Here’s Why It’s So Hard To Recognize A Good Guy When You Meet One

I’ve dated a lot of great guys, but I’ve also dated a lot of players. After all was said and done, the most memorable of my relationships were always the ones with the latter. I’ve avoided dating and anything like it for a long time so that I could readjust my tastes and finally find a good guy to call mine, but after everything I’ve been through, I’m not quite sure I know what a good guy even looks like anymore. Here’s why:

  1. Every guy is good in the beginning. Every single jerks I’ve dated was damn near perfect in the beginning. They played the game really well so when it came to seeing them for who they really were, it was far too late. I was already in love and my version of them was skewed even more. So when a guy is just as incredible when we first start seeing each other, I find myself nervous that he’s going to end up just like all the other disappointments.
  2. Red flags are harder to spot than you think. When you find yourself in the love bubble, those red flags always get swept under the rug because a) you don’t want to see them and b) you’re blissfully ignorant to what they really mean. I’m pretty good with spotting red flags now because of all my past mistakes, but I’m still worried that I could be making up problems that aren’t there because of everything I’ve been through.
  3. I’m automatically suspicious when he seems too good to be true. Whenever I feel myself getting excited about a guy, shortly after comes the suspicion. I know I’m a great catch and deserve to be treated well, but whenever it happens, I’m worried he’s just trying to get me on the hook before he reveals the monster he truly is.
  4. Trust doesn’t come easy for me. I barely trust anyone in my life, so when a new guy shows up, it’s damn near impossible to believe even the simplest of sweet nothings. I do my best because I want to feel that way about something that deserves my love, but it’s not easy for me to do.
  5. Is he good or just good at pretending to be? I’ve been fooled by the mask before on more than one occasion, so when a guy is seemingly perfect, all I can think of is what he’s hiding. There’s no way that someone can come off as amazing without having a big chunk of themselves hidden. We’re human, so when he seems like a perfect robot of a man from the planet All I’ve Ever Wanted, my first reaction is that he’s a big fat liar.
  6. I’m surprised by genuine kindness — and that’s not a good thing. It’s always a breath of fresh air when a guy I like treats me with respect and genuine kindness, and that’s terrible. To be used to feeling disrespected by everyone I love most is an issue and when something comes along that’s totally different, I’m always shocked.
  7. I may mistake minor flaws for players attributes. I’m so used to guys turning from Prince Charming to Lucifer in relationships that I’m afraid I’m going to miss out on a good guy because once he does something I don’t like, I’ll jump to the worst possible conclusion. Flaws are what make people beautiful and I don’t want a genuine guy being unfairly judged because of my past.
  8. Fear is messing with my ability to see guys for who they really are. I’m scared that he’ll turn out to be awful, but I’m more scared that he won’t and I’ll soon find out what all my other gaslighting boyfriends told me; I’m crazy and irrational.
  9. If he seems great, I’m always waiting for the catch. If he’s sweet, good looking, attentive to my needs and possesses a whole lot of wonderful qualities, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s as if I’m just counting down the dates before he shows me something so awful that it negates everything good about him. It’s not healthy, but it’s what I do.
  10. I don’t even know what a good boyfriend is. I’m aware of the fact that a good boyfriend isn’t perfect but I’m not quite sure what constitutes a man worthy of my time. I’ve never really experienced a good relationship, so when it comes to knowing what’s right or wrong, I’m not certain.
Angelica Bottaro has a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Trent University and an Advanced Diploma in Journalism from Centennial College. She began her career as a freelance writer in 2014, racking up bylines in The Good Men Project, MakeWell, LymeTime, YouQueen, and more. She eventually shifted her focus and began writing about mental health, nutrition, and chronic disease for VeryWell Health.

You can follow her on Facebook or check out her website at She also posts on Instagram @a.ct._b and Twitter @angiiebee.