You love your mom, but lately it feels like she’s becoming way too clingy. You sometimes wish that she wasn’t blowing up your phone 14 times a day because you’ve got a lot going on right now, but then you feel guilty for having those thoughts. It’s such a vicious cycle. However, it could be time to tell your mom that you need some space — here are 15 effective ways to do so.
1. Tell Her You Love Her.
Before you tell your mom that you need a bit of breathing room in your relationship, it helps to tell her how much she means to you. Express your love and gratitude for her to show her that you’re not about to push her away — you just need her to back off a little.
2. Choose Your Timing Wisely.
It’s never a good idea to tell your mom you need a bit of space when you’re busy, in a rush, or in the heat of the moment during an argument. Find a time when you can be together in a quiet location so you can chat without any distractions. This way, she’s more likely to realize that it’s coming from a good space.
3. Tell Her What You Feel.
Use “I” statements to convey your feelings without sounding accusatory. You could say something like, “I feel like I need a bit of space because I’m dealing with a lot of stress.” This is kinder than telling her she’s another stressful person in your life, which can be harsh and upsetting.
4. Express Your Need For Boundaries.
Setting a few relationship boundaries can help you both to find a bit of common ground. For example, a boundary could be to see her on weekends but not during the week. Or, you could organize home deliveries for her medication so you don’t have to stretch yourself too thin by doing all her errands for her when you’re super slammed at work.
5. Find Other Ways To Connect.
It could be that the way you’re connecting with your mom is what’s making you feel a tad claustrophobic in the relationship. For example, maybe it’s too much to see her numerous times per week. Perhaps you could replace some visits with text conversations or voice calls. Find a way that works for your particular relationship.
6. Communicate Your Needs.
Now’s the perfect time to talk about what you both need in the relationship to be happy, but you’ll need to be willing to compromise a bit so that you both get what you want. For example, maybe your mom wants to chat with you at the end of her day. You could commit to a quick 10-minute call (instead of a two-hour call) so she gets to express herself but you also get time for your kids and partner.
7. Highlight The Positive Outcomes.
Although your mom might be resistant to change, it can be helpful to try to explain the positive outcomes of her backing off a bit. For example, maybe you’ll get along better or both have a bit more independence to try things outside of the relationship if you just put a bit of space between you.
8. Encourage Her Friendships.
Your mom could be leaning on you so much because she’s lonely and needs to interact more with her peers. Politely encourage her to put more attention into her other relationships, or help her sign up for activities so she can meet new people. She’ll be a lot happier and have a lot more in common with people her age!
9. Reel In Other People.
If you’ve got siblings, it might be helpful to ask them to sit in on the conversation. This can be useful if you find it difficult to communicate with your mom and it will prevent misunderstandings. They can back you up and also offer your mom some encouragement.
10. Don’t Get Guilt-Tripped.
Your mom might take some time to get used to the new boundaries. She might struggle to change things up, which could cause her to feel anxious and guilt-trip you into doing what she wants. This is why it’s important to support her during this transition and show your love for her.
11. Figure Out What’s Going On With Her.
Your need for space and your mom’s clinginess could be a recent occurrence in the relationship, and there’s probably a reason for it. Maybe she recently lost someone special to her and she’s lonely, or perhaps she feels a bit isolated. Chat with her about her life to find out if there’s a source of unhappiness she’s dealing with. This will help you view the situation more empathetically.
12. Don’t Overwhelm Her With Limits.
Maybe you want to reduce how much time you spend with your mom after work during the week, or you want her to stop giving you so many gifts. It can be overwhelming for her to have to deal with all these restrictions on your relationship. Don’t throw them all at her simultaneously — set one limit at a time so you can both become comfortable with them.
13. Remind Her You Don’t Want To Lose Her.
Throughout the process, it’s helpful to explain to your mom that she’s special to you and that you want to continue strengthening your bond. She might worry that you want to cut her out completely, but reassure her that this isn’t the case. You’re just trying to do your own thing a bit more.
14. Avoid Communicating When You’re Angry.
During a rough moment when your mom’s asking you for a favor while you’re running late, you might feel frazzled. Avoid the temptation to lose your cool and tell her that you need space. This will cause guilt and resentment, which you want to avoid. Save the chat for when you’re calm.
15. Chat To A Therapist If You Need Help.
If you can’t seem to chat with your mom effectively or she keeps breaking your boundaries, it can be frustrating. It could be time to reel in the help of a therapist who can ask you the right questions to help you both work through the situation and get a healthier relationship.
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