There’s a clear difference between a guy who just has less experience with dating and therefore doesn’t really understand the basics and a guy who’s just plain lazy. If you’re dating one who just seems to not care about making you feel special and cared for the way you do of him, don’t waste any more of your energy. If he can’t date you properly, please don’t date him at all.
- He’s a grown man — what’s his excuse? If this guy is in his twenties or even his thirties, he literally has no excuse for not being able to date you properly. It’s a pretty simple formula: ask someone out, show up when you say you will, show them a great time, then follow up afterward if things went well. Why is it so hard?
- “Hanging out” isn’t a date. It’s high time that we got rid of this crap and stopped accepting “hanging out” as a legitimate date. Sitting on his couch and watching Netflix while he orders some sub-par take-out food isn’t really a date — it’s just your typical single Friday night. If he can’t take you out in public and put real thought into doing something that requires actual effort, like making a dinner reservation and changing out of his worn-out sweatpants, do yourself a favor and stay on your own couch with your own Netflix account. You don’t need a guy to do the things you’re already doing. He should be trying to make things more interesting.
- Coming over last minute and late at night isn’t romantic. As cute as it might seem that he’s thinking about you at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night after he’s left the bar with his buddies and wants to see you last minute, it’s not cute at all. You’re not a late-night option and you’re certainly not a 24-hour drive-thru pick-up window. Let his call hit your voicemail and never return the message. You can do better.
- You shouldn’t be waiting days for a reply. The so-called “busy” excuse that so many guys feed women is total BS. If a guy wants to see you, talk to you, and check in with you to see how your day is going, he’ll find the time no matter how busy he is. If you find yourself waiting days for a reply or weeks for him to even mention getting together again because he’s “so busy,” keep your options open, and don’t wait around for Mr. Busy to figure his crap out. If he can’t step up to the occasion, neither should you. If he snoozes, he loses.
- If sex is his main agenda, tell him goodbye. It’s getting nauseating the way some guys push sex as the main priority of spending time with you. If you’re dating a guy who’s pushy in the physicality department and you’re looking for something more meaningful, stop giving him the time of day. Save your energy for someone who wants to actually get to know you completely, and not just who you are in the bedroom.
- You deserve to be appreciated. It’s up to you to weed out the jerks and the weak, lazy guys before you get caught up in another disaster. As hard as it might seem at times, you do deserve to have someone who actually treats you with complete kindness and respect and is excited about dating you in a real way, so keep working towards that by dodging the jerk bullets as quickly as you can.
- The right guy will make you feel excited every day. When you meet the guy who truly knows how to date you properly, he’ll make you feel excited about each and every day you get to spend with him and you shouldn’t accept anything less. Life is short and real love is totally worth waiting for. You don’t need to bide your time with mediocre bozos who are only out to satisfy their own agenda by lifting as few fingers as possible to get there.
- How he dates you is how he will love you — pay attention. The way a guy dates you early on sets the tone for how he will treat you for years to come. If he can’t make the effort to communicate with you or plan real dates for you to do together, chances are he won’t be raising the bar anytime soon. You get what you allow out of love, so if he’s not making things feel even remotely romantic, he’s probably not looking for anything serious and he’s probably not the right guy for you. Tread carefully.
- If he ignores your concerns, he’s not worth your time. Some guys won’t even take the time to hear you out respectfully when you tell them what you want and expect out of any relationship you get into, but it’s not your job to teach him how to do something that should be common sense. If he doesn’t even try to turn things around after you’ve told him straight up that you’d like to go on real and proper dates or hear from him more often, stop wasting your breath — it’s falling on deaf ears.
- You have better stuff to do than to date someone who’s lazy. There are much better things you could be doing with your time than dating a guy that can’t seem to figure it out and doesn’t seem to want to try. You don’t need to “hang out” with someone who isn’t making you feel special. You don’t need to pick up a late-night phone call just to get face time in with someone you’re supposed to be dating and you don’t need to stick around and accept less than you want. Sometimes you have to accept some guys at face value —they’re simply not the right one for you. You deserve someone who actually makes a real effort so if he’s not dating you properly, don’t date him at all.
It can be tough to know whether you’re being unreasonable when it comes to your dating expectations. You don’t want to ask for too much but you also need to be careful that you’re not expecting too little. There’s nothing wrong with holding high standards in love. In fact, doing so will save you from a lot of heartbreak and disappointment down the line. Stay strong — you’ve got this.
If you struggle to set high standards in love…
Setting boundaries and standards in relationships isn’t easy and it takes practice. However, the more you do it, the easier it will be to assert your expectations and walk away when people don’t live up to them. Here are some tips to help you get started.
- Love yourself first. It shouldn’t have taken RuPaul to remind us of one of the most important rules to live by: If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? It’s so important that you put yourself first and you learn to give yourself the love, care, and romance that you hope to one day find in a partner. When you realize your own worth and value, you’ll be way less likely to let someone else take advantage of or disregard it.
- Choose your partners wisely. If you’ve been in one too many bad relationships or almost-relationships, there’s probably a reason for it: you’re choosing the wrong guys. Be on the lookout for red flags from the very beginning and if you spot any, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Instead, be on your way and leave his messy self behind. This is about self-protection, after all.
- Be realistic. Nobody’s perfect and fairytale romances always go wrong. It’s important that you’re firmly rooted in reality when you’re setting your relationship standards and expectations. You’re not a princess and no man is Prince Charming. Expecting too much is always a possibility, and that only sets you up for disappointment in the end. Make sure you’re not getting ahead of yourself with a list of must-haves that just aren’t realistic.
- Don’t hold grudges; be willing to forgive. Because nobody’s perfect, a guy may mess up sometimes and you may be tempted to walk away right then and there. Of course, it depends on what his actual transgression was, but if it wasn’t anything particularly major and he just screwed up minorly — he had to cancel one of your dates or he was late, for instance — be willing to forgive. You could be throwing out some great guys by being too rigid.
- Learn how to compromise, but not all the time. Compromise is a vital part of all successful long-term relationships, so it’s a skill you need to master. However, it’s not something you should have to do every single time, especially if your partner isn’t meeting you halfway. Stand up for the things that are truly important to you, but be willing to compromise a bit when the situation warrants.
- Accept that sometimes, it really is you, not them. We’ve talked about how nobody’s perfect, but you’re included in that. Sometimes a situation isn’t working out because it really is you. You have to be willing to accept that you have flaws as well and that sometimes they’re fatal to a relationship. This isn’t something you should get down on yourself about, but rather something that you should simply be mindful of and use to help you grow.