Hopeless Romanticism Is A Trap — Ways It’s Keeping You Single & How To Change

Hopeless romanticism is generally seen as a good trait to have for many women. We believe we’ve somehow uncovered the secret of deep, meaningful love and that we hold the magic key to eternal happiness. Sadly, that’s a load of crap. In reality, hopeless romanticism is more of a hindrance than a help, and it’s undoubtedly keeping you from finding any kind of love, let alone the kind you think you want. Here’s why it’s holding you back and how to get a healthier perspective.

1. Life is not a fairytale. As much as it sucks to admit this, especially when you grew up watching Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella get whisked away by their prince on a white horse, it’s important to remember that fairytales are not reality. Hopeless romanticism would convince you that you too could be swept off your feet and right out of your boring life into a world of wonder and fantasy, but if you believe that, you’re kidding yourself.
2. You overlook way too many red flags. This is one of the most toxic aspects of hopeless romanticism. Because you’re looking for your own personal Prince Charming, you’re way more likely to overlook some serious red flags in aid of finding him. You convince yourself that all those troubling behaviors you notice aren’t a problem or that they’ll go away in time and you’ll live happily ever after. This is a dangerous approach that could leave you disappointed at best and potentially harmed at worst.
3. You give too many second chances. Similar to the above, hopeless romanticism implies that you should throw yourself head-first into every potential romantic partner/encounter so you increase your chances of finding that great, everlasting love. That means in addition to ignoring or disregarding red flags, you’re way more likely to forgive guys who do you wrong because you don’t want to miss out on what you believe is your romantic destiny. Big mistake.
4. You’re looking for someone who doesn’t exist. This is a tough pill to swallow but a necessary one. Women who cling tightly to hopeless romanticism do so because they believe that there is a perfect man out there for them. They truly believe that their soulmate is walking around just waiting to find them and when he comes along, he’ll be everything you’ve ever wanted and more. In the meantime, you’re either repeatedly getting your heart broken or spending long periods alone because what you fail to realize is that this person doesn’t exist
5. Your idea of love is way too myopic. When you’re into hopeless romanticism, you likely have spent endless amounts of time, probably years, picturing your ideal man. You know what he’ll look like, what kind of job he’ll have, what kind of car he’ll drive, what he’ll like to eat, etc. I shouldn’t have to explain why this is a problem, but in case you don’t know, you’re basically cutting off 99% of the available male population. You think you can only ever end up with one type of guy when in reality, he probably a) doesn’t exist and b) wouldn’t be right for you even if he did. By having such a myopic view of love, you guarantee you’re likely to remain single for a long time, if not forever.
6. You try (and fail) to “manifest” love. This is also known as magical thinking and implies that if you just think positively and manifest the love you want in life, it’ll come your way. Hopeless romanticism is a big fan of this approach as it assigns “fate” or “destiny” as the driving force in falling in love, when in reality, you actually have to get off your butt, leave your apartment, and put some effort into dating. Mr. Right isn’t going to come knocking at your door one night and immediately get down on one knee and propose. By taking a passive role in your love life, you’re pretty much guaranteeing failure.
7. You have unrealistic standards and expectations. There’s really no other way to put it. If hopeless romanticism overshadows your ideas and feelings about love and dating, you’re not living in reality. You’re way more likely to hold guys to ridiculous standards and ditch them the second they don’t meet your expectations. While there are healthy standards and boundaries that should exist in every relationship, when you expect the world of someone, you can’t be surprised when it comes crashing down.

How to get over your hopeless romanticism to foster healthier connections

1. Do some soul-searching. It’s important to really look deep within yourself to discover the roots of your hopeless romanticism. Why does this idea of an all-encompassing, magical love so appealing to you? Maybe you trace it back to your grandparents’ 65-year marriage or your childhood fear of abandonment. Whatever the reason, getting real with yourself about how your ideas about love formed will help you find the tools to reshape those perspectives.
2. Consider what really matters in relationships. You know what you think you want in a relationship, but write all of those qualities down and then go through them one by one, questioning what each of them really means and if not having them would really affect your happiness in a relationship. By reevaluating your must-haves, you can separate the things you really do need
3. Stop comparing your dates/relationships to ones you’ve seen in the movies or media. If you manage to master this skill, you’ll be kissing your hopeless romanticism goodbye in no time. Rom-coms and Disney movies are so alluring because they represent extremes that you don’t come across in real life. The sooner you start seeing them as fiction rather than something to aspire to, the better for your love life.
4. Redefine your ideas of romance. Mature adults with a good handle on love realize that romance is in the little things. It’s not about a guy surprising you with a horse-drawn carriage ride and a $25,000 diamond ring. It’s all about smaller gestures, like remembering how you take your coffee or running to McDonald’s at 11:30 p.m. when he’s already in his pajamas just because you got a craving for McNuggets. Redefine romance
5. Stay grounded. This is probably the best advice on this list. It can be tempting to get swept up in grand ideas of romance even when you know better. When you find yourself going down that road, re-center yourself and come back down to reality.