His Life Before You Doesn’t Matter, So Don’t Give Him A Hard Time About It

His Life Before You Doesn’t Matter, So Don’t Give Him A Hard Time About It ©iStock/BraunS

The process of truly getting to know someone can last a lifetime — after all, we have unique histories and we’re always changing and growing. However, when we get into a new relationship, the only thing you’ve got to go on is his past, in the sense that it’s what has made him who he is today. That doesn’t mean, however, that it directly reflects on who he is now, and you shouldn’t let it get in the way too much. Barring anything illegal/violent, here’s why you should never give him a hard time over something that happened in his life before you ever met.

  1. The past doesn’t dictate the future. People aren’t all destined to live a linear life and repeat the same experiences over and over, so what’s already happened doesn’t necessarily happen again.
  2. His ex is an ex for a reason. Most guys are going to have exes, but remember that they’re not together anymore for a reason, so it doesn’t really matter how awesome (or awful) she might seem.
  3. People change. He might have made some mistakes in his past, but who hasn’t? The important thing is that he learned from them and hasn’t continued to make them in excess.
  4. How many people he’s slept with has nothing to do with his commitment. So, he’s slept with tons of people — so what? That says nothing about his commitment to you or how serious he feels about relationships in general.
  5. Who we are is thanks to our past. No matter how weird someone’s past might be, it got them to where they are in the present, so changing it wouldn’t be smart even if it was possible.
  6. His current red flags are about the present, not the past. If there are things about him that you’re concerned about, then you’ll probably be seeing them front and center, not buried somewhere in the past.
  7. You shouldn’t be worried if he’s not. Assuming he’s a reasonable person, if he has something important to tell you, then he’s going to tell you. Part of trusting is not looking for trouble where it doesn’t exist.
  8. You don’t want to miss out on the good stuff. If he’s leaving his past in the past, you should leave it there, too, so that you can enjoy all of the good stuff that’s happening now in real time.
  9. When people mess up, it doesn’t necessarily have to do with their past. A squeaky clean past isn’t going to ensure that he has a squeaky clean future, so it’s sort of a ridiculous thing to worry about.
  10. You wouldn’t want to be judged on your past, either. There are probably some moments that you would prefer to keep tucked away in your past because they aren’t relevant to your present, and the same goes for him. Cut him some slack.
  11. You should be living in the now. Some people would even argue that the past doesn’t exist at all, and whether or not you agree, you can certainly see the merit of just living in the here and now and seeing how things go.
Kate Ferguson is a Los Angeles local and freelance writer for a variety of blog and magazine genres. When she's not writing, the UC Davis graduate is focused on pursuits of the entertainment industry, spin class, and hot sauce. Look for article links, updates, (and the occasional joke) on Twitter @KateFerg or @WriterKateFerg, or check out her personal blog ThatsRandomKate.blogspot.com