You know your ex is a narcissist who wasn’t a particularly good partner, but you still want them back. Maybe you think they’ve changed a bit (or that you can change them). And while it’s not really a good idea to pursue these kinds of toxic relationships, if you’re intent on a reunion, here are some ways to make it happen.
How to make your narcissist ex want you back
1. Prioritize self-care above all else.
Navigating the emotional terrain with a narcissistic ex requires a fortified sense of self. And the key? Prioritizing self-care. This isn’t about indulgent spa days, but daily habits that strengthen your emotional and physical well-being. By focusing on your needs — whether it’s a balanced diet, consistent sleep, or even therapy — you project a renewed sense of self-worth.
This change won’t go unnoticed. As you radiate confidence and self-assuredness, even your narcissistic ex might feel drawn to this transformation. Yet, it’s crucial to remember that this self-care journey is primarily for you, ensuring you’re equipped to handle any outcome. Whether your narcissist ex does or doesn’t want you back, you need to look after yourself.
2. Set some new boundaries.
Boundaries are your armor against a narcissistic ex’s manipulative tendencies. By establishing clear lines — whether in communication methods or topics — you’re reclaiming control. Recognize and stand firm against any emotional tactics they employ to pull you back in.
These boundaries aren’t acts of spite; they’re essential tools for self-preservation. By setting and adhering to them, you signal a clear message: the old dynamics won’t work anymore. This change may push them to connect more authentically, but regardless, boundaries serve to protect and empower you.
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4. Avoid emotional reactions.
In interactions with a narcissistic ex, emotions can easily run high. It’s essential to understand that they might try to push your buttons, seeking a reaction that grants them a sense of power or validation. But remember, every time you react emotionally, you’re giving away a bit of your control. Instead, practice emotional detachment.
This doesn’t mean you’re indifferent but rather that you’re choosing to respond rationally rather than reactively. This shift denies them the satisfaction of seeing you rattled, and with time, they may come to recognize and respect your emotional strength. Plus, maintaining your composure ensures you’re making decisions that are best for you, not just reactionary ones.
5. Limit your contact with them.
Sometimes, the best way to navigate a relationship with a narcissistic ex is to minimize interactions altogether. Limiting contact isn’t about playing games; it’s a self-preservation tactic. Narcissists thrive on attention and the emotional responses of others, and by cutting down on the attention you offer, you’re removing a primary source of their validation.
You can implement this by setting specific times or days when you’re available to communicate or using written mediums like texts or emails, which allow you to be more measured in your responses. Over time, this distance not only provides you with space to heal but also forces them to reckon with the absence of your presence and the emotional support you once provided. It won’t be long before your narcissistic ex desperately wants you back in their life.
6. Use empathy strategically.
Narcissists are notorious for lacking empathy, but that doesn’t mean they’re immune to its effects when shown to them. When engaging with your narcissistic ex, it’s crucial to use empathy strategically. By showing understanding and kindness, even when they’re trying to provoke or belittle you, you present a strength they’re not accustomed to facing.
The key is not to be subservient but rather to display an unflappable ability to understand their feelings while retaining your perspective. This approach can be disarming for them and may make them see you in a light of maturity and emotional depth, increasing their desire for your presence.
7. Maintain your independence above all else.
It’s easy to fall back into patterns of dependency with a narcissistic ex, no matter how much you want things to be different. Their tendency to dominate and control can feel overwhelming. To make them want you back, it’s imperative to maintain and even flaunt your independence. This shows that you are not reliant on their validation or approval.
By pursuing your interests, spending time with other people, and not always being available, you send a clear message: you are your own person, and while their company may be desired, it isn’t essential. Over time, this stance can make them realize the value you brought into their life and how much they miss that level of depth and independence.
8. Rely on rational conversation.
Engaging in rational, calm conversations is an antidote to the often volatile dynamics with a narcissistic ex. These individuals tend to thrive in chaotic environments where they can manipulate emotions to their advantage. By sticking to the facts and avoiding getting dragged into emotional skirmishes, you present yourself as stable, mature, and above the fray.
Ensure that discussions stay objective, even when they attempt to provoke you. This measured approach can make them more inclined to listen, engage genuinely, and possibly yearn for the stability and clarity you offer in a sea of tumultuous relationships they might typically encounter.
9. Let them cool off.
Narcissists are known for having seriously bad tempers and even fits of rage, which is no good to be on the receiving end of, that’s for sure. If a massive outburst led to your breakup (or they simply didn’t respond well when you ended things), it’s important that you let them cool off before trying to get your narcissist ex to want you back.
Whether or not your ex can change their ways and cool their temper is a whole other matter. “Can a narcissist change for the better? Perhaps. But only if he or she is highly aware, and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists no longer willing to play the charade at the cost of genuine relationships and credibility, there are ways to liberate from falsehood, and progressively move toward one’s Higher Self,” writes Preston Ni, M.S.B.A, for Psychology Today.
10. Give it time.
One of the most challenging but vital steps in getting a narcissistic ex to want you back is to be patient and let things develop organically. This isn’t a sprint but a marathon. In the immediate aftermath of the breakup, emotions are likely raw, and any attempts at reconciliation may be viewed with suspicion or as a weakness.
By taking a step back and allowing time to heal wounds and offer perspective, you’re showcasing maturity and resilience. As weeks or months pass, the distance might make them recognize your value more clearly, and the absence can create a space where curiosity and desire grow.
11. Seek support from your closest friends and family members.
Narcissists often attempt to isolate their partners from external influences, which can provide clarity. In the process of winning them back, it’s crucial not to venture down this path alone.
Leverage the wisdom, insights, and perspectives of those who care about you. Your family and friends can be your sounding board, offering objective viewpoints and preventing you from falling into familiar, unhealthy patterns. Plus, seeing you surrounded by a network of loving individuals can remind your ex of your worth and the community they’re missing out on.
12. Be unpredictable.
Narcissists tend to think they have everyone figured out, especially their past partners. Break the mold by being unpredictable in your actions and decisions. This doesn’t mean behaving erratically, but rather keeping them guessing about your next move. Maybe you pick up a new hobby, take an unexpected trip, or make a significant life change they didn’t see coming.
This unpredictability can intrigue them, making them more interested in understanding this new version of you that’s emerging. It showcases growth, evolution, and a zest for life that they might find hard to resist.
13. Show how much you’ve grown so they might be encouraged to do the same.
Post-breakup is an optimal time for self-improvement. Maybe you’ve snagged a promotion, delved into fitness, or expanded your horizons through travel. This isn’t about superficial changes but genuine growth for your own benefit. Sharing your milestones subtly, be it through mutual friends or on social platforms they frequent, can be effective.
When a narcissistic ex sees your growth, it piques their interest. They start reevaluating their judgments. Witnessing you thrive without them can stir feelings of intrigue and even regret. Your success and evolution may make them second-guess their choice to leave.
How to break the narcissistic cycle
1. Don’t allow them to cross or even test your boundaries.
Establishing and enforcing clear boundaries is paramount when dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists often push limits and test boundaries, attempting to gain control and manipulate situations to their advantage. To break the cycle, communicate your boundaries explicitly and assertively.
For example, you might say, “I won’t engage in conversations when you raise your voice or become disrespectful.” Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries by disengaging or applying consequences when they’re violated. By doing so, you regain control over how you allow yourself to be treated.
2. Focus on self-validation rather than seeking it externally.
The narcissistic cycle often revolves around seeking external validation, making it essential to bolster your self-esteem and self-worth. Practice self-validation by recognizing your accomplishments, strengths, and inherent value as an individual. Celebrate your successes, both big and small, without relying on your ex’s acknowledgment.
If you achieve a personal or professional goal, acknowledge your hard work and dedication, regardless of whether your ex acknowledges it. Developing self-validation skills can diminish your dependence on external validation.
3. Want a partner? Attract love with the power of your mind.
Sweetn is a new research-based startup that shows you how to call love into your life with the power of your mind. Take our quiz, and try our tools—they can transform your energy and your love life in a few weeks. Just click here.
4. Practice emotional detachment as much as possible.
Emotional detachment is a powerful tool in disrupting the narcissistic cycle. Narcissists thrive on provoking emotional reactions, whether positive or negative, to assert control. Counteract this by remaining emotionally composed and independent. When faced with their attempts to incite emotions, practice a mindful pause.
Take deep breaths and consciously choose not to react impulsively. Instead, respond rationally and calmly. This shift in your emotional response can thwart their efforts to manipulate your feelings.
5. Seek professional help.
Breaking the cycle of a narcissistic relationship can be exceptionally challenging due to the emotional manipulation and complexities involved. Seeking the assistance of a therapist or counselor can provide invaluable support.
A qualified mental health professional can help you understand the dynamics at play, identify your own triggers and vulnerabilities, and develop effective strategies for managing the relationship. Therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings, thoughts, and actions, empowering you to regain control over your life.
6. Build a support network.
Building a robust support network is crucial when breaking the narcissistic cycle. Reach out to friends and family who can offer emotional validation, empathy, and encouragement. Share your experiences, feelings, and challenges with trusted individuals who understand the complexities of your situation.
Engaging with a supportive network can provide a sense of belonging, bolster your self-esteem, and serve as a vital source of strength and reassurance as you navigate the tumultuous terrain of dealing with a narcissist.
