’t have healthy coping skills and the breakup wasn’t his idea, this is the period when things can get really ugly. A guy without emotional intelligence may try to get revenge on his by talking crap about her to his friends or even, in the worst-case scenarios, uploading revenge porn. Let’s hope your ex is a little more mature.

6. He tries to rebound.

When he’s grown bored with trying to get revenge on his ex, he’ll likely decide to rebound with another woman (or several of them). After all, as the old adage goes, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, right? Not really, but don’t try to tell him that. He’s thinking that a) he’s finally single which means it’s time to sow his wild oats; b) that sleeping with a ton of other women is a way to get back at his ex; c) that hooking up will keep his mind off his feelings and instead keep it on his physical pleasure. This is misguided, to say the least, but pretty much every guy goes through this.

7. He shuts down.

Many guys who lack coping skills will deal with a breakup by eventually shutting down altogether. If he was extremely hurt by what happened between himself and his ex, he may swear off love altogether and insist that he’s never getting into a relationship again. This could manifest in one of two different ways: he might stop dating and literally go nowhere near women for a long time or he might date around but refuse to commit and instead constantly screw over every woman he meets because he’s turned into a nihilist.

8. He eventually moves on.

Because it takes him so much longer to actually come to terms with his feelings, it generally takes him much longer to get over a breakup than it does you. Of course, there’s always a chance that he compartmentalized what happened from the beginning and avoided dealing with it at all, meaning it will seem like he’s over it when he’s never actually dealt with it. In any case, there will come a time when he is truly finished with your relationship and ready to move on to a new one. Hopefully, he’s learned some valuable lessons that will make him a better partner for his next girlfriend.

Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.