It pains me to admit this, but I haven’t had sex in almost a year. Even before my marriage came to an end — thanks to my husband’s laziness and cheating on me with a near-child — I’d stopped having sex with him. How does a woman watch a man nap all day long, only working a couple nights a week, and think, “Oh, yeah. I really want to screw that guy?” Maybe some can — I’m just not one of them. Laziness just doesn’t give me a lady hard-on.
Although I probably could have had lots of sex if I wanted to (I mean, it’s not like I didn’t have some opportunities thrown my way), the desire just wasn’t there. Maybe I’m not ready to have sex with someone new or maybe I’m still healing; I’m not quite sure. But while I haven’t gotten laid in almost a year, I’ve been really productive. In fact, this may have been one of the most productive years of my life. Here are all the fascinating things that I’ve either accomplished or have happened to me while I was busy not-having sex:
- I went to Spain for a month. I figured since I wasn’t banging my husband, why not jet off to Spain for a month? So I did. Granted, he came to visit, but we still didn’t have sex. Man, did I get an amazing tan.
- I was ghosted. I realize ghosting is very en vogue right now, but before I knew my husband had cheated (knew for sure, that is), he ghosted me. Have you been ghosted? It may not be anything to brag about, but it was definitely a first for me.
- I took myself on a trip for my birthday. Was I really going to spend my birthday sitting around weeping? Hell no, so I treated myself to a week at a resort in St. Thomas. I splurged for a suite with a terrace and took sailing lessons — that is, when I wasn’t drinking pina coladas WITH UMBRELLAS IN THEM on the beach.
- I almost puked on a potential one-night stand. Shortly after finding out for sure that my husband cheated, I decided that I was going to have a one-night stand. These are things that had helped me bounce back from relationships in the past, so why the not? Nope. It backfired. I took him home, we started to kiss, and I had to run to the bathroom to puke. Just couldn’t do it.
- I sent poop to my husband. I realize we’ve already covered the fact that I sent the bastard poop, but I still consider it being productive.
- I went viral. In a world where the Internet reigns king, I got my 15 minutes. OK, maybe more like three minutes, but still! I went viral — all because I sent poop to my husband, as one does. People love a good poop story (including George Takei, who posted it on his Facebook page).
- I joined a gym. Not only did I join a gym, but I actually went 11 whole times. Every other time I’ve joined a gym, I only went once! That’s not just a sign of productivity, but maturity too.
- I threw myself into my work. I’d heard that immersing yourself in your work after any loss is always a good idea, but I’d never tried before. I tend to be too emotional to function, but because I get to write about my relationship woes, I just put it all out there in articles and essays and felt SO MUCH BETTER — and got paid for it.
- I celebrated my freedom with a divorce party. Although I’m not technically divorced yet and am not likely to be so anytime soon (my husband is working even less now, because his child mistress says he doesn’t have to), I threw myself a divorce party at The Plaza. Why? Because I’ve always wanted to stay at The Plaza and I’m bit insane — insanely awesome.
- I started writing a book. In December, an agent approached me about writing a book. Had I ever considered it? Well, of course! I’m an insanely awesome person who throws divorce parties at The Plaza, so obviously I have! After tossing around some ideas with her, I’m writing a book. Granted, I deleted 40 pages of it last week, but sometimes you need to delete before you can move forward.
- I learned how to make a Voodoo altar. Despite my atheism, I’ve always been so intrigued by all religions, so I decided I need some Voodoo and beignets in my life, headed off to New Orleans and learned how to make a Voodoo altar — which is still in my bedroom at my parents’ house because I set it up over the holidays, left it up when I went back to NYC, and my mother is terrified to touch it.
- I’ve been to nine new countries. In the past year sans sex, I’ve been to Portugal, Hungary, Slovakia, Czech Republic, Costa Rica, Thailand, Cambodia, Denmark, and Sweden. Personally, I think nine new countries in a year is pretty impressive. I already have more trips to other countries planned for the next four months. Someone is going to be in Croatia in June and South Africa in September!
- I learned to love my sex-less life. I know if I wanted to, I could go out tomorrow and get laid. I’m not saying I’ll take home some stunner, but if I wanted someone to sleep with for the night, I could get one. But I’ve realized, although I’m a very sexual being with a high sex drive, right now I just don’t need it or even want it. I get more stuff done when I’m not worrying about sex and relationships. Besides, I have a crap ton of vibrators and right now they need my attention.
