Why Hearing “I Love You” Never Fixes Anything

Why Hearing “I Love You” Never Fixes Anything ©iStock/elenaleonova

Hearing “I love you” can feel amazing, but it doesn’t actually fix any problems that are going on in a relationship. The issues are still there, just covered up with emotion that can blind you to the truth. There are an endless amount of reasons to tell someone you love them, but to fix a relationship problem definitely isn’t one of them, for these 10 reasons:

  1. It distracts from the actual problem. If you’re fighting, there’s obviously a real problem that needs to be discussed. Saying “I love you” can be a distraction from the fight, dooming you to repeat yourselves and end up having the same argument again down the road.
  2. It encourages you to drop the issue. Being reassured that you’re loved can encourage you to drop the issue, but simply being loved isn’t enough. You need to have your voice heard and valued, as well. You can love each other and still openly discuss where the relationship is falling short.
  3. It leads to premature make up sex. Love can be a pretty serious aphrodisiac. If you jump into the make up sex instead of finishing the fight, you’ll find yourselves in the same bad spot again in the future.
  4. Love doesn’t negate serious relationship problems. Having love doesn’t cancel out whatever problems are going on. It can be tempting to value love over other things in a relationship, but if you’re missing things such as respect and safety, love by itself just isn’t enough.
  5. It avoids making a plan of action. A lot of relationship issues can be fixed, but nothing will change if you just say “I love you” and move on. If you’re having problems, identify them and make a plan to fix things. Without a plan, everything will remain the same.
  6. It doesn’t promise change. You can love someone and still be a loser forever. Hearing the words doesn’t promise that things will change or get better. It only expresses how he feels, not how he intends to act.
  7. It emphasizes what you could lose. Saying “I love you” is a great way to remind someone what they could lose if they leave or keep pressing the issue that is upsetting them. This is a manipulative tactic to keep someone complacent instead of actually resolving the issue. You shouldn’t be afraid of losing love if the relationship isn’t healthy for you, and healthy relationships include growing, fixing problems, and respecting each other.
  8. It doesn’t bring any new information to the table. You already know that you love each other, so saying it again isn’t particularly helpful. You can’t move forward unless you’re bringing new ideas and information out, and love is far from a new idea.
  9. There aren’t any trump cards in arguments. Some people use the “I love you” phrase as a trump card to end an argument or discussion. However, there are no trump cards, and the argument needs to continue until both people are confident that the issue has been resolved.
  10. It’s an easy out. Taking the easy way out of a fight won’t help either of you grow. Even if it’s unpleasant, you need to argue every once in a while so you can get things off your chest and move in the right direction. Bailing on a serious discussion only ensures that things will remain the same, and doesn’t guarantee that anyone will be happy.
Holly Harris is a freelance writer, full time student, and mommy to a toddler sass monster. In her (nearly nonexistent) free time, you can find her lifting something heavy in her home gym or chugging vodka sodas with friends. She contributes to several other sites, including Elite Daily.