Every woman has her own ideas about what makes a guy good boyfriend material, but emotional maturity is a big one for most of us (and rightfully so). Loving an emotionally unavailable guy is exhausting and disheartening, but we’ve all done it once or twice. Here’s why it sucks so badly:
We hold onto hope when there’s zero chance of things working out.
We get the feeling from the start that this guy is never going to open up to us, but it’s like we don’t even care because we still have this sense of hope that someday, the clouds are going to part, the sun is going to shine and he’s going to tell us everything. It’s a dream, but it’s our dream and we’re not ready to let go of it.
We ignore our better instincts.
It’s not like we don’t know that this guy will never tell us how he feels about us or about anything at all. We know this, but we ignore it. We would rather live in denial just a little bit longer because we’re so into this guy, and while that definitely sucks and brings us a ton of pain and confusion, we’re not going to give up the fight.
We feel responsible for his emotional shortcomings.
Of course we get that we didn’t make this guy uncomfortable with his feelings, but we do feel like if he was with another girl, he might open up more, so maybe it’s somehow our fault. Deep down we know this isn’t anything even close to true and yet it’s hard not to go down that road.
We wonder if this is such a big deal.
Hey, guys are different from us, right? They don’t cry at every little thing like commercials (we can’t help it) and they don’t feel the need for long, serious conversations. Maybe our best friends are dating emotionally unavailable guys too and it’s not a big deal at all. Maybe we just suck it up and get used to it.
We try to change him, which never works.
We figure this guy likes us back so we might as well talk to him about how he hasn’t exactly told us how he feels about us. When something is wrong, it’s best to try to change it, right? As any of us who have tried to have this conversation know, this never works out the way that we want.
We wait around.
We’re not only choosing to stay with this guy for as long as things work out, we feel like we’re literally waiting. We’re waiting for him to talk to us. We’re waiting for him to become the person that we want him to be (or the person that we thought he was). We’re waiting for things to feel normal and good. We’re going to be waiting forever, basically, and the worst part is that we totally know it.
We know we should leave but we feel frozen in place.
At the same time, we can tell that when a guy is not emotionally available to us, it’s basically an almost relationship. We never wanted to find ourselves in this kind of situation and yet here we are yet again.
We’re defensive about him around our friends.
When we chat to our best friends about this guy, they all ask us why we’re bothering to act like this is totally normal. They want to know why he won’t talk to us and why this is supposedly okay. Yeah, we get how they feel, but we feel super protective of this guy. We like him so much that we’re willing to go to bat for him.
We know something else exists.
It’s like we go through the stages of grief when we date a guy like this. We’re in denial, we’re bargaining, we’re pissed off that we’re in this situation… but we know that something else exists. We know that a relationship is possible where both partners talk about how they feel about each other and where they both share their lives — and we really, really want that.
We hate ourselves for staying but we do it anyway.
In the end, we know that we should never cut any guy more slack than he deserves, whether he’s a boyfriend or almost BF or anything in between. We hate ourselves for staying and believing, despite our best instincts. We have known from the beginning that nothing that nothing would ever change, and once we get to the point of no return, we wish we had stood up for ourselves earlier. Let’s hope that we can find the strength to kick any emotionally unavailable guys to the curb. We totally deserve better.
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