To The Guy Who Thought I Was “Too Intense”

I’ve always been described as having a strong personality, and for most of my life, I thought it was something to be proud of. Then I dated someone who couldn’t take it. He claimed that everything I did and everything I felt was too “extreme.” Eventually, he ended things between us because of it, and I initially felt like crap. Now, I realize that there’s nothing wrong with my level of intensity, and I wish so badly that I could tell him these things:

  1. I can’t help that I feel things so deeply. Call me sensitive, emotional, whatever you want, but in the end, the way things affect me is out of my control. Maybe I fell a little harder for you than I’d planned, and maybe, in your eyes at least, the way you treated me didn’t justify the pain I felt. But no matter how much I might want to, I’m not just going to be able to stop feeling a certain way just because you believe that it’s “too much.”
  2. You drove me to this point. Rather than accusing me of being extreme, you should really take a look at the things you did that pushed me to be this way around you. Am I supposed to carry on as though nothing happened when you beg me not to leave one day, then ignore my texts for two days afterward? That kind of crap is enough to drive anyone crazy.
  3. My strong reactions don’t make me a bad person. I know sometimes I share my feelings too much. I cry easily, I laugh easily, and it doesn’t take much to really piss me off. But none of those things are negative qualities; they’re just a part of who I am. I would never try to shame you for NOT having strong emotional responses, so you have a lot of nerve to suggest that the way I am is a flaw.
  4. I’d much rather live this way than be apathetic. I enjoy experiencing life in a more emotional way, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It might be easier to just not care about so much, and maybe it would make me easier to date, but you know what? I prefer to feel things and be single rather than date a man who wants me to change the way I experience the world around me.
  5. I’m not irrational; you’re just a loser. I love how you tried to downplay your own bad behavior by trying to convince me that I was crazy. Yeah, I got pissed when you started revealing your commitment issues. Most other people would as well. Maybe I am a little more intense than other girls you’ve dated, or maybe they just took your crap a bit quieter than I did. Either way, it’s rude as hell for you to pretend like I’m crazy just because I refused to accept your behavior with a smile.
  6. My behavior isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Sure, I’m a bit more emotional than some people, but it’s not like I shoved a thousand love letters into your mailbox or had a bubblegum shrine of you in my closet. I’ll be the first to admit that I get more excited or angry about things than might be “normal,” but until you came along, I’d never been made to feel like I was weird. Nobody else I’ve dated has had a problem with my so-called intensity, so you have some balls to tell me that it’s something that I “need to work on.”
  7. If I’m going to do something, I’d rather go in all the way. I don’t half-ass anything in life, and that includes my relationships. I love, fight, and apologize with everything in me, and while people like you might take issue with it, I’d much rather be as I am instead of someone who doesn’t give her all to everything she does.
  8. The way I acted was much better than the games you played. Considering the emotional roller coaster you put me on, I think I handled myself pretty damn well. You bet I cried a lot when things were bad and was overjoyed when things got better, but nothing about my behavior was any more extreme than the way you treated me. You put me through so many ups and downs that it’s only expected that my own emotional highs and lows would reflect that. I hope one day when you give yourself a long, hard look in the mirror, you’ll be able to see that the most intense thing in our relationship wasn’t me, but you.
  9. I’m not going to hold myself back just because someone can’t take it. That “intensity” that you clearly hate so much is a part of my identity, and I refuse to change who I am for any man. Even if it means I’m single for the rest of my life, I refuse to water myself down just because someone considers it a turnoff.
  10. You’re going to miss me when you get bored with someone else. Perhaps I’m wrong and you really DO want a woman who is less expressive, but I’m willing to bet that down the road, you’re going to miss the way I was with you. I might be “too much” for you right now, but later on, you’re going to want someone who brings a little something extra to the relationship. But by then, I’ll have long ago moved on to someone who appreciates me just the way I am.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.