We’ve all met someone who just can’t bring themselves to say, “I’m sorry.” Toxic people have a whole arsenal of tricks to deflect blame and avoid taking responsibility for their actions — here are some of the most common excuses they tend to use.
1. “I didn’t mean it THAT way.”
They minimize the hurt they caused and put the focus on your reaction. After all, if you’re “too sensitive,” they don’t have to change their behavior, right? Don’t let them twist the situation – your feelings are valid, and their intent matters less than the impact. Remember, it’s not up to you to decipher their intentions, it’s up to them to communicate clearly and respectfully.
2. “But you…”
Gotta love someone who points the finger everywhere but at themselves. They’ll dig up past grievances and do anything they can to make you the bad guy. This diverts attention from the current issue. Don’t get sucked into the argument spiral; calmly bring the focus back to their hurtful actions in the present. It might help to say something like, “We can discuss that other issue later, right now I need to address how your words hurt me.”
3. “Can’t we just forget about it?”
Sweeping things under the rug is a toxic favorite. They want to maintain the illusion of peace without actually addressing the problem. Don’t fall for it; unresolved issues will fester, and a true apology is essential for moving forward healthily. Let them know, “I’m not someone who can just sweep things under the rug, I need to address this for the sake of our relationship.”
4. “I’m sorry if you were offended…”
This classic non-apology puts the responsibility back on you. They’re not sincerely admitting fault, just grudgingly acknowledging that you’re upset. A real apology focuses on their actions, not your reaction. Don’t be afraid to call them out: “Saying ‘if’ makes it seem like you’re not taking responsibility for hurting my feelings.”
5. The Silent Treatment
They disappear, hoping you’ll drop the issue or start begging for their attention. This is about control. Don’t play their game; refuse to chase them and prioritize your own well-being. Let them know their silence is hurtful too, by saying something like, “I’m willing to have a conversation, but disappearing makes it impossible to resolve this.”
6. “Now I’M the bad guy…”
They flip the script, painting themselves as hurt by your need for accountability. This guilt-trip aims to make you back down. Compassion is good, but don’t let it be used to manipulate you into overlooking their hurtful actions. It’s okay to hold people accountable while also acknowledging the complexity of their emotions.
7. “You always make a big deal out of nothing.”
They belittle your emotions, implying you’re irrational or overreacting. This invalidates your right to feel hurt. Remember, it’s not up to them to decide how their actions affect you, and your feelings deserve to be taken seriously. If they continue to minimize your feelings, it might be a sign that this person doesn’t respect your emotional needs.
8. “I was just joking! Can’t you take a joke?”
They dismiss your hurt feelings by framing their actions as harmless humor. This is a way to minimize the impact and dodge responsibility. Don’t accept it – explain that their “jokes” crossed the line and caused genuine pain. Healthy humor doesn’t come at the expense of someone else’s feelings.
9. “You wouldn’t bring this up if you really cared about me.”
They manipulate you by turning your desire for a healthy relationship into a weapon. Don’t be fooled, caring about someone means being willing to admit mistakes and work towards healing, not ignoring them. A healthy relationship requires open communication and a willingness to address issues, not use guilt as a silencing tool.
10. “Everyone else does it, what’s the problem?”
They try to normalize their bad behavior and paint you as the unreasonable one for calling it out. Don’t let them shift standards; just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s acceptable, especially if it hurts you. Hold firm to your own values and don’t let anyone pressure you into accepting behavior that makes you uncomfortable.
11. “You’re so dramatic.”
Another classic invalidation tactic — they label your reaction as an overblown performance. This erases your real feelings and allows them to avoid addressing the actual issue. Stay calm and reiterate the specific actions that hurt you. It’s important to not let their dismissive attitude derail your right to express your feelings.
12. “I already said I’m sorry, what else do you want?”
They toss out a forced, empty apology to shut you up. A real apology includes acknowledging the impact of their actions and a willingness to change. Don’t be satisfied with a begrudging “sorry” thrown your way. Express that you appreciate their saying sorry, but you need to also see them make an effort not to repeat the hurtful behavior.
13. “This is why I don’t like talking to you about stuff.”
They make YOU the problem for wanting a healthy dialogue. This is a guilt trip to silence any attempt at discussing their behavior. Stand your ground; healthy communication is essential in any relationship. Let them know you’re always willing to have difficult conversations in a respectful way.
14. “I never said/did that.”
This is gaslighting at its finest. They aim to confuse you and question your own memory. If you’re sure of what happened, don’t let them rewrite reality. Trust your instincts and consider if this is a pattern in your interactions. Repeatedly denying their actions is a huge red flag in a relationship.
15. “Well, YOU always…”
They blow up past, unrelated issues to drown out a discussion of their current hurtful behavior. Don’t fall for this trap; address one issue at a time. Remind them you’re willing to talk about their concerns after the current issue is resolved. It’s important to not allow yourself to be sidetracked from the discussion at hand.
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