While liars, cheaters, and commitment-phobes are pretty annoying to deal with in the dating world, there’s pretty much nothing worse than the dreaded “nice guy”—you know, the dude who thinks you owe him something just because he exists and shows interests in you. Thankfully, a lot of guys eventually grow out of this way of thinking, and a few of them shared their personal turning points in a recent Reddit thread. Here’s what they had to say.
I just snapped out of it. User RealKenny admitted that seeing his own desperate behavior was part of the catalyst for his change, writing, “I was the worst. Totally a ‘I’m so in love with my best friend, why is she dating that douche when she can be with me.’ I think as I got older and saw other guys doing it, it seemed so pathetic and sad that I just kind of snapped out of it. For the record when I told that girl I loved her she laughed, and that was the last time we ever saw each other. That might have helped with my transition.”
I realized I was going about things all wrong. According to Dammit_Alan, “I don’t remember what put the thought in my head, or how I came to the conclusion, but my thought was: “I want all these women. They don’t seem to want me. Maybe I should focus on being the kind of guy they actually want, instead of the one I think they want. I ended up ditching the part where I was bettering myself to get women, and just focused on bettering myself (school, career, hygiene, living situation) and women coincidentally became more interested.”
I watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It sounds crazy but it was true for InchZer0! “I found myself rooting for Quasimodo through the movie, and when he didn’t get with Esmeralda, I was mad. Furious. He deserves to be with her, for how noble and brave he has been. He should have her, and she should ‘give him a chance.’ Then, I don’t know why, but something clicked after that thought. Esmeralda clearly was happy with the other guy. I mentally flipped the script and realized I would not be saying the same if Quasi is handsome and Esmeralda was ugly. I also realize that Judge Frollo was the character who most shared my mindset at the time; he deserves Esmeralda, for he is so pure and good. Frollo being the antagonist caused me to really reconsider my thoughts on relationships, girls, and generally just the way I treated women.”
I was given a wakeup call. “I was told that if your a nice guy only to get laid you aren’t really nice and more of a suck-up loser who expects rewards for being a decent human being,” wrote duyka12. How true!
I decided to make a change. As alexschubs shared, changing his “nice guy” ways is an ongoing process. “As a former NiceGuyTM , I’m still figuring my stuff out. I knew that my pathetic spinelessness and constant sympathy-begging wasn’t getting me anywhere in life, so I wanted to make a change. It came across as a complete lack in self-confidence, which was not attracting anyone. So I decided to carry myself differently, and it’s helped. But like I said earlier, I’m still figuring my [crap] out. You should for sure be a nice person, but for the love of all that is holy, be genuinely kind. Not just nice to get what you want.”
I grew up a bit. StrictEggplant realized that he was at the root of most of his problems. “Honestly, I grew up a bit. I was tired of always feeling that way, so I decided to grow up a little bit and start making changes to better myself. If everyone ignored me, I must be the common denominator, right? Three years later, I’m a much happier person and even my close friends had noticed the changes in my behavior. Nice guys, if you are anything like I was, you’re literally making it harder on yourselves.”
I realized it wasn’t working. “[It] literally gets you nowhere because girls only think of you as a best friend or a brother. If your goal is to be seen as a potential romantic interest, being nice isn’t going to work. I’ve always cringed at guys being really forward with women or being obviously flirty, but after lurking through life observing people fall in love, I’ve come to realize that obviousness has a real place in society and there really isn’t a subtle way to let someone know you like them — girls can’t read minds,” wrote velour_manure. “So I’ve learned to be a bit more forward and honest with my emotions and intentions. I’ve learned to openly flirt. I’ve learned to stop being so clingy and needy when girls don’t really that from guys they’re interested in. And I’ve learned to be myself. Being yourself is the best thing you can do, which means throwing away the “nice guy” act and not trying to be a saint or a white knight because it only convinces you that people owe you respect and attention, which they don’t.”
I realized that all women can’t be wrong. BlueEyesLotus admitted, “There is a point where it kind of clicked that it can’t be that it’s all the women that are wrong. It followed that I assumed it was me that was wrong, which kind of hurts when you think about it. After a while, I realized it AT LEAST wasn’t 100% of me that was wrong, maybe some 5% I can identify and work towards. I’m not really looking for a relationship anymore as I’d rather work on myself for the time being. I feel it would be unfair to myself and the person I’d be with.”
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